How did you find out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
114
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:53pm

On July 14th of this year my spouse asked me if I would go on a walk with her, on this walk she expressed the possibility that I move out and she wanted to explore separating with me for about an hour. As we discussed her reasons that night, she admitted to flirting with a few guys at school and that they made her feel better about herself than I did. Over the next few days I went through the phone records and was not able to find any those guys. But I did find that she was having frequent and long conversations with her High School boyfriend who lived about two hours away in the town she grew up in. Over the next week or so we discussed what it would take for us to stay together. I was making major lifestyle changes and she responded positively to these efforts. On August 5th I inquired about some odd short phone calls to the OM that she made early in the morning on the last morning they contacted each other. I got silence. I asked if she had kissed him, I got silence, then an admission. She said that on July 12th that she rode on the back of a Harley with him while I was with my son's scout troop. She said she kissed him that day. I asked if it went further. It took a moment but she admitted to sleeping with him several times in May and June.

Boom! That was my D-Day!

I’m curious how some of you folks found out about your spouses A.




Edited 11/25/2008 2:55 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 10:00am

2nd D-day Oct 31, 2008…H went on a week long business trip and after about four days of him not contacting me, I walked into the kitchen and saw my cell phone on the table.  That sight for some reason put me into a panic.  I knew something was wrong.  I called his cell and checked his messages, lo and behold OW was on the voicemail telling him she missed and loved him.  HOPELESS…He got new phone # only to give her the number…Never told him I found out.  Went thru a depression all the while working and taking care of my kids…H blew me off on Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year’s Eve of 2009 to be with her. 

I was devastated.  And I did something crazy…I ASKED GOD TO HELP ME FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM AND GET THE STRENGTH TO LEAVE...

And it all fell into place…At the beginning of the year 2010; I told H that I knew he was with OW and that I was done.  Prior to all the other times during our marriage I would make him move out, but this time I moved out.  He didn’t deny or affirm, just told me next Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year’s Eve would be different, I told him I wasn’t interested…

While we were separated I met my current boyfriend (Also a BS) and fell madly in love with him.  I cut H out of my life cold turkey. That’s when he decided he wanted me back and chasing me around town...So funny..I would be on a date with BF and he would be calling me over and over and over again…He even tried to chase me down at work on Easter Sunday with a chocolate bunny to give me...I would not take his calls and was in the break room having breakfast with my BF...What a clown; considering he NEVER gave me a gift on Easter claiming it was for children and I needed to grow up (We would have fights every Easter as he never gave me gifts on small holidays!!!)

He shortly found out about my current boyfriend and made the divorce all about him, calling him a home wrecker…Gave me a nasty divorce but I held strong…

XH just filed for bankruptcy, is in dire straits…I went from a beautiful home to a small apartment…But you know what? I AM SO HAPPY WITH MY NEW LIFE AND MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND…

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 12:01am
I don't really hide it, I just try to deal with the emotions alone, which has always been my problem. He and I recently sat down and talked about everything we have been through not just the affair but the other obstacles we have overcome together in our marriage, and needless to say we have been through alot of ups and downs, We are stronger now and he listens to me vent and yell and answers any question I ask.. things are looking up day by day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 1:02pm
Devestated....why on Earth would you hide your trauma. You have nothing to be afraid of. He needs to deal with the consequences of what he was done and you should not be afraid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:10am

My H had 2 very flirty F coworkers he worked closely with, they were constantly texting and it got to the point where he and I could do nothing as a couple without his phone being attached to his hand after a few months I was extremely distraught and at my wits end. He would always tell me I was over reacting, well H and I went on a 10 day vacation in which I told him the phone was forbidden or else I would make his time with his family a nightmare, he agreed to keep his phone in the motel room and our vactaion went wonderful. We came back to our home and returned to our jobs the very next day.The texts also resumed with a vengance, 2 weeks after the trip we got into a huge fight over the fact he was now erasing all of his texts sent and recieved(even bigger red flag) the day after the fight he informed me he was moving out and was going to stay with a friend( a really nice elderly man). I was totally beside myself and just knew it was because of one of these females, he of course denied that and said it was my constant nagging that he was tired of, he also informed me we could still talk every now and then and see each other occassionally but he wanted he space to figure out if he was still in love with me.I started screaming at him for answers as to which of the coworkers he was involved in and he told me.. totally shocked me cause I was more jealous of the other one.. I agreed that if he needed time and space I would back off, now here is the twist... the same night he moved in with his friend he invited me over for dinner and to talk, I went over there and it was a really good night ( no texts), as I was leaving for the night I told him I needed answers and he told me to write the answers in a letter and he would answer... Lied on all questions but that point is not realized til later. After that first night we see each other daily for little mini dates he called them ( mind you he wanted space) but I did not care I loved that he was spending all this time with me. a month after he moved out and after all these mini dates he spent the night with me (wonderful mind blowing night), while he showered for work I took a chance and grabbed his phone.. boom texts from the OW asking H if he was nervous excited or both?? his repliy was kinda nervous and scared... next text was you talked me into it I went to the car to get it.... now I am really curious, ... next text was the confirmation... It was Negative :smileysad: but maybe I didn't get enough P on the stick.... FLASHING RED LIGHTS flew out of my eyes... SHE thought she was Pregnant.. H comes into the room wearing his towel around his waste in time to get his cell slammed into his head.. he knew he was busted.I took him to work that night, but before I did I had him text her that I knew the truth of their EA and PA.. When I confronted her on her so called negative test result I notified her that H and I have not had kids of our own because he has a low S count and let her know that she meant nothing to him because since the night he moved out he has spent all his time with me... she tried after that to keep him interested but he has no contact with OW will be a year the 21st of Oct.. H and I are lving together again and are alot stronger, however I hide all my on going trauma in fear of his reaction

