How many 2nd chances?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
How many 2nd chances?
36
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 7:43pm

In addition to the rage & (displaced) anger I'm reading, I'm also reading many posts about women & men giving their spouses 3rd, 4th, 5th...chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:26pm

your kids may have SEEN you at your worst as you call it - but if your worst is reacting to the love of your life betraying and disrespecting not only you but your children, if your worst is dealing with the loss of the life you thought you had, if your worst is feeling the blow to your heart and spirit that she could/would go to that place with another man - THEN I BEG TO DIFFER THEY DID NOT SEE YOU AT YOUR WORST. no, they saw their dad, their father, their mentor, their protector, showing pain-----that is not the worst.

as i read your post i was taken with your empathy. empathy for your children and even her. that alone shows you are a good man.

the fact that she could not understand what and how you were feeling when you found out does not make you weak, but makes her very selfish and self indulging. she, unlike you has no empathy.

perhaps, the life she is living now is living proof of just how badly things can go wrong. i agree, that if she were to come to you and want to reunite it would be alot of red flags. is she has to wait for it to go south to realize what she had, then you are better off continuing on your journey without her. keeping in mind, i am simply a voyeur here, it is your life and you must do what is best for you.

you taking care of you, staying strong is the biggest life lesson that your children will learn from you. to be able to face adversity and be able to fight your way thru emotionally, intellectually and spiritually will be all inspiring for them. our children look to us to learn how to react to adversity in life, you have been inspirational in my opinion. the fact that after all of this you remain civil to her and even worry about her says a great deal about your integrity. you have been a great example of how MEN should carry themselves. i will share something with you that i have posted before. my then 16 year old daughter was besides herself when she found out that her father had been a life long cheater, even fathered an illegitimate daughter. she and her siblings, (his, mine, ours) were devastated. she not only was angry with her father, but she was angry with me. why? for staying, for living all of those years with a man who only loved himself. she had never understood why he never went to her basketball games (she played all thru school, was the captain in her junior and senior year - even took her team to the championships). the reason he was never at his games, he was with them, the other women. she told her dad "i thought of you as this perfect father, almost like a God, i wanted to marry someone just like you - NOW, no, never would i marry someone as low as you."

so, you see your actions speak so much louder than words.

much happiness to you and your children in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:34pm

in the words of ronald reagan TRUST BUT VERIFY.

as always val, you are able to so eloquently put into words what my emotion was keeping me from doing.

you remind me of a SISTER SUPERIOR (a nun in Catholic Schools) i use to have. she to use tell me, Kathleen you might want to temper that fire with a little bit of prayer. funny, how reading your post brought her to mind. i am sure she is up there reading my posts and thinking "yes, that is my kathleen".

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 2:22am
Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's taken time and considerable effort to try and let go. Throughout this my three kids were the forcing function to pull myself together. Once I realized that I was the only remaining responsible adult in the house to look after the kids, that gave me a very clear perspective and focus.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:13am

Your post really, really affected me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 3:50pm

hi california,


you are right.

 

Malia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:32pm

California


Thanks for the affirmation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:39pm

I can feel your pain and I am sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:49pm

M


I reached the same conclusion you just made 10 months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:52pm

Change a few details in your story and I could have been you about 7 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:18pm

Highwire


Thanks for the response.