How to get through these first few weeks???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
How to get through these first few weeks???
9
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 12:07pm

Hello All,

Unfortunately I have recently become a BS...never thought this could happen to me...right! So here I am reading other people's stories and realizing I have many of the same questions that the rest of you do.  At least I don't feel so alone I guess, but I am wondering at what point I will start to feel like I am moving forward...

My D-day was October 14th, when my H's OW decided to spill the beans to her H. Hear is the catch...OW was my best friend of over 10 years. My level of hurt and betrayal goes beyond just my H having an affair.  From what I know...and they both have said...it happened a couple of times over a month and my H ended it the day before D-day.  She was mad that he wanted to stop what was going on...I think maybe that is why she told her H about it..that and the fact that he had discovered their texting through his phone bill.  

I spent the first week in a total daze of shock, hurt, and barely remember getting through those first few days.  My H and I have been together about 5 years and have a 2 year old in addition to 3 children from our previous marriages.  He says that he ended it because he realized what he was doing and couldn't continue that relationship...he wanted to be with me and wasn't willing to risk everything we had.  I of course have asked, why, how, why why why...and he has tried to be open with me I think.  He made himself an appointment with a therapist without me asking and has went once and has another appointment coming up because he said he needs to know why he did it as much as I do.  He divorced his first wife because she cheated, his father and mother divorced because his father cheated and he always hated him for that...so why in the world would he do this to me?  That of course is always the big question.

As for my so-called best friend...I confronted her as soon as I found out...she wouldn't say a word or look at me...I have not contacted her or tried to talk to her since.  She did send me an email saying that she was so sorry for what she has done to my family and to me and that she regrets it...I did not respond.  We live in a small community, our children are friends...we have many mutual friends....this is going to be a long road.  One I am not sure I can go down.

My H says he really wants to make things work and is willing to do anything to make that happen. I did not ask him to leave, I told him that if he really wanted to get through this he had to walk every painful step with me.  It would be to easy to let him leave and then come back when I am better...but then he wouldn't be able to see the agony I am going through. I am not sure that has been the right thing to do - but I am also having terrible anxiety when he is not at home.  Is that normal?  

This roller coaster of emotions has went on for almost 3 weeks and while I know that it could take a long time to heal...how do you all cope on those days that you get so angry you feel you could hurt someone?  I have avoided that so far, I have been praying and reading a christian based book called "A Love Worth Giving" which has helped to calm me at times. But there are those times when I scream, cry and pound my fist on the steering wheel because I  tend to have them when I am alone in the car, that I need to know how to get this anger out...or is that even possible? I have thought about writing a letter to her and to him..but not sending? Has anyone tried something like that? What methods have some of you used that helped you with the anger, resentment and hatred that boil inside? I don't want to do anything to make this worse than it already is...I just want to move forward and get through this stage.  I know the hurt may never go away...but I need to know that some of this will get better!

