I am my biggest obstacle
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|Sun, 06-03-2012 - 1:48am|
I have started this post over about ten times now. I keep feeling like I need to share all the details so you will understand my pain because my story could pass as soap opera drama. Maybe it isn't necessary, so here wher I am.
I found my husband having an affair with a coworker. It has been 6 months since Dday, 4 months since he was with her and almost 3 months since he officially ended it and asked her to never contact him. We decided to try and reconcile, me mainly for our 4 children, even though I DO still love him.
He is repentant and right now my biggest obstacle is myself. I am so broken I do not know what to do. I have so many triggers and hurt so bad. He is currently unemployed so we can not afford marriage much less individual counseling. So here I am looking for free support.
Some days I can't bear to be next to him but being away from him hurts too. I don't even know how I feel. Sad, angry, insecure, afraid. Sometimes things are great and sometimes I feel like just kicking his ass and walking out. I can cry at a moments notice if I allow myself to think about it and I just don't know if I can do this. We have talked about it and I don't know what could have been left out. Still I can't help feeling like a huge IDIOT for ignoring what I felt and believing his lies, and feeling like I am still being lied to. Some days I drive myself to crazy and am afraid I could fall into a depression or something. I am afraid I am never going to be able to heal from this.