How did you find out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
114
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.




Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 12:52pm

Thomas,


It's been awhile since I have visited this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 11:38pm

My 7 year old tipped me off one day when she came home after school and told me that her friend "K" wasn't on the bus that morning because she stayed at the babysitter overnight. My daughter was excited because "K" was supposed to keep it a secret but told her anyways. I started to wonder why my daughter and I weren't supposed to know that. I also started to wonder about the fact that my husband came home the night before at 2:30 AM on a work night looking quite crumpled. I had believed his excuse about pulling over for a nap because he didn't want to drive tired. In fact I have always trusted him completely - 100% and believed anything he told me. I never checked his phone or e-mail or whereabouts. I was 100% sure he was a man of character and integrity. I wondered about these things and told myself it was a coincidence but there was a seed of doubt. I kept it to myself for a week until one morning I decided to have a look at his cell. I was floored to see that every other call was to and from "K's" mother.

This woman is the mother of my daughter's best friend and also my neighbor. She has spent countless hours at my house looking me in the eye and misrepresenting herself as a friend - sometimes even bringing me presents. Usually these gifts were of the dessert variety and I now suspect that she was just trying to fatten me up. Tell me what kind of a mother dumps her kids at the babysitter overnight on a school night so that she can meet the married father of her daughter's friend.

After several months spent in the discovery phase - and boy what I discovered, my husband stopped the lying and denial and admitted his 9 month affair with the "next door neighbor". Apparently I was too busy cleaning his dirty toilets and taking care of the kids that I just wasn't giving HIM the attention he deserved. The lying and cheating was "THERAPY" for him. It kills me to hear him say that betraying my trust was therapeutic.

He now has done a complete 360 and treats me like royalty. He professes his undying love every time he sees me. He also sneers at the mention of her name. I don't know but this seems odd to me. I have filters and traps of all kinds set up everywhere and haven't seen any evidence of further contact. I guess it may take close to forever to really trust again. It has been 13 months since Dday and we have been married 11 years. Jenny Sanford is my inspiration.

Avatar for pater_familia
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Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 10:17am

Earlier this year you wrote:

"I asked him what he read and he told me that he would like to meet and talk about this in person. He didn't want to go into it on the phone. I told him that I wanted to hear this from my H but if I needed to I would call him back. "

Did you ever get back with the OW's husband and how did that go??

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 10:05pm

Hey,


No, I never did call him.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 1:27am

"can I ask you why you are asking?"

Well, as you might remember I spoke to all the men personally. I'm considering calling one of them again and I'm considering inviting my spouse to rewrite her apology letter to one of the men's wives and actually giving it to them this time. I now have a channel for that that does not involve any direct contact by us.

Or

I could just wash my hands of all this and get back to my family. I just don't know when enough is enough here. I'm on uncharted territory and my guts keep telling me to keep pushing.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 11:30pm

Well put.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 10-31-2009 - 11:30am
This whole thread has become quite an eye-opening book for so many of us, so much solid information shared!!!

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 11:25pm

"I know I wouldn't want the OW to show up after all this time and brings things back to the painful front of my thoughts."

Do you really think that the affair left the front of other betrayed spouses thoughts? What if showing up, you help answer questions that have been left dangling and causing problems needlessly.

My spouse's OM from college threatened me with a lawsuit if I didn't go away. I reminded him that it was HE that interjected himself in to my family and that if was interested in taking this to court and having my lawyer put him on the stand and have him recount the events that are reflected on our phone records and answer questions about the other other women whom I now know, and having all of them testify, possibly in front of his spouse about what he did (and I would his spouse and father-in-law subpoenaed just to twist the knife, and to have all this in a court record in preparation and precursor for my Alienation-of-Affection lawsuit (which is in effect in our state). And the worst thing that could happen to me would be for me NOT to have contact with him.

Yeah baby. Lets get this ball rolling!

Interesting that his tune changed just a little after that!

The problem, and the reason I backed off is that I had no wish to hurt his spouse. Having his pastor tell me that he confessed to everything that I told the pastor and much much more to his spouse as they sat with the pastor. Yeah, that was enough. I told the pastor I want a real apology about what he really did and not what he thinks I know or knew. But I'm becoming indifferent about him. He dug his hole and he's rolling around in it now. I dug mine. I need to focus on pulling myself out, dusting myself off and making a home for my family. Hate is a hungry dog that can't ever be full.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 8:37am

This thread has been here for ions but I never had the courage to post.


.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 11:48am

Woof!

Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm very sorry. I try and think of our spouses imagining that nobody would ever know what they were up to. My spouse told me she thought the affair was going to be this cute memory that would help her through the tough times. I wonder how she would have acted knowing that everyone was going to know what she did including her children. My spouse is clearly traumatized by the fact that everyone now knows.

On the flip side of that coin. I think that my spouse is unaware of how much people are willing to forgive. If your fixing your stuff and you are stead fast in making things right. People can forgive a great deal.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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