I am 8months pregnant and just found out about the affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
I am 8months pregnant and just found out about the affair
8
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 8:27pm

I just found out my husband was having an affair with another married woman from his job. We have been together for 10 years and have

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008

I am so so sorry you have to be "here" but keep posting in as you will find much needed support and understanding. The weekends here are slow but I am sure others will chime in.

Please know that you have suffered a trauma that to many of us feels like a the pain of losing a loved one. You will most likely go through the five stages of grief (google it). It took me months and months to even begin to feel slightly normal again and that was without babies to care for. So give yourself time and know that you do not have to make any decisions right now.

Also, I see that you think you are to blame for his actions. NO NO NO, he chose the path of escaping his real life with the feel goods of an OW.

There are a couple books that many recommend, after the affair and not just friends. A website I liked was marriagebuilders.com.

Make sure to get into IC as well as MC and always listen to your gut. Many affairs just go more underground after dday#1 and I surely hope your H will get it the first time around.

This is just so hard and I hope you will find some time and ways for healing you soul.

Personal message me if you like, I have been through two ddays and learned lots and lots by being on this board for far too long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Hi- take everything day by day, minute by minute. It will take a while before you can function without the sense of rage, sadness or what could I have done differently. As the PP said, this betrayal is not your fault. He's an adult and if he didn't like your attitude could have said something or seeked a better way to handle it. First, you need to take care of you and the unborn baby. I know its hard but its important. The "movie" of the affait that plays over and over in your head can be a torment. I think all BS do it. It can be maddening. If you are working on rebuilding, most people make ground rules to gain back trust (full access to internet, cellphone, blackberry, etc). Your H will need to understand why he went down the A path. Without him knowing, how can he make you comfortable that he won't do it again.

The whole process takes time, unfortunately. My X told me about his A after I had my DD but it did go on while I was preggo (don't know why he had the need to tell me that!). A friend I met on this board also was cheated on while she was preggo. It is another whammy on top of the A, one of the lowest lows!! If you've had sexual relations while he was in his A, please get tested for STDs. Either way, he needs to get tested.

I am almost 2 yrs out from D-day and about 4 mths out from divorce (he's still with skank and the 3 of us worked togetheribut they got fired-karma!). I don't have that crazy rage anymore. No more "go drive into a tree comments" after he visits the kids :o At some point, there is acceptance of the situation (at least for me). Since he wanted a D, I think my emotions had a different path than if we rebuilt. I had no option other than to move forward without him in the picture. When you rebuild, it can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Several BS on this board have successfully rebuilt and say they are better now than ever. I wish you luck. I totally feel for you and that discovery feeling. It is the worst. No one can understand that rage until you live it :(
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

I'm so very sorry. I can remember what I was like at 2 weeks and I was a mess. I'm very worried for you as I lost 35 lbs right after I found out. Your baby needs a healthy mom. I would try and really focus on yourself and staying healthy for now. Things with your husband will play out in time. It is important for you to know that none of this is your fault. Don't listen to anything he says that might go in that direction. Everyone has healthy opportunities to deal with their problems. An affair is the worst option. That is all on him, not you.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Focus on you right now, you're going to have a baby very soon now.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2011

I'm so sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2011
I'm sorry you are going thru this. I'm in a similar situation. My H confessed his affair when I was 7 mths preggo. The A lasted 3 mths and was over 2mths before he confesed. There is no way to sugar coat it. It's just like my therapist said. This is the worst thing you will go through next to losing a child. One thing that did help me get my brain on a little was a book, "My husbands affair was the best thing that ever happened to me", by Anne Bercht. Although the title is very debatable, it tells the story of her husbands affair and how she chose to deal with it. I desperately needed to know that there were people out there that had gone through this and came out with a better marriage than they started with. It gave me some positive insight when there was nothing positive inside of me. they also have a website with help things on it like what to do in the first six months, etc. You can google Anne Bercht and get all the info. IC is a must and MC. I wish I had a magic ball of wisdom that revealed the secrets to making everything better. But I haven't had that yet. I have smiled again and I have laughed again. Those are two things that I didn't think I would ever do again. It took a while. It's been 9 mths now and I still am on a roller coaster. Being pregnant with his child during the A ( We didn't know I was preg at first, but he still continued to see her after finding out) was and is a big hurtle for me. my prayers are with you. I'm glad you found this group early on. I just found it today. Try not to pay attention to the time frames that people post on here. Just because it took a few forever to recover doesn't mean it will take you that long. Don't let that bog you down. One more thing, when you start journaling, be sure to journal the good too, not just the bad. It will help you keep things in perspective when you read back through it. "If God brought us to it, He will bring us through it"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2011
1st off don't blame yourself for his selfish decision.

It may have been you were picking up bad vibes from him the gut is always right.

He should be having you on a pedestal while carrying his child and that is such a precious gift.

I know about the sleeping part its hard enough near the end of a pregnancy and adding stress on top of it and I as well have not slept well in 3 days and I'm not pregnant and even took ambien and the stress prevented it from working.

I'm glad you are trying to work it out but the pain is going to stab at you when you think about it that is for sure.

I'm also glad her husband knows about this as well because I just think cheating is so wrong either you in a relationship or your not there is no in between.

soft gentle hugs to you and losing that much in a week is not good esp with you being pregnant....just try small meals or bites of food here and there.

I'm not eating well either and I don't need to lose any weight so I relate to that knot in the stomach that just doesn't seem to go away and let us feel hunger for food.

You may be able to move on but you best tell him to be prepared for lack of trust issues...because trust is earned

I know for me I don't have children with mine so I'm not staying in the relationship with him and told him to forget I exist.

I'm a widow and so was the man who has been living with me for 4 years and even discussed marriage