I am out of words...
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|Wed, 08-05-2009 - 1:48pm|
We had been doing really good. I'd gone for a while without thinking about it too much. We had a great weekend and then Monday came around and he was on his rampage again. One minute he was in a bad mood, then the next he was sending text about how much he loved me. So I called him and we were laughing about our horrible spanish speaking skills. Then after work I call him and he's in a mood again. I get home and he's just angry and ranting and raving about all sorts of stuff. None of it pertaining to us. YET!
Then he starts in on how I don't talk to him. How i've changed so much even before he cheated. This is always an arguement. That I am quiet and that i'm silent when he argues. That I never tell him anything about how i feel. HOw when we first met I was always talking and now I never have anything to say. So he's going on about it and one thing leads to another and it's a full on blow-up which of course turns into him wanting to leave and me telling him to go ahead. So I end up leaving to the store for about two hours and he's gone when I get back and he smashed our picture of us together and left glass everywhere. Smashed the two hundred dollar watch I bought him last year. Just on a rampage.
So he gets back and im locked in the room watching tv and he comes in demanding I hand over the flash drive where I saved his messages with that other person. I said no that it was mine to delete when I was ready and he said it was his conversation that I had no business reading. So of course that blew me up and we start arguing and he wouldn't let me leave until I gave it to him. Finally I threw the flash drives at him and he was going to delete them. When I got up to leave he pushed me twice back onto the bed and said I wasn't going anywhere until we talked. Then I got even more mad that he pushed me so I grabbed my phone and he took it from me and threw it against the wall smashing it.
That did it for me. He had the nerve to say, "why are you making me be this way. you know this isn't me why can't you just talk to me." I told him to do what he had to do and to get out. I kept yelling at him to get out and finally he did. Then later he came back knocking on the door saying please can we just talk please please please that's all I heard from him. When I finally opened the door I told him I wanted him to get out and leave me alone that we were done that I was done that I could not do it anymore. I told him I was tired of being the go to girl. The roommate. The one that always has his back when he's out there cheating on me with that person. He said that he had nobody else that he doesn't know anybody else or want anybody else that all he wants is for me to talk to him and to be open with him.
I am just tired of it. Even if I understood what he wanted, him pushing me and then asking why I have to bring it to this level just did it for me. I love him to death, God knows I do, but what do I do? Continue being the punching bag for when he's mad at the world? Continue taking insults because he has nobody else to throw insults at? Today he called saying he knows we can work it out, but that he also knows I have my mind made up and he will start looking for another place today. I told him I didn't know what to tell him anymore and he said okay and we said bye. My heart is breaking and I have a huge lump in my throat, but I really don't know what to do. It's not the first time he's pushed me and it's not the second time and if I stay it won't be the last because he has such a bad temper. He doesn't realize that when he's angry at whatever, he always takes it out on me because he doesn't know what to do with his anger.
I don't want to be that girl. When I found out he cheated, things were supposed to change and I didn't see any changes. If I stay again, I know I won't see any changes. What if there wasn't a bed there to catch my fall? What if I didn't know the smashed glass everywhere? It's all in his anger and he doesn't want to change that and who knows what can happen if he gets even more angry next time. What do I do? I love him tremendously, but I don't know any other choice. I am so lost and so destroyed right now. I want to do what I always do and be mad for a couple of days and then start talking, but then i'll just be going in cirlces again. Help please!