How many 2nd chances?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
How many 2nd chances?
36
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 7:43pm

In addition to the rage & (displaced) anger I'm reading, I'm also reading many posts about women & men giving their spouses 3rd, 4th, 5th...chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 6:45am
At this point in time..there is no second chance...I will let her file for D....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 7:27am

I did not mean to come off as judging ANYONE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 8:21am
Well, i still check up on him all the time! He hates it, swears it will never happen again etc etc. I do feel like i have a teenaged son, rather than a life partner! I don't feel the need to check though to stop him doing it again, but check to make sure i'm not being made of fool of again! Yes, if he really wants to cheat, he'll just do it anyway, but when that time comes, i won't be sitting there naively believing its all in the past, trusting him all over again, this time i will find out much quicker and boot him out right from the very first mistake, if he is foolish enough to go there again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 8:34am

To each their own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:56am

I'm certain that this is the FINAL chance. It was a total SHOCK that he was capable, no matter that he's a gambling addict and alcoholic. He is in FULL recovery mode at this juncture and we are putting things together again, very slowly. I'm just 3 mos out from D-Day and I'm still wounded and afraid but when he asked my needs the other day, what it will take to begin to trust him again I told him that I expect radical honesty and NC. There were other things but I told him that I dont wanna be his momma or the CIA...I just want to be his wife. If I have to spend all of my time "Investigating or lecturing" then it's just not worth it. I love him too much to have him NOT love me enough to stay faithful. If he cares enough about her to continue contact then I will go. I can suffer this kind of pain alone and not have to go through the other crap. Believe me, I think at this point leaving would have been the easy way out. If I didn't believe that we would come back stronger and better and more whole then I wouldn't put myself through it. I want him and the marriage but ONLY if I have all of him. So, he made a mistake...A REALLY HUGE ONE but I'm working with him to correct it. If he does anything like this again I will be out. I've made an exit strategy and have promised myself that I wont be swayed again, I'll go. I'd much rather grieve my marriage than live in a fake marriage. Part of what got me here was not being able to look at life as it is, I'm living in cold hard reality now and if it isn't what it should be then I dont want it.


How's that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:07am

Hey California-

There are some things in your post that I'm confused about and I'm just not "getting" it. Like here:

<>

How are you going to know that a cell phone call has occurred if you aren't looking at the records?

<>

Many of us were doing some "checking up" ALONG WITH seeing actions from our spouses that they were "changing". The checking up was a way to VERIFY that they were indeed changing. Both my H and I knew from the start of rebuilding that his words didn't mean much or anything anymore. That he needed to prove his commitment through his ACTIONS. And one type of action was to offer up ways for me to check up on him- to live his life as an open book. Did your wife ever lie to your face during her affair?

<>

When my H offered up ways for me to be able to check up on him, and he began living his life as an open book with me, that was a way for him to PROVE that he has NOTHING to hide. If I had said to him, "Hey, I want to take a look at your call logs" and he had RESISTED that, wouldn't that have been a huge red flag waving in the breeze that he DID have something to hide?

<>

I hope this doesn't come out sounding differently than I intend it to, but I honestly am really confused about what you mean when you say "setting yourself up". Are you referring to looking at the old records from during their affair, or the records showing what they are doing now in rebuilding? Either way I'm scratching my head a little bit about what you mean by "setting yourself up". I don't know if you could clarify that a bit?

To switch gears here:

<

one ANYTHING - and it is over. That is the line in the sand that we have both drawn.>>

I agree with you completely on the part about how the WS DOES need to decide that they aren't going to do this again, and often the BS needs to draw their own line in the sand in order for the WS to realize that they SERIOUSLY CANNOT do this again if they would like to remain married.

In my case, I do believe that this was my H's one and only affair. One affair seems to be all it "took" for him, to realize that he doesn't want to go down this path again. But he also did LOSE me for awhile because of it, and he had quite a nightmare experience with the OW, and I do think those things somewhat played a part in him coming to his "epiphany". For me on the BS side of it, one affair was also "enough" for me, and I drew my line in the sand. But the thing is, I think for some, when affair #2 happens they look back on how they approached affair #1 and maybe think, "You know, I wished I had done x, y, or z the FIRST time". And maybe they feel that if they approach it in these different ways this time, there's still a chance that their spouse won't do it again.

And with some I see in those sorts of situations, I don't see anything "wrong" with that, and think there could be some hope there. Say a person gets to affair #2, and the thing that they realize they didn't really do the first time WAS to draw a line in the sand. I think if they do draw their line in the sand now, after affair #2, there's still a chance that their spouse could change. Or say after affair #2 they then figure out what certain issues that their wayward spouse has that has drawn them towards having affairs, and maybe they see that those particular things weren't fully addressed the first time. Maybe they figure that if those issues were to be addressed NOW, after affair #2, that it would put an end to the behavior. And I think that could be possible and true.

I am pretty darn certain that if my H were to ever do something like this again, I would be GONE. But I think if that ever happens at that point I wouldn't really put it as "one time was enough for me"... I think it's a little more complicated than just that. I think I would be done because I feel that I HAVE already drawn my line in the sand, and there really wouldn't be anything much more that could be done. That so much has happened from this one affair, that if he didn't "get it" THIS time, it's not very likely he ever will. And that is just how I feel about my own particular spouse and situation. I can see where in some others' situations they might feel there would be more that could be tried, and if they want to try... I wouldn't "fault" anyone for that. We all make our own choices based on our own particular circumstances.

I think the shortest way to put it is, maybe for some it "takes" more than one affair before the WS has an epiphany, and the BS is ready to draw their line in the sand. And maybe it doesn't always really matter how many affairs occurred before those things happened, as long as they DO happen. Does that make sense?

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:24am

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 12:57pm

Val,


I agree with your your post and traciemarie's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 4:19pm
TODAY, IS THURSDAY IN SAN DIEGO - IT IS 80* AND ABSOLUTELY B E A U T I F U L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 7:43pm

This has been one of the more thoughtful discussions on how many chances the WS should be given and how much oversight the BS should take to rebuild trust without driving themself or WS crazy.


My wife wasn't interested in rebuilding after our DDay just over a year ago so I filed for divorce after two months of time wasted hoping she'd snap out of it.