Any suggestions are appreciated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:51pm
Its been over a year since my DD and I wish I could say I was doing great and totally over it. Unfortunately, its still a daily struggle. I still have a lot of anger towards her. I like you blamed her more than my husband. I honestly felt what she did was worse than him. My husband and I had issues, and I already had some trust issues with him. I had found profiles before on the internet he had, one on adult friend finder which he claimed to just be to look at pictures. Or tried to say he was looking for me on it??? She knew all this too. She knew we had issues. She knew how I felt about him cheating. I always said if I ever found out he had actually cheated that would be the end. And yet here I am still with him. They both said it was just about hte sex, no feelings involved??? I can't understand it. How they could do it. I think I could understand better if they thought they were in love. It would have hurt but at least I would have understood it. Anyway, its hard. Its a daily struggle. I can't watch tv without there being something ot remind me. You don't realize how much cheating goes on on tv shows and movies until something like this. I hate it! I hate seeing it on tv. I think its no wonder our society is the way it is and so many people cheat. TV glamorizes it. Everything also is about sex on it. We love the show How I met your mother. However, I can't help but wondering if my husband should watch it. I of course would never say no you can't watch it. I enjoy the show. But as much as they talk about sex and oh whats his name constantly banging chic after chic and making it sound like the best thing. I can't help but wonder, does my husband wish he could be like him? Thoughts like that drive me crazy. ' I had a breakdown last night over trust issues. I told my husband I struggle, I want to be able to trust him again but I don't ever want to feel as stupid and used as I did after I found out. My husband is not a talker though. Its like torture for him to talk about his feelings. About the most I can get out of him is I love you. When I begged him for more, he mumbled I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it was mumbled and didn't' sound sincere. I don't know sometimes if he just has this wall up and just struggles with letting it down to show emotions or if he just doesn't feel that way about me. Hopefully your husband is better than mine and shows more remorse than mine. My husband never cried or showed much emotion no matter how much I cried. The only time I saw him cry was before I knew about them. I had found some profiles online and we had gotten into a huge fight. I had called her and she came and got me and we went to a park and talked. She was texting him while we were there. But she said he had asked her to watch the kids for him while we went out. I had planned a date for us but he over slept and by the time he got up we didn't' have time to go before the daycare closed. Well her grandmother was sick at the time and she was supposed to go see her but when I called she came. At the time she was calling him a snake ( I guess that should have been another clue but I thought it was because of how he was treating me). Well when I got back home he and I talked and he cried then. Only now I wonder if it was over me or over her. That was two months before I found out, but I think it may have been what ended it between them or it wasn't long after. If my husband showed more remorse or talked to me more, I think things would be easier. But he doesn't. Hopefully yours is better at helping you get over this. Oh and as for rambling on here, I have a tendency to do that too, as you have probably noticed. Its easy to do and it is nice to have somewhere to go where others can relate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 10:08pm

Thank you Dreamtwin...sounds like we are experiencing similar situations...unfortunately not in a good way! I don't know if I could cope well if he were gone alot right now.  I know this is going to take a long time but some days I don't know if I can do it.  My anger tends to go back and forth depending on the day...some days I am more angry at him and others all of my anger is at her.  I guess my expectations of a best friend and a husband are different.  As a woman I almost expect men to be weak and stupid. But my best friend is supposed to be mine...this is a line as a woman you never ever ever cross.  I can't believe that she could be so cruel and vindictive.  I have heard through the grapevine that she is saying things like she tried to end it several times and that my H wouldn't leave her alone. And that she was the one that ended it the night before I found out.  The worst part is...I have proof that my H is the one that ended it...I had her phone in my truck the day I found out. I read a few of the messages she had sent and his replies.  It was the most earth shattering moment of my life to see that in black and white.  I have other things that happened with her that tell me she was definitely pursuing him, and I am not naive enough to put all the blame on her..obviously he could have said no before it went as far as it did. But to know that she is telling people now that it was all him, makes me sick. She even went as far as to tell her mom that my H raped her the first time. Her mom showed up on my doorstep screaming and yelling that my H was a rapist...in front of our children. She even called the police...which so did I ...to get her away from my house.  When the police interviewed her she changed her story to the truth which was they had an affair.  I am just really struggling with how someone that you are close to can destroy your life so easily and not even seem to care who they hurt in the process.  I know I get on here and just start rambling but it really does seem to help even if just for a little bit.  Almost like relieving a pressure that builds up I guess.  How do you think you are doing now that it has been a few months?  I am terrified of how I will react when I do see her again.  And I know I can't avoid it forever because she lives so close, our kids are in the same grades etc....its going to happen eventually.  Part of me has so many things to say to her, but I know that will only keep things going and I want nothing more than to move past this.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 8:28pm
wow, your story sounds so much like mine. My ex-best friend, also would say things that at hte time I didn't realize to be anything but thinking back they are like slaps in the face. Just little hints. She even rented a movie once about a best friend stealing her best friends boyfriend! So many hints. She even helped me pick out lingerie at Christmas time for him! Another thing you said rang a bell with me. You said it was like your best friend dying. I think its almost worse than that (and no I don't wish her dead). Its just that had she truly died, our friendship still would have been real. I would be able to cherish the memories we had together!. Now all those memories are tainted. I wonder if she was ever really truly my friend. Because I don't understand that had she truly been my friend how she could have hurt me the way she did. I actually went to a walk to remember a girl I went to school with. She was killed when we were in high school. Her best friend had the walk to remember her. I knew how the other girl was feeling when she was crying for her best friend. But I couldn't hlep thinking that she was lucky to have had a true friend and although we all wish she could still be here today, at least she had the memories and would always know she had a true friend and would one day see her again in heaven. As for feeling that you can't handle losing your husband on top of everything. I felt the same way. The month after I found out was the loneliest month of my life. I felt so alone. I honestly still am quite lonely. My husband works a lot, and I miss having someone to talk to. And I don't know that I will ever be able to have a friendship like that again. I will never be able to fully trust someone again. I'm hoping thats not the case. Also, a few months after our DD my husband had an appendicitis attack and it almost burst. But he was off work for months and I had to help care for him afterward. I think having that time together helped. He was home all the time for months, which was something we hadnt' had since he got his job. It was nice having him home and helped with the loneliness i felt from losing my best friend.. I struggle now that he is back to work and working a lot though. Its hard not having someone to talk to. I have my kids which are my life. But having that friend to talk to about things you can''t talk to kids. Just that friendship. I miss it. I miss having someone to shop with. To go see chick flicks with. I hate missing her too. I hate it because I don't want to miss someone that could hurt me like she has. Anyway, I am sorry for what you are going thru. I understand the pain and hurt you are feeling because I have been there myself. Stay strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 8:27pm

