How do I stop him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
How do I stop him?
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 12:20am
My husband has told me that if he gets a girlfriend on the side. I should not be worried because I am his wife and he won't divorce me. I am in the military and he has told me that when I deploy to Iraq he is getting a girlfriend because he can't live without sex for a long time. I have also found emails from other women saying how much she misses him. He is also on lots of dating websites and tells these women that he is separated. I don't know what to do. I confronted him about being on dating websites and he says I'm overeacting. I feel hurt by these things. Especially since I was pregnant at the time.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2009
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 3:08am
OMG!!! He
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 6:54am

I am prior military and my husband is still in the military. I understand how you feel about the deployment issue. My husbands last deployment he kissed another girl and then called me that night to tell me and apologize. Now fast forward to the present and he has been having an affair with a girl, and I say girl because she is 21, that is in the same career field as him and who he parties with regularly. My husband is someone that needs sex constantly and can only handle doing it himself for a short amount of time. I have found out that my husband tells others that we have an open marriage and that our marriage is different. Which I don't understand why he does it, but apparently he thinks it. Which is why we are in the middle of a talk about divorce and what we can and should do. He won't change having girls that are friends and I never had a problem with that until this girl came along and they were more than friends. I don't trust him with friends that are girls but he still won't give that up. I won't put myself in a position where I will get cheated on again. He won't give some things up and he doesn't want to go to counseling, so it is a lost cause and no reason for a fight.

I think the best thing for you is to get a divorce. I know it sounds radical and so hard, but think about it. Do you really want to worry for months, while you are deployed somewhere you really don't want to be, that your husband is cheating on you and sleeping with some other woman in your bed. I think that would drive you crazy and would be so tiring. Also you have to worry about your mission and safety while deployed and how can you stay alert and ready for anything when your cheating spouse is always on your mind. If you can get him to go to counseling then maybe things will work, but I would say that if he can't own up to what he is doing is wrong then he won't change and he won't stay faithful. So instead go to legal and pick those pamphlets on divorce, child custody, and separation. Then start doing some reading on what to do and leave them out to show if that you mean serious business. Start doing your homework and seeing what all you have to do. Because the more prepared you are the better you will feel about the steps you may have to take.

I always say that I am preparing myself for the worst, but hoping for the best.

Good luck to you and I am sorry that you have to go through this. But this is a great website and the people here really help with all the pain.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 3:30pm

I concur...being ex military. Divorce the jerk. Sorry but his validating his right to do this is simply not right.

If he already is on most of these things then he is not new to doing it and just is so sure you wont leave him that he feels confident enough to share his exploits to be..

Yeah...I would divorce him.well I did mine. You dont need that stress

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 12:44am
You've got to be kidding. He is on dating sites and says YOU are overreacting. This guy is a first class jerk. Divorce him ASAP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 1:01am
I'm not coming out to say divorce him, but I don't understand why he's married at all if he feels like this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2009
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 12:03am

You haven't divorced this a-hole yet??? What's the hold up?? You don't have kids so you can sever the relationship w/o ever having to look back. Get out now, now, now before he takes ALL of your self esteem. You are showing heavy duty signs of his depletion of you already.

No big explanations either as he does not deserve them -- Just tell him you are tired of being stuck with a guy who's unsatisfying in bed with a **** that's

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 2:40am
You can't stop him from doing what he's going to do. But if you divorce him, it won't be your problem anymore and you can concentrate on what you need to do. This guy sounds like a sh*t, and if he doesn't consider himself married, why should you stay married to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 4:34am

Being married to the military... you and I both need to talk to your chain of command. If you do not wish to do so it is because you are ok with this. So what if he gets some BHA, he can't get your check......he might get some of the COLA....but that might not happen to if they find out about the cheating. I would rather him get that than 400,000 if I die to share with some loser skanky pants.

Seems to me that you don't want a way out. Because being military you know you can find a way out. Do you really want him dating other women while you are down range? Oh yeah that will be good for the people around you. You will not be able to think about the mission and might put others lives at risk. What are you thinking? You need to leave him alone , divorce him, and stop putting up with his crap. Why are you letting him do this to you? You need to talk to JAG.

What would you tell someone under you if they came to with this situation? Would you tell them to leave or stay? Don't let anyone make a fool out of you. People mess up.....but when someone tells you I am going to do it and you should be proud I am not going to divorce he is Rufus Sewell or something. The Army teaches you to be strong not weak. Show him the door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 10:01pm

I'm a little confused by this post. Didn't you post before that you and your husband are already living with a woman that is your husband's girlfriend?




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 10:15pm

I went back and read your other posts about the live-in girlfriend and the way your H is abusing you; and, yes, it is definitely abuse.

I have been reading and posting on this site for 18 months, and have very rarely told someone straight out to leave their H. I usually feel that that has to be their decision, and I feel it is too big of a decision for me to weigh in on strongly, but, if what you are saying is really going on, you have to GET OUT of this marriage. This guy's disrespect for you and for his vows is repulsive, and you need to get away from him BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

You must have some resources you can tap into - family, friends, military resources (a counselor, lawyer, family services?). You need to GET HELP from these resources and get out. Remember, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG HERE but try to keep your vows. Meanwhile he is throwing this other relationship in your face and taking advantage of you by leeching off you for 3 years and now letting this other woman leech off you while they have their fun (you really think they "sleep" all day?). You have become his victim and you need to get some help and get yourself OUT of the victim role.

If you need to, pack your stuff next time they go out and MOVE into a hotel (how would he pay the rent if you left, btw?, ha, ha). Clear your head and get help!

Please, please, PLEASE, DO THIS NOW.

Keep us posted on what is happening. We are here to help you to whatever extent we can.