How much should you know?
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|Thu, 02-04-2010 - 6:45pm|
Haven't been here for awhile,and this is going to be long so please bear with me, still riding the roller coaster but there seems to be more good days than bad. "Seems" is the operative word here. I've been doing the 180, but that is getting harder and harder to keep up. First - why, it he is the one who has done all the damage to this M am I the one to "pretend" that everything is ok. It is so hard to keep a "happy" face on. We are in month 4 of working on things, we both go to individual counseling, I had asked him at the end of November to start couples, he said ok he would make the the call. He did not. I asked him again in December about 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas, he said he didn't want to fight during the holidays. I asked him again a two weeks ago, yet another excuse, I am recovering from major surgery from an accident on Labor day weekend, so he now puts the blame on the mounting medical bills and that we would not be able to afford both of our seperate sessions as well as couples. I had to remind him that there didn't seem to any problems when he was spending our money to fly down to her, and pay for airfare, hotels and car rental. I asked him if he thought I wasn't worth the cost. So he goes to his sessions, and everything is fine as long as I don't bring up the A. As long as he doesn't see the hurt in my eyes, or the depression I feel all the time. He says he is trying, but that I don't give him enough credit, nothing he does is good enough. But the things he does don't seem to be enough, or in the right vein.
My problem is he does not speak to me with any sexual overtures as he did in the past, and as he did to her ( I overheard a conversation and saw test messages he sent) he has no answer. Two night ago I brought this up again He said I just told you the other day you looked cute when you came home from work. My reply, I looked cute, but you constantly told her how hot she was.
So we have the issue of moving past the hurt still.
My biggest things beyond all the flashbacks and triggers of thinking of them together (sex (though it has been few and far between) is very difficult to keep images out my mind) the biggest thing I am having difficulty with now is the unknown.
He gave her all information about me, she had access to all of our family photos from vacations, cruises, christmas, birthday etc. my fears, my health, my weaknesses He even told her what we where doing to work on our marriage - that was the last conversation he with her per him. I threw him out that day for still having contact.
But I know nothing about her other than what state she lives in and what she does for a living and that they were high school sweethearts - she dumped him when he went into the service.
Sometimes I am obsessed with wanting to know what she looks like, is she taller than me, heavier, thinner, what color is her hair. Is it long or short, does she look younger than I do.
Have any of you, or are any of you going through this. I am afraid if I get the answers then it will be even harder to keep the images at bay.
When my H and I are together things seem fine. But if he even leaves the room I start to think - is he texting her, does he still talk to her during the day while I'm at work. I can't check his cell or work phones (he works from home) because they are company lines and no bills or statements come to the house. I have only his word - and as I'm sure many of you feel, that means nothing to me right now. He lied so much and was so good at being devious to hide his A that I wonder if he has only gotten better. He says that he is keeping everything in the open. He has offered to switch cell phones with me so that I could check the bills when they come in.
When we are together I feel sure that I want to stay in the M, but in the dark of the night, while we are lying in bed and he is asleep and I am awake as I have been most nights since D-day, and then again when I am alone or at work or anywhere he is not. I think maybe I should leave. It doesn't feel the same, the connection between us no longer seems to be there.
He has not done anything to make me feel like he is still with her. He repeatly tells me that he is sorry and that it was a horrible horrible thing that he did. He wants our marriage and our family. But his actions seem different - there doesn't seem to be any passion or excitement.
Is this just a defense mechanism on my end to keep him at bay for fear of getting hurt again. Catching him twice in an 8 month time frame was enough, if it happens again there is no going back.
So my questions are, why am I doing the 180, shouldn't he be convincing me that I want to be here with him.
Should I ask to see pictures or know what she looks like and why would he choose her over me even if for only that short time.
Will it make things worse to know more or would it put some demons to rest?
I'm so confused sometimes I just want to go away were no one knows me and start a whole new life.