How to move forward???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
How to move forward???
13
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 4:04pm

I have been married about a year & and a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 5:10pm
Well maybe you need to ask him " if it would be okay with him if you had a ex boyfriend that you cheated on him with in the past as a client of yours." You may not have any proof that he cheated physically with her BUT I would say the extensive phone calls to her that you found on the bill would indicate that they did have some kind of inappropriate relationship. My guess would be with such an extensive amount of phone calls that he did at least meet with her. The big issue here that I see is that he doesn't seem to care that him having further contact with her is upsetting and hurting you. My feeling is that if a spouse is doing anything that makes you doubt him or feel insecure that he/she should end the behavior, not because you are trying to tell them what to do, but because they should be wanting to make YOU feel secure in their love for you and that YOU are the only person they are interested in romantically. I think a person that really loves you will respect those boundaries and not look at it as you trying to control them, and if they do then you have to look at whether they really care about you enough to make you feel secure in the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 5:43pm

Hi, and welcome.

I think you won't find very many people here that you would think you are being "insecure". In fact, his behavior looks like "red flags" to me.

Even if nothing physical ever occurred, he could still be having an emotional affair with her, which many still consider cheating. (you can google the term, or a good book about emotional affairs is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass). Anything that takes away time and energy from the marriage, or where they are giving things to someone else that they should only be giving to you can be considered cheating. It's definitely not healthy for a marriage.

If they feel they have to hide something from you, then chances are they are doing something wrong there. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Another one we often say here- TRUST YOUR GUT. If something feels "off" to you, then it probably is.

Cheaters will twist, downplay and minimize, lie, and deny, deny, deny. They often won't admit anything until they are confronted with absolute concrete proof, and even then they usually don't tell you the whole story at first. The truth generally comes out in dribs and drabs, a little bit at a time.

I definitely agree that there need to be boundaries. We have to have clear boundaries as to what we will or will not tolerate in our marriages or in our LIVES, and our partner does need to respect those boundaries. If they don't, and they step over them, there generally have to be consequences for them that we will follow through with. Otherwise, what is the motivation for them to not do it again?

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I think the main question is, is this something that you want in your life, or can even tolerate in your life? The answer to that is what will likely point the way for you on what you want to do next.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and hope you will keep posting. There is a lot of help and support available here, from people who know how you're feeling.

((HUGS))

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 12:18am
Even if this were a "one way" kind of thing and she sent HIM porn and he had done nothing at all, that porn alone should put a permanent end to his association with her in any way, shape or form.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 8:39am

Well as mentioned I basically know

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 8:54am

I have tried to explain just what you are telling me to him about the different forms of cheating in a nutshell being based on what your SO is uncomfortable with but of course he tries to justify every thing he does, and has done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 8:55am
And no, I don't want to live my life like this forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 9:03am
You would think he would be trying to talk through this, prove to me otherwise but he hasn't. Never does. It's almost as if he doesn't feel he has to exert any addt'l effort because I am going to think what I want to think anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 1:33pm
So ask him WHY he locks his phone and his computer. That alone would make me suspicious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 1:35pm

Hi Jnoise,


Well, people who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 2:52pm

My H sounds so much like yours.

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