Husband of a cheating wife needs advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2011
Husband of a cheating wife needs advice
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 8:09am

Hey everyone. I've been married for almost 7 years but we've been separated for the last 15 months because my wife has been having an affair with a guy who used to be my best friend. I started noticing a couple years ago that she had feelings for him because every time I would mention his name she would start acting funny. Then I started checking our phone records and noticed that she would text him the entire time I was at work and then as soon as I got home she would stop texting him. Last January we got into a huge argument because I thought she had already been having an affair with him and I punched a hole in our bedroom wall and told her to get out and so she left and has been living with her mom for the last 15 months. About a week after she moved into her mom's place she actually started having the affair with this guy. She went over to his house to play poker with his family or something and she ended up being there almost all night making out with him. I found out a couple weeks later and everyone attacked the guy with text messages and my wife still said she wouldn't stop talking to him. But then the pressure got to her and on valentines day last year she told him she couldn't see him anymore and that she needed to fix our marriage. Well that lasted 3 days before she started talking to him again. I caught them sitting in his car together a few weeks later and she told me she doesn't know what to do because she's in love with him. So over the next couple months she had both of us trying to convince her to do what we wanted. At the end of April she again told him she needed to stop seeing him and work on our marriage. Well in September she started talking to him again and they saw eachother a couple times. He eventually got sick of waiting around for her and started dating someone else. My wife was so devastated that her "boyfriend" was seeing someone else that she ended up in the hospital. Another couple months went by and right before christmas I tried calling my wife one night to let our son talk to her on the phone and couldn't get an answer. I found out that she had slept over at his house and that they had been having sex. I told her I wanted a divorce and she agreed. Then she started begging him to break up with his girlfriend so they could be together and he agreed to do it. So from January this year all the way up to a couple weeks ago they have been seeing eachother and having sex regularly but now she's questioning whether going through the divorce is the right thing and she's considering trying to fix things with me again. She still admits that she's in love with him and wants to be with him but that she doesn't know if she can handle not having the kids all the time. He told her he doesn't want to be involved with her anymore until she knows what she's doing so I don't think they're even talking right now but she still won't just let him go and fix things with me. I don't know why I even want to fix things with her after her sleeping with this guy so many times and even admitting she wants to be with him. Now she's planning on going to school so she can support the kids by herself so that kind of makes it sound like she's never planning on being with me again. She tells this guy she wants him but that divorce is hard and she doesn't know if she can do it but I really think the only reason it's hard for her is because of the kids. So basically I just need some help deciding what to do. Even if she does end up deciding to dump him again and try to fix things with me could it even work? Our marriage is already so damaged because of this that I don't know if it even can be fixed even if she decides to try. The other times she dumped him to work on our marriage we kinda tried counseling and stuff but we never made any progress and now that she's been having sex with him for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Tue, 05-03-2011 - 9:45pm
Dear Penguinsrcute, I would suggest to you that losing the attention of the other man is devastating to her. Now she is stuck. The fun is over and now she is hoping to run back to that which is safe (ie you and family). The ball is in your court. It is devastating to lose the one we thought we knew and we mourn for that person, even when we are confronted with the awful reality of who they really are. Try to realize this woman is desperate, needy, lacks self-confidence, and is disloyal. It is understandable to feel pity as well as anger. I believe you deserve better, and believe me there are so many good women out there that are good, decent, kind, and loyal. I think that one of the biggest reasons we fear separation is that we believe we will never find another "soul mate". Put yourself out there. Give life a chance. Best wishes to you and your family. Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 6:26pm

Hello. I am sorry that you are apart of this mess as well. As a betrayed spouse I can only offer my opinion on the experience; I think that you need to sit down and really think about what you want in life. I am in the "seperation" part of my marriage right now although this is the third time my husband has cheated on me. I believed in all of the nonsense that he really wanted to be in this marriage. Now I am learning the cold-hard truth; If the person who cheated is not 100% sure that they want to get back with you, 100% there in making the relationship work, and 100% respectful to your feelings, then it just is not worth fighting for anymore. Its as if both of you wanted to be a lion tamer and had each others back, but now you are in there alone with the lion getting ripped to shreds. You deserve better than that.

I just finsihed a really good book; On Your Own Again and literally read it in 3 days. It was that good. It showed alot of the problems that were in my marriage and may help you.

Tiffany Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2011
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 10:42am
It's time for you to plant your feet and make a decision to start moving forward!! Stop letting her make YOUR life choices!! It will hurt like he'll and there will be some dark days- but I'm a firm believer that we weren't meant to be miserable our entire lives!! I'm 7 mos out from a divorce from a man who couldn't be faithful and I still have horrible days and sleepless nights because I have dreams that we r together and happy again- I do have trust issues but I'm finding a whole new relationship with my kids and learning to find my feet!! Don't leave YOUR fate in the hands of an adulterous woman!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 9:20am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 2:56pm

Any marriage can be fixed. If BOTH want it fixed. Both have to realize the mistakes that have been made, and want to fix them.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.