I am lost in a sea of lies and distrust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
I am lost in a sea of lies and distrust.
9
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 7:11am

I caught my husband in a bunch of lies and found physical proof (pictures) of his cheating. But he refused to stop talking to the OW claiming that they are friends and he stayed in contact with her. So I started the paperwork to leave. (We are military stationed in Germany so we have to get paperwork signed and approved for the military to send us back to the states. It has been a very long process and very tiring.) I am taking our daughter and we are going to move in with family. I am also 5 months pregnant and will have to stay married just to keep our insurance until this baby is born. He has still been spending time with her and staying over at her house. I knew things were still going on, but I had no proof and every time I said something he would deny and say that I am assuming things. Just the other day I went through his camera (that he kept next to his bed while he slept) and found the proof (More naked pictures and even a video) which he couldn't deny anymore. Then he finally came clean which I am not sure if I believe him about it. He lied for so long that I don't trust anything. He still continues to talk to her and he still is being "friends" with her but he says he set ground rules now. I don't trust him at all and I know that once my daughter and I are gone he will just go crazy and go back to partying and sleeping around. I didn't think it could hurt again after the last pictures. But the fact that I found a video and that I am absolutely disgusted by him. I look at him and I feel dirty because he was trying to make things work with us (sorta) and sleep with me while he was out screwing around still. I feel physically and emotionally dirty. I can't even stand it when he says I love you. Because how can you love someone and still hurt them and continually cheat on them. I try to tell him to move out and leave but he says he won't because despite what I think he says he loves us and loves to be around us. Yet he has to "get a break" and go out partying and sleep over at her house.

I don't want to be that woman who takes her husband back and he continually cheats but says he is sorry yet still does it. That is not love. My children and I deserve better. My children deserve a father not a sperm donor who comes and goes as he pleases. I keep thinking that once we are gone he will get a taste of what life is really like. I fell like I need to give him one more chance for our children, but that is only when he is ready to prove to me that he really wants me and the children. At the same time I don't know if I want him back. If he can do this to me continually and lie to me about it until I find proof how can I take him back. Also I don't want to be his last resort. His back up when he is done fooling around. I am so lost and confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 7:58am

Are you new here? If so, welcome.


I feel for what you are going through! It sounds like you have

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 7:58am
You say you are lost and confused but I think you've figured it out very well.
Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 8:00am

There is no second chance, or the opportunity for one, when he is still seeing her. The only way you could possibly offer him a second chance is if he cut off all contact with her. Since that is not happening your second chance would consist of you hanging around for him to sleep with, and spend time with, her instead of you an your child. That is not a second chance, that is you being treated badly voluntarily.

If he ever cuts off contact and starts counseling you could consider a second chance, but I would not hold my breath if I were you. Very sorry this is happening to you.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 10:51am
I second what Tobermory said and back it up with personal experience. Without verifiable NC there is zero chance of rebuilding. End of story. That's hard to face but it's harder to live with months of knowing you gave your S another chance and they're using it to continue living in two worlds.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 12:59pm

Emmaleesmommee, I am so sorry that you have to be here but you will find yourself in good company and you will find a wealth of information and lots of advice. Take the advice that you can apply to your situation and leave the rest.


It sounds like he is riding the proverbial fence. If you are stuck overseas for a while then you might try the doing the things on the 180 list. It helps you become confident and stronger as you move forward.


No Contact is the first rule to rebuilding and if he is not willing to go no contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 3:07pm

emmaleesmommee - I want to say very clearly, as a former OW, being "friends" with "ground rules" is a joke.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 3:13pm
I want to thank everyone for their help and input on my situation. I agree that he should cut all ties with her and when I first found out that was one of my reactions. I guess I got to a point that I was tired of fighting and trying when I knew he wasn't. Like I have always been told, actions speak louder than words. I just can't do anything until we are gone and I don't have to listen to his lies anymore. I appreciate all the help and if he comes around and wants to try to fix our marriage I will use these ideas. I agree that he should be in it 100% and I know that he isn't. I am pretty much waiting to hear from the military on when they will send us back to the states. I hate waiting and not knowing anything while he is out screwing around behind my back but yet right in my face. Yet it hurts that there is nothing that I can do right now except my day to day things and just ignore him. I again appreciate everyone's advice and support through all this mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 3:22pm
Thank you for that. One of his many problems is that he is an alcoholic and when you said that it made me laugh. He thinks the best way to stop drinking, and I guess with this affair as well, is to slowly wean yourself off the addiction. I know he knows better and I know better. Thank you for that little laugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 4:05pm

I have bumped up the 180 list for you to read. It is in the support group section.


Best of Luck!


FiveDiamondWife