How did you find out?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.

Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 3:55pm

After many months of suspecting something was up. I was able to check his email on a tablet. He had been very careful to always close his email in the past and his phone was clean. I found some old incriminating emails from the AP and confronted him and he FINALLY came clean. I had confronted him in the past asking about things that weren't right and he always told me to "trust him."  What a load of bull.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:10am

My H had 2 very flirty F coworkers he worked closely with, they were constantly texting and it got to the point where he and I could do nothing as a couple without his phone being attached to his hand after a few months I was extremely distraught and at my wits end. He would always tell me I was over reacting, well H and I went on a 10 day vacation in which I told him the phone was forbidden or else I would make his time with his family a nightmare, he agreed to keep his phone in the motel room and our vactaion went wonderful. We came back to our home and returned to our jobs the very next day.The texts also resumed with a vengance, 2 weeks after the trip we got into a huge fight over the fact he was now erasing all of his texts sent and recieved(even bigger red flag) the day after the fight he informed me he was moving out and was going to stay with a friend( a really nice elderly man). I was totally beside myself and just knew it was because of one of these females, he of course denied that and said it was my constant nagging that he was tired of, he also informed me we could still talk every now and then and see each other occassionally but he wanted he space to figure out if he was still in love with me.I started screaming at him for answers as to which of the coworkers he was involved in and he told me.. totally shocked me cause I was more jealous of the other one.. I agreed that if he needed time and space I would back off, now here is the twist... the same night he moved in with his friend he invited me over for dinner and to talk, I went over there and it was a really good night ( no texts), as I was leaving for the night I told him I needed answers and he told me to write the answers in a letter and he would answer... Lied on all questions but that point is not realized til later. After that first night we see each other daily for little mini dates he called them ( mind you he wanted space) but I did not care I loved that he was spending all this time with me. a month after he moved out and after all these mini dates he spent the night with me (wonderful mind blowing night), while he showered for work I took a chance and grabbed his phone.. boom texts from the OW asking H if he was nervous excited or both?? his repliy was kinda nervous and scared... next text was you talked me into it I went to the car to get it.... now I am really curious, ... next text was the confirmation... It was Negative :smileysad: but maybe I didn't get enough P on the stick.... FLASHING RED LIGHTS flew out of my eyes... SHE thought she was Pregnant.. H comes into the room wearing his towel around his waste in time to get his cell slammed into his head.. he knew he was busted.I took him to work that night, but before I did I had him text her that I knew the truth of their EA and PA.. When I confronted her on her so called negative test result I notified her that H and I have not had kids of our own because he has a low S count and let her know that she meant nothing to him because since the night he moved out he has spent all his time with me... she tried after that to keep him interested but he has no contact with OW will be a year the 21st of Oct.. H and I are lving together again and are alot stronger, however I hide all my on going trauma in fear of his reaction

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 1:02pm
Devestated....why on Earth would you hide your trauma. You have nothing to be afraid of. He needs to deal with the consequences of what he was done and you should not be afraid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 12:01am
I don't really hide it, I just try to deal with the emotions alone, which has always been my problem. He and I recently sat down and talked about everything we have been through not just the affair but the other obstacles we have overcome together in our marriage, and needless to say we have been through alot of ups and downs, We are stronger now and he listens to me vent and yell and answers any question I ask.. things are looking up day by day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 10:00am

2nd D-day Oct 31, 2008…H went on a week long business trip and after about four days of him not contacting me, I walked into the kitchen and saw my cell phone on the table.  That sight for some reason put me into a panic.  I knew something was wrong.  I called his cell and checked his messages, lo and behold OW was on the voicemail telling him she missed and loved him.  HOPELESS…He got new phone # only to give her the number…Never told him I found out.  Went thru a depression all the while working and taking care of my kids…H blew me off on Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year’s Eve of 2009 to be with her. 


And it all fell into place…At the beginning of the year 2010; I told H that I knew he was with OW and that I was done.  Prior to all the other times during our marriage I would make him move out, but this time I moved out.  He didn’t deny or affirm, just told me next Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year’s Eve would be different, I told him I wasn’t interested…

While we were separated I met my current boyfriend (Also a BS) and fell madly in love with him.  I cut H out of my life cold turkey. That’s when he decided he wanted me back and chasing me around town...So funny..I would be on a date with BF and he would be calling me over and over and over again…He even tried to chase me down at work on Easter Sunday with a chocolate bunny to give me...I would not take his calls and was in the break room having breakfast with my BF...What a clown; considering he NEVER gave me a gift on Easter claiming it was for children and I needed to grow up (We would have fights every Easter as he never gave me gifts on small holidays!!!)

He shortly found out about my current boyfriend and made the divorce all about him, calling him a home wrecker…Gave me a nasty divorce but I held strong…

XH just filed for bankruptcy, is in dire straits…I went from a beautiful home to a small apartment…But you know what? I AM SO HAPPY WITH MY NEW LIFE AND MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND…