Husband friends with younger female

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Husband friends with younger female
5
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 9:16am

This is gonna be kinda long but I dont know what to do and need advice.

My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs and have 4 children. He has always made friends very easily...male and female. Im will admit I tend to be jeleous when he meets a new female friend but he is military so they are usually females he works with and I have met them and have become my friends as well.Untill now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 10:41am

(((mmagkjscott)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 4:28pm
Mmagkjscott- hello there!

One of the biggest things I learned from my own experience is that my husband never put appropriate boundaries in place after we committed to each other. He saw nothing wrong with taking a single or married women out to lunch- it was work related. Nothing wrong with texting or emailing females- work related. Or communicating with a friend wife. He had a valid reason for the communication. I had so much faith that he wouldn't cheat that I didn't care that he was doing this, never checked his phone or anything. The kicker is, I have never done anything remotely similar. I don't ever want to give anyone the impression that I am less than married. I do not flirt. If a man flirts with me I have always made a comment about my husband immediately after to close that door so that there is no question. My naïveté made me vulnerable to my husbands affair. Her knew I trusted him and he abused it and took it for granted.

One of the other things I learned is that I know right from wrong. I know what I feel comfortable with and what I don't. I know what I want from my husband. I know that I do not expect more from him than what I am willing to do myself. I know that I am honest and loyal and have great respect and pride in our family and our family name. I do not want to ever bring shame or dishonor to my home. In order to get all that, I had to tell him what I wanted, expected and deserved. My list at that point was non-negotiable. He had lived in a marriage freely, selfishly. In order to stay married that had to stop. Because the alternative was divorce. Many many times he would try to push it- revert back to his old attitude- his old ways of manipulation- belittling me and yelling. I'd just get up and calmly walk away. He seemed to think I was just going to take it, but I told him NO, not anymore. The ball stopped there. He could either walk with me or out the door.

Like Ollie said, fear is paralyzingly. After betrayel your emotions run the gamet. When you feel sad, vulnerable and scared, probably not the best time to make decisions. But many of us also felt anger, and that rush of adrenaline helped me to put my plans in motion.

I couldn't even begin to plan until I saw a lawyer. I didn't know how I was going to live or where if I could provide well enough for my boys. An attorney tells you what your legal rights are, what you are entitled to. Once I knew all that I felt more comfortable with what I needed to do. I didn't see the attorney to initiate a divorce, but I did want information about how it would all play out should I need to take that step.

I wish you luck. Your intuition is there for a purpose. Don't let his manipulations try to sway you from what you know to be true. You can trust in that.

Please keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 4:25am

To our poster, this is crazy making stuff and it puts so many doubts in your mind.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 01-31-2012 - 1:46am
You're not overreacting, you're UNDERreacting. I don't want to bum you out, but your husband is lying his a$$ off to you. He's carrying on with her. Is he sleeping with her? Not enough information to say at this point, but he's definitely heading in that direction. You need to nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW. Don't let him guilt trip you about snooping. That's just his way of diverting the attention elsewhere. Don't let him do it. Who cares if he gets mad? It's not about him.

As for what a 32 year old man and 18 year old girl have in common? Probably not a whole lot, but that doesn't stop these kinds of things. My sister's 47 year old husband left her for a 19 year old....and they have 4 kids! Do what you have to do to save your marriage now because it's on a collision course. Don't let this woman ruin what you have. Or should I say child? Either way....fight for your marriage.

One other thing....get a life of your own. Don't be so dependent upon a man that you don't have choices.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2012
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 11:27am

I had something similar happen to me this weekend. (this is my first time here by the way). My husband and I have been married for 13 years this Valentines day. We're in our late 50's, and it's not our first marriage. I thought we were happy and even though we've had our ups and downs, thought I could trust the man totally. He's gone a lot, since he works all day, plus is a volunteer fireman. He works with women in both jobs, so it's not uncommon for him to be around women all the time. Anyway, over the last few months, he's been acting different, and I put it off to mid life crisis. He lost a lot of weight (we both have) and bought a motorcycle too. Last Thursday I woke up late at