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 3:55pm

After many months of suspecting something was up. I was able to check his email on a tablet. He had been very careful to always close his email in the past and his phone was clean. I found some old incriminating emails from the AP and confronted him and he FINALLY came clean. I had confronted him in the past asking about things that weren't right and he always told me to "trust him."  What a load of bull.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 3:13pm

Wow - I just sat here and read this entire thread. What strength and courage everyone here has! Cisco and Irish Tom - you guys rock!

D Day - Aug 5, 2011. We had the same kind of blackberry and same notification tones - when the text came in, I picked it up and thought it was mine. I was from OW, her 3rd text that day. I read them all, realized there were holes and then cracked into his email and facebook accounts. Apparently, when my DH retired from the military he began to revert to a 14 year old - no job, no goals, hours watching porn and playing video games and contacting old high school girls who he hadn't spoken to in 25 years and letting them know immediately that he was having marriage problems. OW just happens to be getting divorced so they strike up conversations and 3 messages in, he's telling her how "hot" she is - continuous conversations and flirting for 2.5 years. Meanwhile, I am in the military, working long hours, travelling alot and supporting his sorry ass while he deliberately stays up til 0300-0400 to avoid me and keeps his phone on him like it is glued to his hand.

I made copies of everything, pulled phone records and bank records and contacted a lawyer just to check my options. Aug 18, 2011 I confront him after the %#^@& texts him 5 times the day prior and 7 times that day. I walk downstairs at 0200 that morning and he is jacking off to porn, door wide open (my 15 year old daughter is home BTW) and I friggin lost it. Stormed in, slapped him upside the head, started screaming and couldn't stop. His first words "Tonya who?".  Yeah, right.  He said there was no intimacy (she is in MD, we are in FL however, he managed a trip up there all by himself and according to the texts, she was eagerly awaiting a "big studly hug from such a handsome man"). GAG.

I've given him another chance because I couldn't prove anything physical - counsellor agreed that it was unlikely there was a physical relationship. I emailed OW and she corroborated the story and they haven't been in contact since but he still has no job and no focus and it is hard to believe that he won't fall back into it and hard to deal with since it was only an EA. It's been a year and I monitor the phone and email and facebook and we've build new relationship guidelines with the help of Dr Glass' book Not Just Friends. It is hard to build that trust again and at times I feel paranoid and hurt - it helps to come on here and feel like I'm not the only one. Thanks to you all,  C

 

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 5:47pm

"Sad that I will forever remember that date."

Just so you know, I went through my date this year (four years out) and  amost didn't note it. I'll banking that in a few years I won't even notice it. 

Sending good vibes.

Tom 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 8:46pm
Sorry should just say A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 8:45pm
That is so weird about the dog following you around. Mine has done the same thing after h and I's last go round. Hmmmm they are some smart animals and know we need something. Too bad our spouses weren't, that smart or intuitive before the aW
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2012
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 6:25am

I found out by accident because my mobile phone stopped working- hows that for fate??

H was out for drinks with a group of friends and had told me he was staying at a mates house to avoid a late night taxi ride home (sounds suspicious I know, but he has done that before and it was all innocent). Anyway, he normally texts me throughout the night, and to say goodnight and good morning but I never heard from him. Turns out that he had sent loads of texts, but they just werent making it to my phone.

Anyway, by lunchtime the next morning I was worried. I tried to ring him but his phone had run out of battery (genuinely) so I couldnt get through. So I called the guys house he was meant to be staying at. Guess what? He wasnt there.

When he got home I confronted him and he admitted it all. It was only the second time they had slept together and the affair had only been going on a few months but it still hurts like hell.

I do wonder though...what if my phone hadnt broken...would I have found out another way? Or would the affair eventually have fizzled out and I would have been none the wiser. Guess I'll never know.

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