How do I get over his feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
How do I get over his feelings?
10
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 11:00am

Hi, I’m new here and I’m trying to get some help dealing with the affair that my husband had on me.  Right now, I have decided that I want to work on this and hope that I can get through this and move forward.  I don’t think anyone really knows what to feel when this happens to them and at least for me, most of my feelings I’m questioning them to see if they are “normal” and “justified”.  I think that is where this can help me, see if other women dealing with the same thing are feeling the same way and how they dealt with it.

 

Here is a quick summary of my story.  I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3.  We have a 2 year old daughter.  We got married in Sept, bought a house in January and moved in with my mother for 7 months (Jan – Aug) while the house was being renovated.  Our daughter was born in May.  These are some of the issues that led up to our marriage falling apart.  I take 50% responsibility to what led up to the affair.  It was the typical lack of communication.  He wanted more passion, I wanted more emotional connection.  He would show me his idea of “LOVE” which is sex, and I would show him my idea of “LOVE” which is being taken care of.  Both of us were trying, but neither one of use seen the other trying because they weren’t trying the way that they needed.  We know that know and are working on it.

 

Just before Christmas 2012 we had hired an electrical apprentice (I own an electrical company with my husband) and it was a young female (22 years). I’m 30 and my husband is 32.  I had no problem with this hire, if my daughter wanted to become an electrician I would hope someone would give her a job and not turn her down because she is a women.  At the end of February, by husband started to get involved in her personal life, she just broke up with her fiancé so he went to her place to change her locks for her.  She needed help to get her roommates to move out because they weren’t paying their bills.  Then one night she texted him to tell him that she wouldn’t be into work because she went to talk to her ex and she got her truck stuck.  My husband was more upset that she went after the ex and not the fact that she was missing work.  That struck me as odd and I asked him to remove himself from her personal life as I was feeling uneasy.  He told me he felt protective of her and she had no friends or family around and he is all she has.  He became close with her and started to talk to her about our problems in our relationship and what he was missing and all the stuff I did to piss him off.  She became his best friend.  Then he said he needed some time away to think.  He moved out for 4 days.  He came back, we talked about our issues and said we wanted to work this out.  A week later my husband was taking a planned road trip to go pick up a car that he bought in the fall.  It was a long trip (5 days) and I asked if I could come.  This was a good time to just have some alone time, have fun, no kid, just fall in love again. Well he didn’t like that idea and we got into a fight.  He didn’t come home that night.  The next day he took off for his road trip and never said goodbye.  I had a bad feeling about it and went to HER house and found my husband’s truck in her driveway behind her Apartment.  I called him and asked him if she was with her, he said yes, I asked if they were sleeping together, he said no, and then he ignored me for the rest of the trip.  I packed all of his stuff up and had it ready to kick him out when he came home if he choose her over me.  I wanted to believe what he was saying and wanted to work this out.  He came home and we talked for hours, made up and were going to move on.  We decided that he would move into our summer home for a bit while we work this out and date each other and fall back in love.  We have no cable or internet at our second house so I asked him to stay away from HER while we work through this and that is when he told me he was actually going to stay in her spare room a couple nights a week.  3 days later, he told me we were done.  3 days after that, we were working it out, then 2 days later he started to ignore me again.  Then 5 days after that we started talking again.  This whole time I’m giving everything I have to save this marriage.  Then one day SHE was away for the weekend and he spent the weekend with me.  He left his phone alone and went outside so I looked at it.  He was texting her that he LOVED HER and he missed her and he couldn’t wait till she got home tonight.  He was typing this as we were “working” it out.  I called him out on it and said it was me or her.  I think he chose me.

 

This is where I am having the problem.  I feel like I had to convince him to choose me.  After we talked about everything, he said he didn’t love her, but once they had sex she pulled out the I Love You card and since he was living at her place, he needed to go with it or he would have nowhere to stay.  He said that he got played.  Looking back on it, she knew exactly what to do to get him because he has been telling her everything that is wrong in our relationship.  Then once she “had” him she changed and he didn’t like the “new” her and wanted out, but didn’t know how to.  Needless to say, she no longer works for me, started to harass me, even tried to bribe me for $10,000 to keep her mouth shut.  She sent me graphic texts and pictures of their relationship.  It was a great time in my life.  So now I’m trying to pick my life back up and move on.  But here are some of the stumbling blocks that I’m trying to overcome and need to know if this is normal and how to get through it.

First I’m not sure if he wants to be with me or he has nowhere else to go.  He didn’t choose me over her, he realized she wasn’t what he wanted and I was there willing to take him back.  If I didn’t find out about the affair and told him to chose, would we be together?  He didn’t realize I was better than her, he just realized her didn’t want her at that time.  We even talked about it and he said he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to date anyone.  If maybe he gave it 6 months before he started dating her, that maybe they could have been together.  So to me that means, he liked her but the timing wasn’t right.  So what is going to stop him in the future?  He didn’t come back for me.  He says he did and gets upset when I try and tell him how I feel.

