How did you find out?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
114
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.




Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 11:14pm

It's odd how we all remember these crappy dates. What a thing TO remember.


The first load of crap I found on his phone in Feb. And the second round was in March on his computer. I remember the exact dates, times - where I was at - the feeling. And it was awful.


bling

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 11:23pm

Way To Go!


While I don't believe in violence - I do believe in what you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 11:41pm

I found out by reading text messages from the OW on his cell phone. One day I reached for his phone to show him something. He wouldn't let me have it. After he wouldn't let me touch his phone, I knew in my gut that he had a secret. So I secretly checked his phone and discovered text messages from a co-worker.

The text messages from the OW were flirtatious, but I didn't know how or even if he responded to her. I didn't confront him right away,because I wasn't really sure that something was going on between them. Also, it scared the crap out of me, and I hoped that whatever it was would magically disappear. Now, I knew there were problems in our M because my H had moved out of our bedroom, and we were living like roommates. In the beginning I rationalized this: we'd been married for over thirty years, stress, we never really talked, problems with the children. But our relationship continued to deteriorate, so I eventually confronted him.

And just like that, my world fell apart.

It's been quite a year, with lots of ups and downs. I saw an individual C who opened my eyes to so much. One of her first questions to me was how could I take the situation I had and make it better. I thought she was nuts, because I was the injured party. Long story short, she was very wise and recommended Cloud and Townsend's Rescue Your Love Life. My C gently showed me it wasn't just our M that was broken, it was me individually and my H individually, too. Together we saw a MC for about 9 months. He taught us to communicate, using Terry Real's New Rules for Marriage. He taught us about A's using Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends.

Thank God, we made it. And as hard as it is for me to admit, our M is stronger because of the A, because the A drove us to MC. Counseling made us both realize that we have to really communicate with each other. It sounds so simple and seems so silly that we had to pay money to be taught this, but you have to clarify and verbalize your feelings: When you said/did XXX, it made me feel XXX. Next time, could you please XXX? Counseling taught us to listen to each other rather than getting our feelings hurt and retreating to separate corners. Counseling taught us to appreciate each other, imperfect though we are. Counseling allowed us to love each other again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 9:32am

Thanks..You would not believe the emails that I got from some pleople.."Violence is NEVER justified" So I was told.


But it made me feel good at the time.


Tom




Edited 10/10/2008 12:26 pm ET by irish_tom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 9:36am
I found out one Sunday night at 10:30pm after breastfeeding a newborn and tucking her in---came out to the kitchen to get a bite to eat--H came in a just stood there and said calmly--"there's someone else"---I am in love, she understands me----I asked who--when he told me I knew it was not going to last--she is known to have many problems-----I was a wreck---hormonal-----sleep deprieved----recovering from a c section----he went to bed and slept--I called my best friend and her H who is a lawyer and got busy---by 3 am I had possession of a huge file of evidence ---her love notes, phone bills, creditcard bills, all our financials--all copied and ready-----called a SOB lawyer in the
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 10:22am

My husband had been acting strange for years. He avoided me intimately and would reject me for reasons that I could not understand. I began to think that there was something wrong with me and that I was not lovable. He was constantly comparing me to women that he worked with and I seemed to always measure short in his eyes. I always strived hard to please him and try a little harder to display those characteristics that he seemed to admire in all these other women. Nothing seemed to please him and the hoops kept getting higher. He just seemed to not want or desire me.


It all came to light in a matter of a few months.


He called me one night from work and asked to go out with a group.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 10:46am

On Sept 4th of this year, my wife spontaneously decided to go to a couple of 'craft stores' in the evening, came back 2hrs later empty-handed (suspiscious), couldn't name one of the stores that she was at (WTF? moment for me), smelled very strongly like perfume (suspiscious),immediately jumped in the shower (more suspiscion), with me finding her semen soaked panties in the hamper while she showered

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 11:16am

i just wanted to take a moment and thank you all for sharing your stories with me. I'm sure it made some old bad feelings return. If so I'm very sorry. I shared these stories with my spouse. She sat in astonishment as I read some of them. We had an open and heartfelt discussion of human suffering.

She began to cry when I told her some about what went through my head during the darkest sleep deprived moments after D Day and how those thoughts could have effected our family. She apologized for her actions and said she was sorry that I had to be introduced to this world of betrayal and heartache that is shared by you all. She could not imagine that when she was "just trying to make herself happy" that she would spread so much misery among so many people in our lives. I can't imagine what that must be like.

I think she made me look like a fool. She thinks that she made herself look like a fool. We both understand that she hurt everyone around her to some degree and at last she is gaining a sense of my devastation. I'm worried that If I offer grace too soon that it would minimize what she did. If I offer it too late, I and the kids could lose her.

I must express that my heart went out to you all while reading about your worst day. I hope you all find the peace and healing that you all deserve. In my culture we call this Zion. A mythical utopia where selfishness is abandoned and it's citizens keep each others best interest in mind.

I also hope more of you will be willing to share your story with us.

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 11:32am

Just after New Years my H began acting really strange, didn't give a crap about anything to do with the kids or myself, was cutting his phone calls very short, found a new way to work etc. My babysitter told me that he was always on the phone when they would arrive and cut it short when he saw them.

I questioned him several times and he said that he was stressed with work, I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said NO.

On January 21 he told me "I am done" he said "I think you are a great person and an awesome mother, but I am no longer in love with you" I asked right then an there if there was someone else and he denied it. He stayed until the 1st of February and the moved out, he slept on the couch for those 9 days. He moved right in with her and told me "its just a couch to sleep" LIE, after he moved out I got the cell phone bill, he had been having an emotional affair with her since December 21, that explains why he stopped calling me from work like he used to, but he had plenty of time to call her.

To this day he denies he left me for her. The one day I questioned why the seat in the veichle was pushed so far back and then I found a hair, I asked him who the hell had been in this van with red hair, he said his daughter, OMG she has blonde hair, I believe thats when he figured he was close to being busted. He had her in my van.

He blamed me for it, evrything from I dont like his parents, to he dosent want a serious realationship in his life, he told his oldest that he wants more time to go out and drink, he told me I wanted to do family things on weekends and would never drink with him every night.

Now he is asking me for help in preparing a resume for him, its funny for someone who told me "Don't ever f__ing touch me or speak to me again unless it has to do with the kids" and now I'm good enough to help him because he is sinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 5:20pm

I knew something was wrong.

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