My H does seem to be more attentive and focused on how I am feeling since this has happened. I just don't know if it is because he feels guilty or because he truly loves me and wants to fix everything.  The roller coaster of emotions becomes almost more than I can stand at times.  Today we were having a "close" moment and I just broke down crying.  I am trying not to think all the horrible thoughts when we are trying so hard to get through this, but I can't help but wonder - is he comparing me to her etc...  I guess if I could understand what caused this to happen in the first place some of that would maybe go away.  He did tell me in one of our first open conversations that he had lost his attraction for me...but that had changed even before I found out...he said he realized that it didn't matter what I looked like (we have a 2 year old..I have struggled to get back to my pre-baby weight..only by about 10 lbs.) but who I was.  He says he is in love with me and really wants to know why he did this himself.  Its just very hard and hurtful to know this is possible when I thought that our marriage was "safe".  I knew we had some communication issues, mostly when it comes to the kids.  He has a son from a previous marriage, I have two - a son and daughter - from a previous marriage and we have one son together.  There seems to always be some kind of tension with the kids but I cannot believe that is the reason he strayed.

Guess some questions probably never get answered... I am going to set up an appointment with a therapist. I think I need to try it at least to see if it helps. We are also supposed to start couple therapy in a couple weeks. I know everyone says it takes time, but the pain sometimes is almost unbearable.  

Do any of you have suggestions on topics to talk about with H and which ones to avoid?  I keep thinking about all different things I want to say and I avoid them sometimes because I am almost afraid he will answer me and it would hurt worse to know than it does not to know..only wonder?? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 2:19pm
I'm in a situation pretty similar. My D Day was Oct. 20th. I found out my husband has cheated 4 times with 4 different girls within the past year. 3 were just for sex (H has a sex addiction), but the last one was more. We have a 20 month old daughter, and after she was born I had issues having sex. It hurt for a very long time so we didn't do it much. I knew he had a sex addiction but I never thought it was so bad that he would do this. The last girl actually was an old girlfriend of his, he would talk to her about our problems and she wanted something serious with him even though she had 2 young kids of her own. He even went as far as to talk to an attorney. On D-Day we had actually gotten into a pretty bad fight and he mentioned divorce before he left for work. I called a friend of mine to come over to talk and she told me about his affair. Her husband is my husbands best friend so that's how she knew. I confronted him that night after he got home. He has been very remourseful and says he really wants to try to make things work. We changed his number, blocked her number, deleted his Facebook but she has still found ways to get ahold of him. It's really hard to forget everything when she won't just give up. I feel like I'm actually doing pretty well given the circumstances. I've always had issues with my weight so I've started focusing a lot of my time and energy into working out and losing weight. The working out also seems to help release all the anger I have towards her. H has told me her story and that her ex H cheated on her while she was pregnant with her 2nd child. I just can't fathom someone who knows what this feels like having no problem with doing it to someone else, and even when he's told her to leave him alone she just won't give up. I know it's not all her fault, but my husband does have some problems and had she just said no this would've never happened. H has been very good to me since I found out. He's been more attentive to my needs and checks in with me regularly if he's out. We've began attending church more regularly and are on a waiting list for a counselor. I'm hoping that over time it will disappear. My email address is artimmons86@gmail.com if you'd like to talk sometime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 10:33am