 

Second, I don’t think he realizes how hurt I am and what he did.  I don’t know why this is such a huge deal to me but it is and I don’t know if I can get over this without it.  He thinks everything should be ok and that we should be back to normal.  If I have something that triggers me to remember all of it, he gets mad that I’m ruining the good moment that we were just having.  If he understood what he has done, he wouldn’t make me feel like that.  It’s like he doesn’t feel bad at all for it.  Although he says he does, his actions aren’t showing it which is what I’m having a hard time with.  I want him to grovel at my feet and beg for forgiveness.  But I feel like I’m the one that is doing it and it pissed me off so much!  Why can’t he see this!  If I don’t feel like he knows what he did was wrong, how can I trust that he won’t do it again?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 6:57pm

He is still thinking about himself - I feel for you I have been there and don't know what to say except it is like dealing with a child you have to be strong and demand what you need and don't be afraid to let him know you are not a 'given' in his life (he is not at all worried about losing you I am sure, unless it is the poor me act "I screw everything up")

There have been points where I have had to make it clear it was my way or the highway and then and only then did it seem like I had gotten through his tremendous ego and provoked real thought

He is one who messed up and made decisions that will forever change you and your marriage from the core, he is going to push you as far as he can to get what HE wants

that is really all he cares about right now still he is in a fog so to speak and does not want to acknowledge your pain or change

he wasn't thinking about you at all when he did these things

Also this has very little to do with you personally or the woman he slept with this is all about his boundaries and ego so don't get hung up on what kind of wife you have been or who she is

You could be the greatest wife ever and if it wasn't her it would have been anyone else, he wanted the attention welcomed it - sought it out at some point and made any excuse to do whatever he wanted at the time because this is all about him (the more is better line of thinking)

God Bless you and your child

stand up for yourself or noone else will

I know how hard this is it will not change in a matter of months or conversations etc. if it were that simple it would not have happened

he doesn't have to worry about the same things you do if he did he would change his tune so fast your head would spin, you are all in all there

a year or so ago (I have been married 8 years and he started ruining it 6 months in during my pregnancy) I met someone I was attracted to and I told him because I am an open book you would not believe the pain he went through that someone flirted with me and I actually had it admit I was interested (I did everything I felt was right and not so much as a kiss ever happened)

in the future should you need to bring to his mind that men are interested in you or that you would not die without him and life would go on - you could seperate you could date others

It may be the only way to get his attention off himself

I could go on and on - I do hope some/any of this is helpful - Peace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 10:01am

He has cut her out.  She even moved out of town.  I found out on a Sunday, he let her go on the Monday, and she moved back to her home town (7 hours) away on the Wednesday.  He is going to counseling with me and he does let me go through all his e-mails, phone and anything else.  So he is showing me that he wants to work it out that way, however, he is not following up with it.  My therapist says men are very factual and that them cutting the other women out is their way of showing that they want to work it out and think that's all they need to do, and get very frustrated when we keep coming back at them to deal with this we NEED it to be dealt with.  So now I’m trying to deal with this the way I need to and I have to deal with his frustration on top of it because he feels like it is over and done with because he has cut her out.  He even told me it feels like I’m never going to let this go so what’s the point of keep trying, which drives me crazy!  So now I have to figure out to tell him what I need him to do without getting frustrated at me and making it worse.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 4:14pm

You can't trust him.  So many of us in the same boat, even a similar boat, are IN the same boat as far as the trust issue goes.  Right now you are in nowhere land, not knowing what's in the guy's head.  IF he wants your relationship - IF he truly "chooses you" - she has to go, permanently.  If he's torn on who to choose, why would you stay in that situation?  It's insulting, it hurts like he!!, to know he's off trying to choose between you.  He was already supposed to have MADE that decision by marrying you.  He has very very weak boundaries, if he has any at all, otherwise no affair would have happened.  Quit taking blame for that - it was HIS decision, not yours.  Unless you agreed to an open marriage, you had no role in him making the conscious choice to cheat.  If your marriage was troubled before, then yes, you both had a role in it being troubled, but that's no excuse for cheating.  If there are problems, you go for help - what you do NOT do is cheat.  To me this is a no brainer - if he's torn, then you don't want to live together.  And you need to get tested, and insist that he does the same, that's a first.  Do you want to sit around hoping he'll choose you?  No, you don't.  He will drop her in a heartbeat if he wants things to work out, he will volunteer to go to counseling, and he will make every little corner of his life totally transparent to you from this minute on.  If he's having trouble choosing, he's already chosen. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 9:10pm

I could go on for hours with you about this (my situation was very similar to yours with the back and forth), so I will try to keep it brief. I spent the weeks following my discovery doing nothing but reading books, articles, websites, etc. trying to grasp what I was feeling and what the "normal" process of this experience was. The one thing that really was an eye-opener for me was reading that it takes the affair partner 3-6 months AFTER they've ended the affair and cut off all communication to snap back into their marriage (and see the affair relationship for what it was). I know that isn't very comforting this early on in your ordeal, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. It took my soon-to-be-ex-husband almost a year to "snap out of it" and realize he had basically lost his marriage by being an a** (excuse the language). I had to deal with a miserable, mean, and nasty man (who had an affair!) for almost a year after I found out, and it was absolutely terrible and difficult to get through it, especially while trying to rebuild a marriage. In the end, it showed me who he really was, and I am now working my way out of the situation.

