How to move on after an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
How to move on after an affair
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 2:02am

I found out my husband was having an affair, which he denied, and then became a super sleuth to find out as much as I could about what was going on. He eventually confessed, after faced with the evidence, and swore that it was over. It continued until fairly recently when I got in touch with the other woman and told her to back off. To make things more complicated my husband has faced a crisis at work, through no fault of his own, and is suffering severe depression.

We decided that we would try to move on from all this but I admit that I had become obsessed with finding out as much as I could about the affair and recently hacked into my husband and the B****s secret email account. I spent all day reading all the messages that they sent each other over the year of the affair. I now feel thoroughly ill and images of all their rendezvous and what they did to each other are stuck in my head. Even worse, it wasn't all about sex, they seemed to adore each other and my husband used all the terms of endearmetnt I thought were special for me. He also

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 7:10am

"they seemed to adore each other and my husband used all the terms of endearmetnt I thought were special for me."


I'm so sorry for this. My spouse slept with her high school boyfriend after her 20th reunion. I was on a sales trip that weekend. A sales trip that she was suppose to go with me on. They had a seven week affair and she fell for him again. In July of last year she asked me to take a walk with her. She asked for a divorce. She ultimately planned to go to him. But I didn't find out about him for two more weeks. We are rebuilding.

I know this isn't great news, but an affair is similar to the anguish of the death of a loved one. From all I've read, it takes about two years of hard work to recover from this type of emotional loss. You should read my posts from September of 08. I couldn't imagine having this feeling in my guts for two years. The fact is that you won't. The pain will change over time. I hear my spouse telling me how sorry she is. That it was a huge mistake. That if she had known what it would have done to me that she never would have done it. That her choices hurt the other man/men and their families. (there were others leading up to HS boyfriend) That it ultimately wasn't my fault--it was her choice. She is treating me well and is saying kind and loving things about me and to me. And her narrative about how she feels about the affairs becomes more and more mature.

But I still hurt. I hurt a great deal. But every week things get a little bit better.

You're going to get through this. Things will get better. But it has to start with you taking care of yourself first. Things will not get better if you're not eating right, (not comfort food but quality food--veggies fruit, grains.) getting in a workout of some sort. (even if it's just walking and something simple like crunches or pushups. but just so you know, I found that the more you do, the better you will feel. ) And getting some therapy is really a must.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. You can do this. From your post, it's clear that you are a very strong person. Good for you. You can do this.


5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 7:59am
The first thing you have to realize is that you may heal but you will never forget.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 11:27am

I can only second what the others have said.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 1:29pm

yeah, me to move on????I have a similar problem, but my partner of 14 years admitted to me he's had a crush on a female friend of ours for over a year, the whole time he was pushing me away. After we have had several talks on trying to get past it, he doesn't see that I really hurt. We tried having dinner with this friend the other night, and I had to talk to him about his behavior. He claims she doesn't know about it, it was a secret crush. I tend to believe this because I think she would hit him over the head with a frying pan. I know I want to.

But it is very hard, I understand you completely. While this was an affair in his own mind only, it still was an affair.I tried to explain to him I am having a really hard time trying to be civil to this person, that he has put me in a rotten position, that his desire to not have her know about the crush at all is sooooo selfish.

But I am trying to get past it all, but a part of me is thinking I need to move out. That maybe a separation would wake him up...I really think a lot of this has to do with the long term relationship. That after a while we grow too used to the other and just don't do the little things anymore. I thought I was building a life with someone, and they mentally left it.

We must all have our chin ups, and think about getting past something. But we should have the right to still have these feelings. I hate how men say something is done with, over. It is not over, but we have to live past it if we can. Also, they need to embrace this as their doing, they did it. But yes, stop snooping. It's really hurting you more.