How did you find out?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.

Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 8:42pm

I found out over a period of time...

Started with a suspicion. That led to snooping in his phone. Finding some text messages. Then I just kept my eyes and ears open. Watched him closely.

I got my concrete proof when I happened upon him at a restaurant with OW. I sat on the opposite end of the restaurant and watched them on their date. I confronted both of them on their way out the door. They both looked like they were going to faint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 8:50pm

That was terrific. You did a marvelous job. Did everyone get Divorced ?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 9:23pm

Three weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 10:17pm

I was awakened by a phone call from a man identifying himself as the H of my spouses "friend".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 1:45pm

Yes, one of the guys divorced immediately, regardless of her begging him not to divorce her. The other one tried to reconcile, but in the end he just couldn't deal with the fact that he didn't know what she was doing at all times and was exhausted trying to always keep tabs. It was about 2 years before they divorced.

I know most people cheat because they are missing something emotionally from the relationship, but he just wanted sex. They were having threesomes, that's why there was two women.

He tried to cry to me that he had a problem and loved me and wanted me back but I had no patience for it. I could not and would not deal with

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 1:49pm

You will get through it and you will move on. When I was sitting in a bedroom in my parents house after owning my own home, you bet I thought things would never get better. You will come out of this different. You will be stronger, suspicious and unable to trust easily.

But I promise you will find a good man, they are out there. When the divorce is over and you have moved on, you will feel empowered and relieved to be rid of such a jerk.

Let the woman he cheated on you with have him, let her wonder if he is ever going to cheat on her. They are perfect for eachother. Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 3:30pm

Cell bill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 4:55am

Well new here but..I am D. And the d day still lingers in my mind.

I had suspected something was wrong for about a year around 2004 - after me H's father passed something changed in him and behaviors and things that just did not add up had me snooping. Each time I knew but could not prove it . Or at least to my satisfaction.

We seperated for almost a year in 2005, He ended up coming over and we struck up a strange friendship. I loved him and had always at a base level trusted him. In the fall right before our wedding anniversary he asked me to move back home. I was unsure but sighs- I did it.

He was still..something was just wrong. He acted to some degree like there was affection but it was all so wrong. I dont really have words for it. But the evening of our wedding anniversary He suddenly after months literally decided he wanted to ..have sex. So here we are involved in what once had been something good between us and it felt off. As if ...okay it was awful. When I got up and threw on my robe, I wandered out to get a cup of coffee and my cell rang.

It was my best friend , she asked if I was alone she needed to speak to me ASAP without ears about. So I stepped outside and she proceeded to tell me that my H has been pretty much every day till just before I got off work at this OW home..and that this OW was pregnant. She had been seeing H's car there alot and over night alot I grabbed my keys and left that very second.

I had no where to go . So I was crashed in my car for about a week till I managed to get into a small apartment. By this time I had heard from just about every body that they all knew about the GF and that the baby was old news too. Yeah that just makes you feel all that much better.

Then two weeks after I finally get a couch! Yea ME! My oldest comes home for a visit and discovers this OW living in the house. That would not have been so bad but son had ...carnal knowledge in the past Later when wounds heal that was a bone of humor in the family.

Then as I am struggling this idiot wont divorce me. He claims he has no cash but renovates the entire house for the OW. I had no way of ducking the crap. I was miserable and almost glad to get a chance to leave the town. Granted all in all I lost everything and am now barely making it but what can you do? Things happen and you just try and survive it.

I am presently in an odder situation as the one I am involved with is separated from his W> but we also have been friends for over twelve years...

I dont have many illusions I would like it to work out but am an adult and am just taking it a day at a time.Because at the back of my mind..another D day is possible. And this one will hurt worse.

My H. will always be in my heart for the history we had but it was his betrayal as my best friend that struck me so deeply. This relationship is much deeper and I expect the D day if it comes to truly be worse.

I know we are survivors ...but I dont want a degree in it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 11:31am
Here's a helpful hint if your H travels, mine travels alot......I caught him by checking his hairbrush!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 2:09pm
I am pretty handy with a computer.