You need some time - for yourself, for your marriage. He should be an open book right now, allowing you access to his email account, phone, computers, etc. He should not be communicating with her on ANY level or for ANY reason. He should be doing everything in his power to relieve your stress and anxiety so you can deal with this (i.e. taking care of the house, bills, kids, responsibilities, etc.) - BUT he is a man, and you have to tell him these things in a simple, basic way (not during a fight or shouting it at him). 

After I found out about my husband's affair, I was (understandably) devastated - so much so that I could not get out of bed for almost two months. I worked from home at the time, and I couldn't work - I couldn't function - and he moved out with kind of a "screw you" as far as the bills and such went. After two months of arguing, bickering, etc., he blew up at me and told me I needed to "get over it and work out my feelings if we were going to get back together". I stared for a few minutes and said to him, "How can I do that when every ounce of energy I have goes to worrying about the bills being paid?" It was the first time he realized what a douche he had been and had no idea what I was really going through. For him, he was relieved when I found out about his A - all his guilt about everything was out in the open and he wasn't hiding anything. It was just the beginning of my battle - something I don't think he ever fully appreciated.

My whole point there (sorry for the sidetrack), was that some men just don't get it - they don't understand what you're going through and you have to be very clear with him when you do talk about it. If his actions aren't improving over the next few months and he's not trying to be a real father and husband, then you'll know for sure he hasn't changed and this will happen again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 10:51pm
Daily Meditation: Saturday, June 8, 2013. "Life is a school we have been sent to, and in this school we actually do not know which are the teachers and which the pupils. Children, beggars, can teach us, and so can our enemies. Yes, even and especially our enemies, for they are the ones who make us try hardest. Sometimes, it would be quite easy to respond to their slanders and attacks, but not all responses are good. If you retaliate, you always run the risk of lowering yourself to the level of those who are attacking you, and then you dirty yourself as well. It is not forbidden to respond, so long as you can remain at a high level and do not join your opponents in their meanness and spitefulness, because then, even if you appear to win, in fact you also lose a great deal. What intelligence and strength of character you have to show to resist without using the same weapons as your opponents!" Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 10:26pm

having an affair is a selfish act

in my humble opinon - and in my experience

he is still thinking mainly about himself, and he will very likely do this again

this does not sound like an either or situation

this seems to me like a 2 is better than one getting high on thrill ego based person (I am married to one and he has had several affairs - I have been on this board for many years0

be wary keep your eyes open

peace and strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 9:05pm

Have you told him that you want him to grovel and beg for forgiveness? Maybe not in those exact words, but have you said that you need him to prove to you that he wants to be with you, to demonstrate that he is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the marriage? Have you given  him any specific examples of what he can do?

Do you believe that he really doesn't understand what he did wrong? It sounds more like he just wants to ignore it and hope it will go away, that he doesn't want to deal with your emotions or accept responsibility for what he did. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't "get it".

When a person is truly sorry and wants to make amends, they are usually willing to do whatever it takes to be forgiven and to prove that they won't make the mistake again.

IMO you are completely justified in being angry that he is not doing more to show he's sorry, show that he wants to rebuild the marriage. Actions do speak louder than words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 2:41pm

Well I think that using the excuse that he's a man & can't share his feelings is b.s.  Some people aren't as expressive as others but you can look at his actions.  If he's looking & and texting other women and not paying attention to you, then it's clear that he doesn't care.  How is he showing  you that he's sorry about this and won't do it again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 2:19pm

We are doing the marriage counseling but this is all still so new (I found out on April 28) so we haven't had too many sessions.  I'm also seeing someone on my own to help me deal with what is going on.  She seems to think from what I have told her about him, that he is just a "man" and they can't express themselves emotionally.  Just because he isn't showing you what you need right now, doesn't mean he isn't feeling it.  So how long do I wait to see if he can share his feelings, or realize that they aren't even there and stop wasting my time?

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 1:14pm

I really think that you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence here:  "If I don't feel like he knows what he did was wrong, how can I trust that he won't do it again?"  I can understand how your emotions are all over the place because it sounds like he couldn't even decide what he wanted to do--he's with you, he's with her, he wants to come back, then he goes back to her, etc.  I understand what you are saying--you want to feel like he is sorry & he is with you cause he wants to be with you and not just cause he didn't care for the other woman that much -- so now is he just staying with you temporarily until he finds someone else that he likes better?

I think right now I would insist that the 2 of you go to marriage counseling.  If he won't put in that effort, then it shows you that he doesn't care that much about saving the marriage.