I am my biggest obstacle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
I am my biggest obstacle
Sun, 06-03-2012 - 1:48am

I have started this post over about ten times now. I keep feeling like I need to share all the details so you will understand my pain because my story could pass as soap opera drama. Maybe it isn't necessary, so here wher I am.

I found my husband having an affair with a coworker. It has been 6 months since Dday, 4 months since he was with her and almost 3 months since he officially ended it and asked her to never contact him. We decided to try and reconcile, me mainly for our 4 children, even though I DO still love him.

He is repentant and right now my biggest obstacle is myself. I am so broken I do not know what to do. I have so many triggers and hurt so bad. He is currently unemployed so we can not afford marriage much less individual counseling. So here I am looking for free support.

Some days I can't bear to be next to him but being away from him hurts too. I don't even know how I feel. Sad, angry, insecure, afraid. Sometimes things are great and sometimes I feel like just kicking his ass and walking out. I can cry at a moments notice if I allow myself to think about it and I just don't know if I can do this. We have talked about it and I don't know what could have been left out. Still I can't help feeling like a huge IDIOT for ignoring what I felt and believing his lies, and feeling like I am still being lied to. Some days I drive myself to crazy and am afraid I could fall into a depression or something. I am afraid I am never going to be able to heal from this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 8:10pm
Hi, so happy but yet sad to finally see a post I can relate to. I struggle almost every day with insecurities that stem from my DH's infidelity., and it has been about 6 years ago. He loves me, and I love him but I doubt myself all the time. I finally decided to focus on just me, I work out I go out with my friends, and I stopped checking up on him.... Well almost. I don't know if you ever really recover, but when you feel strong, you don't hurt as much. I hope this makes sense, and is helpful.