I am lost in a sea of lies and distrust.
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|Fri, 07-24-2009 - 7:11am|
I caught my husband in a bunch of lies and found physical proof (pictures) of his cheating. But he refused to stop talking to the OW claiming that they are friends and he stayed in contact with her. So I started the paperwork to leave. (We are military stationed in Germany so we have to get paperwork signed and approved for the military to send us back to the states. It has been a very long process and very tiring.) I am taking our daughter and we are going to move in with family. I am also 5 months pregnant and will have to stay married just to keep our insurance until this baby is born. He has still been spending time with her and staying over at her house. I knew things were still going on, but I had no proof and every time I said something he would deny and say that I am assuming things. Just the other day I went through his camera (that he kept next to his bed while he slept) and found the proof (More naked pictures and even a video) which he couldn't deny anymore. Then he finally came clean which I am not sure if I believe him about it. He lied for so long that I don't trust anything. He still continues to talk to her and he still is being "friends" with her but he says he set ground rules now. I don't trust him at all and I know that once my daughter and I are gone he will just go crazy and go back to partying and sleeping around. I didn't think it could hurt again after the last pictures. But the fact that I found a video and that I am absolutely disgusted by him. I look at him and I feel dirty because he was trying to make things work with us (sorta) and sleep with me while he was out screwing around still. I feel physically and emotionally dirty. I can't even stand it when he says I love you. Because how can you love someone and still hurt them and continually cheat on them. I try to tell him to move out and leave but he says he won't because despite what I think he says he loves us and loves to be around us. Yet he has to "get a break" and go out partying and sleep over at her house.
I don't want to be that woman who takes her husband back and he continually cheats but says he is sorry yet still does it. That is not love. My children and I deserve better. My children deserve a father not a sperm donor who comes and goes as he pleases. I keep thinking that once we are gone he will get a taste of what life is really like. I fell like I need to give him one more chance for our children, but that is only when he is ready to prove to me that he really wants me and the children. At the same time I don't know if I want him back. If he can do this to me continually and lie to me about it until I find proof how can I take him back. Also I don't want to be his last resort. His back up when he is done fooling around. I am so lost and confused.