How to start over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
How to start over?
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 11:44pm

Everything I once knew is gone,

Everything I counted on was never real,

Was she everything?

Was she worth it?

As I look into my toddlers eyes,

Was she worth it?

I try to hold the shard's of broken glass,

Shattered dreams,

Cutting into my souls of souls,

Trying to crawl inch by inch,

Breath by breath

When will the pain end?

Confused and lost,

Sick of grasping at nonexistent trust,

I hope she was worth it,

She better have been worth it,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 3:11am
Your words brought tears to my eyes and then I let several fall. I am so very sorry for your pain. I think you explained perfectly with heartfelt emotion what so many of us feel like yet cant quite articulate. The kids- they are at the center of it all aren't they? So innocent, full of trust, faith in us to protect them, keep them safe, guide them thru this crazy world. It is a blow to learn that we were not thought of, the kids not thought of at all. The affair was an "it's all about me" scenario. They just didn't learn that "me" doesn't equate to a marriage and it has no room in being a parent. I hope that your husband learns that to sacrifice himself for your little toddler will give him more validation, attention and love than he ever thought possible. And if he does that WITH you, he will realize she definitely WASN'T worth it. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 4:44am
Hello Still Standing, Thank you for your kind words. My biggest issue is not only trust but pride. The many lies that where told from a emotional affair to a physical one. My first instinct is to leave, i know it is the easy way out. But I feel as I am being hypocritical I would never think in a million years this could have been me. If I had to give advise to a friend it would be not to walk but to run away. I realize now that would be selfish for my daughters sake so we are going to try counseling. It just seems that he apologized and sleeps like a baby like nothing happened. It is over for him he agreed to counseling and he is sorry so his life seems pretty much back to normal. I hate not to trust so now I have to babysit no more private anything I have all pass codes. No more overnight sales meetings, concerts or any other activity for customers without me present. It is kind of sad to resort to being a babysitter. The bottom line is if there is a will there is way no matter how much I am watching. But it makes me feel a little better. It just seems his life after a few bad days is pretty much back to normal, while I lie awake at night and can think of nothing else....... I guess one day at a time. It just doesn't seem fair.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 10:14pm

IF...........he truly ends it, and is committed, you will learn to trust again.

The problem will always be there.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 12:26pm
I totally understand how u are feeling. I feel the same way. Things seem back to normal for him, but for me the pain is there and hits me almost every hour, the images and thoughts of him with her are always there, the fear that he doesn't love me, the fear that he will hurt me again, the fear of being alone, the fear for my kids if things don't work out, the insecurities this has made me feel about myself, I could go on. But for him life goes on, he had his moments of fun, his selfish acts, but he still has his family and he sleeps like nothing bothers him, lives life like nothing happened. While I feel like I am just going thru the motions, trying to take it day by day and push past the pain and anger I feel.