First of all thank you all for your encouragement and suggestions.  I have no intention of trying to repair my friendship with OW. I went to her house within minutes of finding out and although I am not proud of my actions, I screamed, yelled asked her why and even hit her a few times. I was totally devastated and not thinking clearly.  Even though I have thoughts about contacting her, I have not. She did send me a message telling me she didn't realize it was possible to miss someone so deeply and that she regrets what she has done to my family and kids (she didn't say me specifically which I found interesting) I did not respond at all.  I don't want to ever see her again, but she lives about 4 houses away and our children are the same ages, same schools, same sports so I know at some point I won't be able to avoid it unfortunately.  I just pray I can maintain my anger when I do for my children's sakes. They are what keep me going right now.

As for my H, he says that he didn't have feelings for her, that it was just a fling..an escape..whatever. But I am struggling with that because I don't believe it.  They had many opportunities to talk, played words with friends so they could chat and it wouldn't be on the cell phone bills...etc.  As I have thought about the time while the A was going on, there were things she had said to me that I cannot even fathom now that I know.  She had told me words with friends was her favorite game to play...I had told her one day that I was going to get my hair colored darker because that was how my H liked it..she had her hair colored that way the next day.  She has always been blonde....she had a tattoo put on her wrist...it said "just breathe".  When I asked her why she got it she said it was because she needed to remind herself to breathe when she was stressed about her kids etc...I think it was something else now.  

There are so many emotions because everyday she was in my life while she was texting chatting and sleeping with my H.  She was rubbing my face in it and I didn't even realize it.  She was always offering to pick up my youngest son at daycare...same one her kids went to...and drop him off or stopping by more often than she had before the affair.  There always seemed to be some reason she needed to come by the house.  Our families did things together every weekend.  I feel like my best friend died...that is what this grief feels like because in a sense she has...She is gone to me forever.

I think that is what I am struggling with along with the visions, nightmares and everything that go along with the H cheating.  I know I want to try to repair my relationship with him, but there are times I am not sure I can. But then I realize that I am not sure I can handle losing him right now on top of all of this.  

Now to add fuel to the fire of emotions I am going through, he was put in the hospital this weekend and we are being told he could be very ill.  I feel guilty for still thinking about what we are going through and still being angry with him for the A.  I feel like I really need to let it go so we can focus on whatever may be wrong with him now because if it is something serious like the doctors are indicating....do I want to waste time being mad? I am not sure how much more bad news I can handle right now.  It has been 3 weeks today since I found out about the A and now our world has been turned upside down yet again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 1:36am

