Husbands Affair with girl daughters age

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2009
Husbands Affair with girl daughters age
6
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 2:25am

After 31 years I found out my husband is having an affair .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 8:13am

You can't save him. You can't make him get treatment. You can't make him love you like you want to be loved. You can't make him be the person you want him to be. All you can go on is who he is right now and right now he is torturing you with this back and forth, which BTW is what so many WS do. It is a way for them to keep you hooked to keep you hoping so that they can have both of you.

It is time to step out of the dance. The next time he wants another chance, tell him that he speaks from both sides of his mouth and you don't know what to believe. The only thing you can believe from now on is his actions. So, stop talking to him about anything but necessary things like money matters, divorce details or kid emergencies. If he comes over, don't let him in the door. Disengage from him. Don't ever get physical with him. He has left you and told and shown you he doesn't want to be with you. Let the reality of that decision hit him like a brick wall. Decide what you need from him in order to give him another chance. My list would include therapy, NC with the OW, no longer putting the kids in the middle, complete transparency and him showing you on a constant basis why he is worthy of your time.

I would also talk to your kids and ask them not to speak for you to him. It isn't up to them to get you back together. I would also tell them that you don't want to talk about him anymore. They need to get out of the middle of this. All of you should start moving on as if the M is dead and buried.

By doing this, there is the possibility that the M actually will be dead and buried. But, given the life you are leading now, the uncertainty, the lies, the demeaning treatment, the torture, isn't getting out of the M preferable to continuing in this way? There is the equal possibility that he will get help and become the "real" person.

BTW, don't blame the potential bi-polar for his choices. My DH was on personality altering prescription drugs when he had his EA. It was easy to blame the drugs and actually helped for a while, but eventually we both had to face the fact that whatever the circumstances, DH made the decisions he did knowing the consequences and as we looked a little closer, the decision to have an EA was not surprising given some of his deep and abiding issues. He has since worked on those issues and on he coping strategies. I am confident that if he faced a similar situation that he would make different choices. Otherwise I would not be with him.

There are plenty of bi-polar people out there who choose not to have an A, and I wouldn't count on that diagnosis until he is sees a professional. Right now, all you have to go on is his reprehensible behavior and that is what you have to act on as difficult as that is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 5:49pm
Well carpender,
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 1:04pm
If he leaves you for her, I'll give him four more years of LIFE before something happens that ends i, for good. Probably will be a younger guy she stars seeing behind his back.
It happened to my dad who ended up with a girl ten months younger than me when I was 17.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 6:48pm

i have been married for a little over 32 years now to a serial cheater.

he put it into full throttle in his late 50's - VIAGRA!!!! HIS DRUG OF CHOICE. all of a sudden he was filled with this new youths. seeing young women in their 30's, however in my h case he was paying for most of them, in one way or another.

i can not advise you what to do - as we must all find our own way. i will caution you - he has shown you who and what he is - BELIEVE HIM. the bi polar crap, nonsense. too many excuses. he knows wrong from right - didn't he raise his children to know lifes values? i am sure the both of you did. mental illness does not turn one into a cheating old fart, his choices did.

have you read the 180?, if nothing else start practicing the guidelines within that list.

please know, you have a life to live. do you get that????? do not wait on him to live it - even if you choose to stay - live your life.

regarding your children - mine, totally devastated especially the youngest. to make matters worse he fathered an illegitimate daughter that he abandoned. i live in san diego, yes, a big city, but not that dam* big - sooner or later one of these days one of them is going to run into her. we have a very unusual last name, i mean very unusual. how sad is that - the legacy he is leaving behind for his children to remember him by.

now is the time to focus on you - it will give you strength. i just had some dark streaks put into my hair - you go girl!!!!! ha ha

we are here for you.

i have been where you are, i know i know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 9:20pm

Hi Plan,


Girl you give the best dang advice!

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 10:33pm
what a very nice thing to say - thank you