How did you find out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
114
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.




Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 6:23pm

I can't even look at him. Going back would go against every grain in my body. I wonder sometimes how it was that I loved him

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 10:47pm
It's been a while since I've asked this question. I would be interested in hearing from some of the new BSs.
Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 11:28pm

Pater,


This is a very interesting thread... I have been glued to my computer reading all the D-day stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 4:17am

Hi All,
My story's a bit long as well. My D-day was almost a process of a few weeks from April/May 2007-July 25, 2007. H counts it now as 2.5 weeks and still denies having slept w/ her. As a matter of fact, he now diminishes the entire thing so much that it was "barely a friendship" in which the OW "got the wrong idea and is a nut-case." He still insists nothing happened. (How come I went from a size 10 to a 4 during the process then?)

Well, I watched as this SOW who was the mom of a boy on our baseball team began to become interested in my H. We were just starting to live together at the time and had been a couple about 9 mths. She gradually stopped speaking to me, would only let my H pick up her son from school and began to 'court' his 2 boys. Inviting them over to play w/ her son, etc. (They weren't the same age group at all!) I also observed that my H would go out of his way to talk to her. He seemed interested but when I asked he would chide me for being 'jealous'. He would say he's always had women friends. She also would act 'mad' whenever my H and I would come to the games together.

Trying to be brief, a succession of events took place: We had an argument and he said he felt smothered and needed to spend time alone w/ his boys. Okay, but his boys told me after a few days that "we see "her boy" and his mom almost every day, now." I asked him if he was seeing her and he said "no." I asked if he wanted to see her or other people, and again, it was, "no." He told me "no one could ever replace you in my heart."

Next, I am in the bedroom and his phone beeps:text. I cannot resist the urge and it says, "her name, cell". I read it: "Can't wait to F--- you again!" I am shaking... He is nonchalant and says, "that's a really old gf I haven't seen. She doesn't know about us." What's wrong w/ me, I accept this! I know it's a lie. About a week later I find panties in our bed that aren't mine. He says, "I don't know who's they are, are you sure they're not yours?" "Of course not!!! I know my own underwear!" He is so casual and unconcerned that I actually let it go! He says, "maybe my sister did laundry down here." (She live upstairs. Unlikely but not completely impossible.)They were a lot smaller though than his sister would wear.

Another week goes by. I am barely sleeping and can't eat. I have never had this happen before. I am literally too nauseous to eat and can barely choke anything down. My clothes are starting to hang on me. I tell him she is after him and he says "they're just friends and she's not important to him at all." "Then why,I ask, if you see how much this upsets me, you won't tell her to back-off?" He says there's nothing to say, it would be ridiculous since they're 'just friends.'

Saturday, now July, we go to a baseball game about 2hrs away. He insists we take separate cars since other kids may need rides. I knew it was BS. I knew he just didn't want her to see us come together. However, the night before (Friday night) his phone rang at midnight. He looked at it but didn't answer. I knew in my gut it was her.

At the game she is clearly VERY angry. I am slightly relieved because I know something happened between them. However it is short-lived. I see him go over and talk to her. As we're leaving he decides to stay and play with his boy. She stay's behind as well. He basically blows me off and waves me off. (I have to take home another boy.) I drive off knowing they're together. I have to stop several times on the 2hr drive home cause I'm crying so hard.

Next day, Sunday, we have to go back for the final game. I tell him I am NOT driving all that way myself and if I can't ride up w/ him I will send my son up with another parent, but I will NOT drive alone. He agrees but is angry about it. (At this point I give myself a one-week deadline, if things are the same in a week I will end the relationship) It was so hard because I was very attached to his boy's and they to me (they're bio-mother had died)as well as him, and my kids adored him. Guess who we pick-up on the way; her son. Now I know why he didn't want me along-he doesn't want her boy to mention I was w/ them!

I am in process of cleaning-out my apartment so I stay there Sun. night. Monday morning H calls really early and says please come right over. I get there and he tells me, "You were right about her wanting more than friendship, but you don't have anything to worry about. I won't be continuing the friendship w/ her anymore." I am so relieved. I know something went on between them, but I realize something happened w/ her at some point on Sunday, and I could tell he'd decided to end it.