First off I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember my first few months were like a nightmare. I could barely function, I felt like I was a zombie going through the motions. My advice to you is defiantly speak to a therapist I would recommend talking to one alone for the next few weeks. My H and I did both individual and couple therapy and nothing was accomplished during couple therapy in the first few weeks because I didn't care about anything he said! I hated him and he hurt me so bad that I didn't care how he felt. The individual therapy defiantly helped, my therapist was so encouraging and helped me figure out the best way for me to personally deal with my anger, and she totally focused on me and not the affair! She was also my husband’s therapist and she explained to him what he needed to do to help me recover. The first few months the focused was not on the affair or his feelings it was all centers around how I would deal with this and could I deal with this in our marriage. My husband never once in the first few months talked to me about his feelings and I can honestly say that is what saved our marriage; I was not strong enough to hear how my husband was feeling at that time. So my advice to you is concentrate on yourself and your children right now don't make any rash decisions, I spoke with a divorce attorney within 48 hours of D-day and even she suggested I give it time. I thankfully never had to take any medication but I did exercise a lot my favorite is running outside it gave me time to myself and always brought me a feeling of peace. I agree with the previous post don’t contact the OW at all, I struggled a lot with this but thankfully through all my anger I could see that nothing positive would come out of the confrontation with her (although I am not going to lie I really really really wanted to scream at her). The fact that she was such a close friend to you makes the infidelity like a double hit and I really think you will need to morn that relationship (A therapist can help you with that). But the most important thing I can suggest is let it out!!! I remember one night screaming for hours and crying like a psychopath calling my husband everything in the book I literally cried until my eyes were almost swollen shut, I felt awful after but woke up the next day and just felt a little lighter. My crying spells sadly happened weekly for about 4 months but then they got less and less and now I can't even remember the last time I cried over it. One thing I learned from all of this is that I refused to let myself play the victim (even though I truly was), I felt like if I allowed myself to be victimized then how could I ever possibly begin to forgive or ever move on. I know these first few weeks and months are tough, and I know reading that time will make it less difficult is so annoying but it's true. If your husband is truly sorry and makes an effort to try and mend his mistakes, then give yourself some time to heal and start talking again. My husband and I are doing well, I am far from healed but at least I feel back to normal we are starting to talk about our future again and some of the trust we lost is slowly creeping back in. I wish you the best and know you’re not alone!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 1:03am

If my best friend did this I'd never speak to her again, but that's me.  Only you know if that can be repaired, and it's hers to fix.  As for your DH, first and foremost you need to know it didn't have a thing to do with you or your marriage, it's 100% about his own demons and he acted them out in a way that devastated you instead of getting help to deal with them.  Although I'm sure some of us worried our spouses had a weakness in them that could lead them down this kind of path, still we couldn't really believe it would happen in our own marriages.  Since there was infidelity in his parents' marriage and his own wife also cheated, yes, you'd THINK he'd be sure he'd never repeat it, but still, his reason for doing this is his own problems.  Having mixed feelings like you are having - wondering if it'd be wiser if he was just gone but feeling anxious when he's still there - you're in good company, been there myself.  Also that feeling that you could see yourself acting out really badly - I think that's pretty common, that's rage you're keeping in check, I'd think.  My therapist had me slamming ice cubes onto the concrete floor of our garage to try to deal with it, you need to get it out somehow - I've been known to throw things and once in a total rage I tossed many things my DH had given me out onto the lawn, incl. our wedding album, and then I sat there hoping it would pour down rain (I swear I would have let them get ruined, I wouldn't have saved them).  Maybe a therapist could help you, too, to find out for sure if you are making the right decision for you and help you find ways to deal with all the anger and hurt that goes along with infidelity.  I've done a lot of journaling, I just send e-mails to myself at one e-mail site and vent when I'm really needing an outlet.  Try reading "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends" - there are a zillion books out there but those two actually helped me, my DH read them, too.  Your guy has to become totally transparent to you, you get to check up on anything you want for as long as you want, you get to ask anything you want and expect the truth, and restoring trust is his job.  No magic way to get thru all of this, there really isn't, it's one day at a time, just do your best one day at a time.  You sound inclined to work things out, I wish you the best doing it, it's no picnic but some do it. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 1:14pm

