How did you find out?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
114
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.




Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

Pages

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 10:46am
I found out by asking, I wonder what I would have done had I found out by accident. I'm sure things would have turned out much differently. I know that if I would have caught them in the act of trying to hook up, I would have just gone nutso!!

pater

D Day: August 5, 2008

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 11:54am
i was on the computer looking at photos from a family wedding. in the middle of the folder, H had photos of him having sex with some whore. lots of photos. explicit photos. at first it didn't hit me that it was him in the photos. turns out it was a couple- he sought them out on the internet- who got off on the husband watching his wife have dirty sex with other men and photographing it. sick, but that was my d-day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 6:29pm

July 15th- D Day.

He came home from work and sat down with me and told me that he had developed feelings for his female co-worker. He had told her that he 'had a crush' on her and that he wasn't going to tell his wife (me) because he 'didn't want to hurt her.' In the next few days, she took him out privately for lunch and told him that the feelings were mutual and that she had had a crush on him for some time. That was Friday, July 11th. As it happened, my husband went straight from work that day to a weekend trip to visit a friend, so he never came home and had all weekend to stew in the excitement of their burgeoning relationship. On Monday, July 14th, the OW and him made endless excuses to see each other. First he swung by her office to chat about his weekend, then a group of them went out to lunch together, then after lunch OW came by his office to look at some old high school pictures he had brought in to show her since she had shown him high school pictures the week prior (I know, isn't that just so cute) and then towards the end of the work day the OW came down and just hung out in his office alone with him for 45 minutes. This is where they kept looking at each other and things felt electric. My husband was just waiting, aching for her to make that first move- to initiate something so that he could 'give himself over to it.' Thankfully, she didn't do anything. She played it coy and left, and that's when my husband stepped outside of himself and realized that this had gone too far and he was on the verge of cheating. That night he wrote a long email to his best friend about everything asking for his advice. The best friend got back to him immediately and said STOP THIS NOW BEFORE ANYTHING MORE HAPPENS AND TELL YOUR WIFE. Thank God, husband listened to him and did. I will forever be in debt to this good friend for his advice.

So my husband did tell me most of what happened, but because I needed to be sure I knew the truth, I demanded that he let me read the email he had sent his friend-- and that is when I got the absolute, unvarnished story with the details of how excited he had been, and how badly he had wished for that move to be made. It hurt me that to learn that, but because I read that detailed account that was never meant for my eyes, I can feel positive that I know the absolute truth, and I don't torture myself wondering if things went further then he admitted to me.

Husband sent OW an email saying that he needed her to stay away from him, but she did not immediately grasp that he was serious and she certainly didn't know that he had told me the truth. On July 25th she attempted to have private contact with him and give him a gift using "System Administrator Day" as an excuse. So this was the day that husband ended things with her once and for all, face to face-- I even had a run in with her myself-- so I think of this as a second, final D Day. Well, God, I hope it's the final D day.




Edited 10/30/2008 6:43 pm ET by foursythia
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 7:09pm

My H went on a business trip in April 2008 (10th trip with OW in 13 months - that's how they used to get together all the time).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 8:17pm

OM is getting his now.. I know that he has transferred to an out of state prison. He is "big boys" prison now and he is the screaming girlfriend, lol.


I just found out that my x-W is moving back to Boston and has bought a condo not too far from where we lived. I know that her dad is sick. Her family does not due well in stressful situations.


Thank you for the note. You would not believe the grief I got for what I did. It was really funny went I looked back at whome were mailing me...


I hope that you are doing well.


Irish Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2007
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 11:26pm

D Day = October 4, 2007 12:24 am

Was up late watching TV and H and kids were in bed. Got a phone call from Florida and they hung up. OK....then get another phone call and machine comes on and some freakin latina (sorry don't mean to offend, long story) leaves a message saying "Gail, you better get ready for a BIG surprise in the morning" in a thick flirty accent! I was like, what the heck is going on? I was thinking someone was planning some surprise for me.

Then a few minutes later, Florida calls again and leaves a dirty message saying "oh baby, I want you to @#$% and #$%@* me again, it feels so good!" At that moment, time stood still, I got dizzy, sat down, my ears popped in, my stomach churned and I couldn't breath. I will NEVER for the REST of my ENTIRE life forget what I felt like at that moment! I'm sure the rest of you won't either. Sadly, I will forever remember this date more vividly then when my children were born.

My first reaction out of pure shock was, this can't be true, maybe someone is playing a joke. But I knew it was real! I called the number back and no answer. I called again and no answer. I'm sure she never dreamed I would be awake!!

I think I kind of floated into the bedroom to confront H! I told him to get his a$$ up that some chic had left a message on our machine. He could have come clean right then, but no, he didn't. He played dumb and I showed him the number. He knew, as I discovered his cell phone bill later. He claimed he didn't know who it was. Again, he could have come clean at that moment. He called several times and no answer. On the 3rd call, she answered he was speaking something to her in Spanish and I could hear in his tone it was all true and he was hurt that she called me. BTW...OW didn't even leave the actual nasty message, was her stupid butt friend! Nice huh.

He starts crying on the phone with her and I'm yelling at him saying what the he** is going on and to stop talking to her. He drops the phone and drops to his knees bawling and says the word I again will never forget....Gail, I'm sorry, but I have been cheating on you. I'm so sorry!

I resisted my instinct to slap the living crap out of him. I screamed, I bawled, my heart raced, my head pounded, vomit came up my throat. I ran for my car keys and H tried to grab me....let's just say he KNEW to let go of me! I slammed the bedroom door and tried to pack an overnight bag, but couldn't see because of the tears. H was saying sorry or something, but I couldn't hear because I reached for God and begged for strength. I just kept saying "God, please give me strength" over and over until my bag was packed. I grabbed my purse and phone and got a block down the road and had to pull over because I knew I was in no condition to drive. I was hyperventilating and about to wreck. It scared me to death. I had to get a hold of myself and breath and calm myself down. I made a phone call to my dad and he picked up the phone and all I was able to say was DAD and then I cried and hyperventilated more! Dad was terrified and kept yelling for me to calm down and what was going on. It took me literally more than 5 mins to say H has been cheating on me! He told me to come to their house. My mom took off from work and was waiting for me. On the way over, 45 min. drive, H kept calling me and I called him and alot of yelling and crying. I got to my parents house at 2:00 am and my mom grabbed me and hugged me so hard. I just cried, cried for what felt like hours. She knew what I was going through because my dad had done the same to her years ago.

I took a shower because I felt dirty. While in the shower, it felt like the water was washing away all of what I thought my life was. All the things I thought that actually were all lies. I sat with my mom outside on her porch and we talked for a few hours.

I wanted to come back home because thank you Lord, I felt a little stronger and I wanted to talk to H about it. To make a long story short, I found out later that the ENTIRE time I was gone at my parents house H was talking to that skank! For hours, in between when I called him and when he called me! I even called him at 4:00 am telling him that I was coming home so we could talk and can you believe he called that skank again to talk to her on my way home!

He said it was to yell at her for what she had done. To tell her how wrong they were and how they were going to hell. Then he says she kept crying and trying to make him feel bad. I will NEVER know truly what they were talking about. Ironically, it was HIM who had caused ALL of this. Though she DID play her part. Apparently, a week prior H mailed her a note breaking it off with her. That's why she was mad and hurt and wanted to get him back by telling me. I was so mad because if I hadn't played that message that night, I would have played it in the morning while getting the kids ready for school. Can you imagine if the kids heard that??? No class!!!!

FYI...found out A had been going on for 11 years! We have been married 14! Was his old flame from his country in South America. It started when I was pregnant and visiting his stupid country for the first time. They continued their relationship all these years. On a half decent note, but not really, they only physically saw each other once a year. I was great full it wasn't daily.

Thanks for starting this string...it actually feels good to get that off my chest one more time! I thank God that he DID and DOES continue to give me the one thing I pray for everyday, STRENGTH! I'm amazed at how strong I truly am when faced with one of the most devastating situations someone could go through!

In hind sight, I now realize that your H/W coming home and saying things like "they don't know if they love you, or they didn't miss you and they don't know why or out of nowhere saying their leaving because of a fight. Those are ALL classic signs of an A. I always thought it was not having sex. Boy was I wrong! I thought we were good in that dept. so I shouldn't worry. We live, we learn from our mistakes and we must use those to move forward!

Gail




Edited 10/30/2008 11:37 pm ET by gail_proudmama

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 4:48am

Gail

It still amazes me how different all our stories are yet there is all to often a common thread of some sort. When I found out, we were sitting on our bed. She had just admitted to kissing the guy, I asked if it got physical, I had just told her to just "say it" and "let's get it over with." I totally expected her to say, "nope I just kissed him." When she went into a narrative about sleeping with the OM several times, I just went numb. I put my shoes on and sobbed, "how could you?" As I walked out of the room she began to melt down. I got in my car, I called her mom as I backed out of the driveway, when mom answered I told her what she said and I pulled the car over and just melted down. I've never cried so hard in my life. People jogging by looking with bewilderment. Mom talked me through those first 20 min. Mom was sooo mad at her daughter.

W called me once I got to work to see if I was ok. I wasn't of course. Man that was a long day. I melted down in front of coworkers, I called the dude. Got yelled at by my son for not doing my part to fix things with DW. Confronted DW for lying to our son and saying bad things about me to him. My poor son got tangled up in it that day. He's 15 and too young to be tangled up in big boy problems.

A very bad day.

pater

D Day: August 5, 2008

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 6:16am

Dear Pater-


What did you say to the OM when

seachells

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 11:22am

Seachells

I called his cell and got the machine, I left a message stating that I knew about the affairs and that I needed to have a short, respectful conversation with him. I then went to the phone records and found his work number. I reached him there and I said essentially the same thing. He said "OH!" With a bit of horror in his inflection. He then pointed out that he was in a meeting with his boss, but would be willing to call me right back. 20 min later he called, I restated that I knew about the sex but that I also knew that my spouse had been the aggressor. I told him I needed to know a few things. He said "ok." I asked him if he planned to pursue my W any further. He said no, that he was "done with all that." And that we wouldn't "hear a peep from him" and that he "should have behaved better." This was said very humbly. It brought my anger down several notches. I told him that I appreciated his tone and that this would help DW and I in reconciliation. By this time I was getting very emotional. I was able to bring myself to tell him that over the years my spouse had always told me that he was a good man, that she still felt that way. He stopped me and said that he "would take it all back." I wished him, and his children well, he said something along those lines and that was that.

When I told DW that I just got off the phone with him. She just about fainted. I don't think I would have had this any other way. I also talked to two other men she was "dating." I have not spoken to the fourth. He was a target rather than a pursuer. He didn't take the bate, and may not know that he was being pursued. I began the process of contacting him a few times but didn't pull the trigger. She is with him in class as we speak. So yeah, I'm about ready to come out of my skin.

pater

D Day: August 5, 2008

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 3:30pm
Tom, I always wondered how the OM ended up in prison.

Pages