Wed morning final D-Day: H goes to the gym at 6am and I'm in kitchen doing dishes. I see what looks like her car go by. Next a knock at the door. She says, Is "H" here? Nope, what can I do for you? She says, "I left my phone charger here, in the bedroom". I say I'm sure it's not but let's look. She follows me back and she sees MY phone charger plugged into MY side of the bed. That's mine, I say. She asks, "are you two still together?" "Yes, we are" I said, "why?" "Because I've been f-----g him." she says. She say's "he told me you broke up but I knew it was a lie because all your stuff is here, and I saw you sitting on the bed through the window on Friday night." (Being watched really creeped me out.)She also asked if I'd found her panties and described them. She was smug, I knew she'd left them on purpose so I would find them. (How can people be so cruel. I'd never done anything to her.)I told her that I wasn't going anywhere and that my H and I had a lot together and I wasn't just walking away. She said she was done cause she "Doesn't like liars." Hah, THAT was a lie.

I now wish I had asked questions but instead just let her leave. I had no ammo to question H about. He just said she was lying to try to get me to dump him. Of course she never gave up and has proceeded to be incredibly nasty to me. Begged him and call/text him, called child protective services on me, (Found to be false, thank God)and basically has remained a thorn ever since. She tells people he cheated on me w/ her and since I have to see her all the time and have a lot of memories, I still have many triggers. I wish I wasn't still in so much pain.

He has been wonderful since. Has committed fully to us and gave me a ring this Christmas. We have a wonderful home, family and life with the kids, I hope I can heal from this. I still want answers but I don't know if they would make a difference. She makes it sound like they were together a lot. I would like to think actual sex only two or three times. Why would that be any better? Maybe it makes me think he realized quickly he made a mistake, as opposed to it being a 'relationship?' I don't know.

All these stories are so crazy. I still don't know why it happened. I thought we were really happy. We were best friends and lovers. I just don't get it.

-Beach

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Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 1:49pm

I was married for 3 years and had been with him for 4 years prior. We had a great relationship with lots of friends and a great sex life.


Before him I had been in an relationship with a man who cheated on me and swore I would never let myself be degraded like that again.


Well, I kind of had this weird feeling one day and decided to snoop through his computer. I got into his email and could not believe it. He hid it so well. There were very explicit emails from two women. They had sent him dirty pics as well, these woman were my friends, people I knew and spent time with. They were both married to great men too.


I was furious but I calmed down and thought about my plan of action. I wrote down the password to his email, went to see a lawyer, had a divorce aggreement drawn up, I started packing small things so he wouldn't notice that much was gone. This is now a week into it and I have not told him I know, I set up cameras very incognito in our house and caught all sorts of nasty things. When I was finally ready to move out, I waited for him to go to work, I had the movers truck show up, I took everything, I left what was his but most of it went, including wedding gifts, which went to salvation army.


I sent the emails from the women to my email, printed them out and put them on the counter, I then contacted the husbands and provided them with all the proof, videos, emails and pics.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 2:48pm

Holy Freaking Cow!

That's going to stay with me for a very long time.

Thanks for those of you who continue to share your stories. My heart goes out to each of you when I read these stories.

Thomas

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 2:56pm
Wow what a great story; I mean, I know you were devastated and crushed, but wow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 3:49pm

Wow cisco!

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Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 4:16pm

I tell you, I was very, very hurt, and felt extremely duped. This was supposed to be someone that cared for me and promised he would never do anything like to me.


It was hard, but I felt like such a fool, especially since these women were friends of our group. Casual aquaintances. I trusted him fully. I have to say how well he lied to me. In the end my trust for people in general was tainted. I realized how easy it is for people to be doing something they shouldn't be doing without anyone knowing. People asked me how I didn't know, he never left evidence. Our work schedules were slightly different, so he had a few hours to himself.


When I watched the video of him doing the deed, it captured him cleaning up. He knew what to put back so it wouldn't look like anything was ever different. He did it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 5:04pm

Thanks cisco,

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