How effective is silence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
How effective is silence?
15
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 12:16am

hello everyone


i have been married for nine and half year. one and half year back i came to know my H has been having an affair for last whole one year. i was shattered. i cried a lot asked him why did he do this. demanded him to end the affair immediately. He felt very guilty. not once tried to blame me for his affair. called himself selfish and weak. I didn't want to leave him. we have got 2 kids together. they r still too small to notice any tension between us.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 12:01am
I agree about counseling.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 7:19pm
Did he not say that he WISHES she would find someone else so that he would be free of his obligation to her? He also said he has to talk to her because of business reasons and nothing personal. So then WHY is he not happy that he finally is relieved of his obligation to her? The fact that she is crying and keeps sending him messages trying to stop him tells me that there is probably a lot more between them than he is admitting. I agree with the last poster about you and him needing marriage counseling. He needs to figure out why he thought he could lead this double life and think it is okay to do this. He has NO obligation to her at all, DO NOT EVER let him tell you that again. His obligation is to YOU and his CHILDREN period. And SHE should have seen this coming when she got herself romantically involved with a married man. Both of them are just as guilty as the other and are both going to have to face the fallout now.
He now needs to be an open book to you with the cell bill and phone, no secret e mail accounts or passwords etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 4:43pm

You go straight to the counselor's office.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 2:03pm

thank u myra and others like u who told me silence is not the answer and i need to do something drastic to make him see that he can not have both of us in his life....


yesterday i took ur advice and gave him an ultimatum.... to choose between her and me ..... otherwise i would be gone.... and i said it only after seriously considering the option of leaving him..... i knew it would work because he is always too concerned about what others think....... until now it's just between us..... but if i left him then everyone would know....


so he just immediately told OW that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 1:41pm
...when have we 'battled'?...I truly am interested what you think the OP has left to say to her husband...sorry you think it's a battle...if anything, I felt like you were trying to discount my experience (10 years removed from) with the infidelity and the lessons that I learned...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 1:36pm
Can I ask you a question before I just block your posts?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 8:53am
...what do you think she should say to him that she hasn't already told him?...other than "it's over, get out"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 11:38pm
Is this working for you?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 10:54pm

I am not silent because i have given up. i am silent to punish him. i know my silence bothers him. everything u r telling me i should tell him has already been talked and discussed between us the first time i came to know about his betrayal. I cried, shouted , demanded him to leave her. I told him that there was no hope for us if he is still in contact with her. He knows what i think so i haven't got anything new to say to him and he has got no new excuses to tell me. i am tired of hitting my head with the wall.... now i want peace that's why i have chosen silence over arguements.


For me he is just not there. i am ignoring him even though we still live together. and all this bothers him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 8:12pm
Oh, I could not ever cheat either. I don't believe in playing games like that. I was not saying that you should actually cheat, what I'm saying is that by asking him if he wants an open marriage, it will make him think about how he would feel IF you were doing it. Food for thought so to speak.


Edited 6/19/2010 8:15 pm ET by peaceyma

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