i can hardly breathe...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
i can hardly breathe...
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 4:41pm

i need help. i am terrible at asking for it, but i need it now. i'm okay for a little while and then i lose it. then i'm okay again. my world has been turned upside down. please help me. and please forgive the bluntness of what you're about to read. i'm way over sugar coating things and there is really no polite way to say it. i found out this past sunday that my H has been having an affair.

my husband has been having an affair with his ex girlfriend, ashley (mother of his two other children) since i was pregnant with my now 5 month old daughter. apparently i wasn't doing my wifely duty enough. i had a miscarriage in november of 07, got pregnant with my dd march/april of 08 (got married in april 08) and my sex drive was minimal but it was because i was being extra cautious worrying about another miscarriage. apparently he couldn't understand that, even tho i told him my fears. this was the first time he cheated on me. while i was pregnant with his daughter. if that isn't a sacred time in a couple's life, then what is?

my area had a huge ice storm back at the end of january, we lost power for weeks, a state of emergency was filed for our town. well during the ice storm H sent me and DD to tennessee to be with friends with heat, power, etc. we had been staying with his mother because she had a kerosene heater and generator. while i was in tennessee, he called and said ashley was bringing the kids over because they needed baths and they didn't have power, hot water, anything. this is where i'm a nice person to a fault - I TOLD HIM TO MAKE SURE ASHLEY GOT A SHOWER. he ended up having sex with her in his mother's bathroom. i'm starting to think that being a kind person gets you no where in this life. :(

last monday, LAST MONDAY, 11 days ago, his son (w/ashley) adam had to have hernia surgery in nashville. he told me that ashley and her mother were going with him. her mother didn't go and ashley gave him oral sex on the way home. while their son who had just had surgery was in the back seat.

so saturday, we got in an argument because i wasn't wanting to be intimate and he slept on the couch. sunday morning i got up, got ready for church, and was getting ready to leave when he approached me and told me that i was leaving him with two options (this is before i knew the truth) - he could either go get it from somewhere else or take what was rightfully his from his wife. he called ashley told her that he was bringing the kids home early and started telling her that i had a problem with the kids which is totally not true. i do everything for those kids. i go above and beyond my role as stepmom. so i text ashley and told her that i wasn't upset about the kids and told her what jer had said to me. she called me back and told me that they were sleeping together. i confronted H and he confirmed it. he moved to his mothers sunday afternoon.

i'm in complete and total hell. this is the most painful experience i have ever faced. i'm so angry and i'm so sad and yet still love this man who did this to me. i mean he's my husband. i can forgive a lot of things, and trust me, i have where my H is concerned, but this i cannot forgive. he lied to me for a year practically. our whole marriage has been a lie.

i know me. i know that if i let him come home, i will spend the rest of my life making him pay for this. i will want to cause him the same pain that he has caused me, which is impossible for me to do. and knowing this about myself, it's not fair to any of us especially my girls to live like that.

i went and saw my lawyer today. as soon as i come up with the money, he will file the papers for me. in the meantime my H thinks he has a chance to win me back. "i'll fight for you forever," he tells me. i think a part of me is starting to get a soft spot for him again, and i don't know what to do about it.

i just feel so helpless. and i hurt for my DD. i even hurt for H. all he ever wanted was to have a family and be a full time dad to a child of his and he threw that away and he'll have to live with that for the rest of his life. my DD will have a weekend dad and that kills me. my baby girl deserves better than that.

i have this picture in my head of the two of them together and i can't get rid of it. and it's not like he can just never see her again. she's the mother of his other children.

so all my immediate future hold is tears, a trip to the health dept to make sure that WHORE hasn't passed any STDs to me, lawyer fees and pain. it hurts. it hurts bad.

what do i do? please someone tell me what to do. i need help.

i need peace.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 5:04pm

First, BREATHE, this is the worst trauma you will ever feel. For the next couple weeks you are going to be really really raw so do not feel you have to make any decisions about your H at this time. It is recommended that the BS wait at least six months before making any permanent decisions. I think it is a good idea for your husband to remain out of the house for the time being. Do not file D papers just yet but do get the legal info on where you stand if it does lead to D.

What really helped me at first was talking to my doctor about the extreme anxiety and how to deal with it medically so that I could think straight. He gave me an RX for a mild tranquilizer. At the same time he will order labs for stds.

Keep posting here, you will recieve lots of help and support. Also, it is a good idea to get into some counseling as this is a rough rough road. There are lots of us who have been right where you are and we survived and thrived. You will get through it.

Try to eat healthy and take the best care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Sat, 05-09-2009 - 10:59am

I can't bring myself to use the word "normal", but everything you're experiencing is typical in this thoroughly abnormal situation.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein