How do I make him understand?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
How do I make him understand?
18
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 8:53am

I had such a rough night last night. My H and I fought for the majority of the night. D Day was a week ago and I was feeling a little impowered and calm. Then last night it all just hit me like a ton of bricks.


I broke down- but didn't cry, scream, accuse or anything. I was still very calm but I just had a wave of emotion in me. I feel emotionally drained. He's just beaten me with this betrayal.


I've read some posts that suggest that you let your spouse see your hurt. How do I show him I'm hurt? I can't cry anymore. I feel like I need to- I can feel all of my emotions right on the surface- but I can't cry. I didn't eat at all yesterday. Finally at about 11 (during our fight) I was feeling weak and decided I would eat a spoonful of peanut butter.


I just want to know how you express those emotions to your H (or W)? Did you just cry in front of them? Tell them they've hurt you? Sulk around the house? Sleep more? Stop eating? Give them sad eyes?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 9:10am
My H left after D-Day, he continued his A for 2 months, he never really saw my hurt. I lost 17 pounds because of this, i understand how you feel, you cant eat, you cant do anything. I dont think my H ever saw how hurt I was, he saw me cry a few times, but since he continued his A & lied to me about it, he saw more anger than pain. He would have seen my pain if he would have stayed in our home, but I could not live with him knowing that he was still seeing the OW. I still feel like he does not realize how bad he hurt me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 9:52am

I remember ----I was right there----peanut butter and crackers---please eat--you are at the "my body is breaking down" phase---you are emotionally bankrupt--you are dehydrated too---Please MAKE yourself eat--and take time to sleep--in your bed --without him around--even if it means throwing him out of the bedroom when you desperately want him there. YOU are too important to loose in all this emotion. RELAX--it will all be there for a while unfortunately--this is not a sprint--it is a marathon----take a deep breath and think of yourself----I started to remember all the little things I enjoy-----and then I started doing them----get back to yourself--imagine a big intermission---take time to do the things you need for yourself--go get a pedicure ( yes I said to do things for yourself NOW)--at the height of your pain dig in a take care of yourself--go for a long walk--these saved my sanity--I took my cell phone and did something I wold never in a million years do--I called a girl I barely knew--that I heard went through this--and she extended an olive branch to me and I can never pay her back but I can except a call from someone else in our position, and I will---she was my lifeline and I talked to her and walked -----we are best friends now-----if you can't do that keep posting --even when you do not feel like it --someone is always here. Do not sweat the not crying--BTDT---you have been mortally wounded---you can not expect your body to handle the shock---you are only 1 month out--give yourself a break--YOU ARE DOING FINE---I am thinking of you and I will add you to my prayer list --YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT--Start seeing yourself through your own eyes and not as a reflection in his......


as for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 9:58am

"they loose their way for a while"


well said!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 10:33am

I'm sending cyber huggs!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 10:59am

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:01pm

That was a great suggestion from bri83


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:07pm

Thank you so much for your posts. I really appreciate your advice.


Tryn- "Emotionally Bankrupt" is exactly what I feel right now. I couldn't put it into words. And I thought I'd be hysterical right now. But I am just as you said, "Emotionally bankrupt."


I just want him to know how much he's hurt me. I wish he knew the enormity of the pain he's inflicted on me. And he seems to know he hurt me but will do nothing more than say, "I know I hurt you. I'm sorry" and he expects that to end the conversation. Like ALL I needed was to hear him say sorry and then I'm fine. It's so hard.


Ollie- what you say about seeing a stranger going through this pain- that's how I would react too. And here I am. Someone he loves and is committed to and he can't make the effort to see/understand my pain. He just knows that he caused the pain and says sorry. That's all I get.


Thanks for your continued advice and support. I don't have a friend that I feel I can trust (especially since my whole idea of trust is blown to pieces) so none of my friends understand that something this huge is going on. I just told them we've got a bump in the road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:28pm

The posts I've read in response to your message sound very wise. They do lose their way for a while, as do you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:34pm

Hi neverguessed


I'm so sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:47pm

neverguessed


Big Hug! Try to eat something. If you can't tolerate real food... go and

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