First of all, I am so sorry you are going thru this! I have been there and it is horrible and over a year later I still have nights when I cry myself to sleep over the hurt of it all. My story is similar to yours.  My husband had an affair with my best friend (we had been friends for over 15 years). I talked to her everyday, told her everything. My husband was good friends with hers. Our families hung out all the time, kids played together, etc.  Their affiar lasted over a year though.  Still don't know for sure how long, how often etc.  But  a year of betrayal, a year of lies from the two most important adults in my life. My kids are the most important people in my life.  Talk about making you feel stupid (falling for all the lies), self conscious (how could the two people that know me best hurt me like that, am I not worthy of love and trust?)  hurt beyond imagination, etc.  Its a double blast. Harder too, because the person I would have turned to in this situation is one of hte ones that hurt me.  Lost too.  Anyway, I didn't deal well at all with it. My husband had to leave a week after I found out to go to training for his work for a month. During the month he was gone, I filed for divorce.  Said more on FAcebook and to people than I should have.  I was hurt and angry and wanted everyone to know what a jerk (could insert other more harsh word here if you want, trying to keep it clean for hte boards) my husband was. Thought there was no chance I could ever move forward and try to work things out with him.  I am however trying to work things out wiht him, dropped the divorce case and we are moving forward. It is still a struggle. I still have so much hurt and still do not understand everythign.  I struggle so much with trusting him and it is a daily batttle.  I struggle with depression.  My self esteem is low. I am trying to make new friends, I have some others but none I am close to and hang out iwth much. She was the one I talked to everyday, the one I went shopping with, hung out with most of hte time.  We too had a lot of hte same friends. I have a twin who was friends wiht her also (she no longer is of course) and other friends. Some of whom still are friends with her and some aren't.  I am a shy person and don't mkae friends easily so its not easy for me. 

  Well enough about that. My husband would say I am still feeling sorry for myself.  That is one part of our storiees that are different. It sounds like your husband is truly sorry and doing everything to he needs to do. Mine didnt' end it (well says it ended mutually but I'm not sure if  he is telling the truth or not). When I first found out he lied over and over.  He also had dating profiles (one on plenty of fish with his pic!). He swears she is was the only one he had an affair with but I honestly don't know if he is telling the truth or not.  Again, it sounds like your husband is truly sorry and doing his best to show u. 

  As for her, I am no longer her friend. At first she wouldn't tell me anything just that it happened. She never has given me her side. Said no point doing  he said she said. I found out thru lies and hints she gave. Her husband knew for over a month before I found out.  He lied to me too about things.  We emailed back and forth several times but I finally blocked her.  It just kept opening the wound over and over each time.  I have not seen her since I found out.  I am scared everytime I walk out hte door I will run into her. I do not know how I will react.  She is now pregnant (with her husbands child) and due any time now.  At first I wanted to go punch her, sometimes would still like to and I am not a violent person.  I thought about going to her house and telling her off.  Her husband did confront my husband on a couple occasions.  I never got that. Soemtimes I think it would have helped. Not having seen her since, I do not know how I will react when I do see her again. I hope and pray I can just pretend not to see her and hold it together until I can get somewhere by myself nad then lose it.  

  Ok, enough of my story.  Tips I have for you. Dont' try to be her friend, cut contact with her. You husband has already started counseling (which is awesome, I had to practically force mine and unfortunately we had terrilbe luch adn found two of the worst counselors possible (one of them had counseled the OW & her Husband and asked our names and still took our case). But the fact that he wants help is a great sign and a great step forward!.  Find a way to work out your aggression and not hold it in. I take a local kickboxing class and it was an amazing help to me.  I pictured their faces on the bags and punched and kicked as hard as I could :) Plus exercise is a great anti-depressant! at least for me it is.  I did take anti-depressants for awhile but didn't like the side effects so I stopped them.  There is a book I read and I had my husband read, its how to help your affair. It hleped me a lot. I think I paid $10 for the kindle edition of it.  It helped me to understand my feelings and emotions too.   Also, don't make any rash decisions.  My one to file for divorce cost me $1700.00.  Also, I am embarrassed becasue I told more people than I should have and said more on Facebook than I should have becasue I thought we were done. Now I sometimes feel like poeple look at me like I'm an idiot for staying with him etc.  Well, this has turned out really long.  If you ever need someone to talk to that has been thru the same thing feel free to message me.