how long does this hurt last

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2010
how long does this hurt last
9
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 8:18pm

It's been 17 months since d-day and there are days I still hurt like the first day. How long does this last? My h had a long term affair with an old high school prom date. He has shown remorse and is trying his best to help me and he has not communicated with her since d-day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 8:50am

Hi,


Yea... I know...now that the fog is clearing, I look back on the first few months of this and ask myself why I have handled this the way I have. Here is what I have come up with;


When I first found out, I was totally shocked, blindsided, etc. I could not think striaght or function well for months and still am not great. I definately told him how hurt, angry and betrayed I felt, etc. I fell apart. I did have it together enough to know how having this out and just leaving would have affected my kids 17 and 23 and other aspects of our life, so I told him he needed to decide. The Beyond Affair Network has good info...one is the list of ten things to do when this happens. It says to not make definite descisions when you are in this emotionally distraught period...I didn't, but wonder whether if I had just said leave or I had left, whould he have come to his senses earlier...feared losing me, or would I have lost him to her? It also says not to give an ultimatum until you are sure your spouse it reconnected to you and not the other person...I have done that. He

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:04pm

i can't imagine how you felt knowing your H was still involved with the OW and was "trying to break it off easily".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 8:51pm

Your H is still in a fog of selfishness and unreality. If you are rebuilding, there are absolutely no repairs to the M, and NO healing for the betrayed spouse until the wandering spouse has established NO CONTACT with the affair partner. He actually expected you to be healing while he was openly continuing his affair and living with you? That is a ridiculous expectation bordering on cruel.


You should really consider getting educated about affairs and finding a GOOD counselor, even if it is just for IC. MC would be good for your H, provided he will accept hearing how unreasonable his behavior is, and doing something about it.


Please get some GOOD books on the subject of affairs. Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends" and Janis Spring's "After the Affair" are good places to start. There are also some very good websites, the BSSG website and the Beyond Affairs Network are good places for information you can get immediately.


My H and I had been M 21 years and together 25 when

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:07am

Thank you for responding...my computer has been down so I could not reply sooner, but I do need communication as I talk to no one except my counselor about this.


A started early Sept...I found out in early Oct. He continued to see her...to "gradually break it off" and decide what he wanted through November. About December, he was telling me that if I could trust him to break it off, he wanted that and that she was no threat to us and he always loved me and wanted me and wanted our life together....By March or April, he took her name out of his phone...texts I saw in Jan and Feb...him confiding in her about the bad parts of his life upset me a lot. He told me ...duirng and argument...my meltdowns...that they had decided to not communicate anymore in April or May....not that long. In his mind, he says it has been 10 months ...am I ever going to get over it??? Some days, it is like yesterday still to me. We are spending time together and he is trying to be open about EVERYTHING he does and where he goes with me...to the point that I sometimes suspect hat he is covering something up....does this end. I was NOT willing to give up a 36 year relationship over this so easily, but it hurts that I never realized this person was in his life off and on and I never knew it It hurts to know that I was always NOT the only one in his life tht he cared for. He says he was lost and confused, but is committed to us even if I decide I am not. The worst months of this are coming up again and the memories are starting to come back...it is going to be difficult throught the end of the year.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 11:18pm

sadandmad,


thank you for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 6:12pm

Your story has such a happy ending it sounds like to me...I will feel so fortunate to be in your place after 21/2 years. My H says he has no contact, but I am still not sure and I don't know when I will be. He is being as open about things as one could be I suppose, but he travels and this is hard for me. I know in my right mind that his A with her ...they have a past...was spontaneous and happened at a low time in his life and in our 31 year marriage and he regrets it and that he is sorry he caused me such pain and is afraid that I may not ever get over it, but he hasn't had that "oh my god what did I do to her and what did I almost lose" moment like it sounds like your H had. He says I have to forget and get past it and says it's been 10 months....like that is long enough?? I found out only 1 month into the A...it has been less that 5 months since he saw her and only 3 since her number disappeared from his phone and contact ended. I can't imagine that I will be healed from this in 10 months. We have to start again

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 12:02am

jaded(and many of us become jaded and cynical after what happened to us),


i'm an "oldster here (dday may 2006) " so i can help you with my experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 10:23am

My mother always told me that it takes half the time of the length of your relationship to heal. I'd say it takes longer than that in times like yours. (((HUGS))) to you - glad to hear your DH has been supportive.

Are you in therapy? If not, maybe that would help you find your way through the pain?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2010
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 9:22pm

I'm a newbie here, so I don't have an exact answer. I have been through other painful things in life though and I think there are a few factors that go into getting through pain in general.

How much support you have
Time
Regularly getting out your feelings (therapist, friend, message board)
If you've completely forgiven him

I think that all of us will carry pain to our death bed. I know I will. I just hope that over time I am able to not let my mind dwell on this and hopefully have a happy marriage in the future.

I hope that the pain goes away for you soon...

(((Hugs)))