I can't eat, I can't sleep. . .need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010
I can't eat, I can't sleep. . .need help
10
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 5:27pm

Hi everyone -


Here's a board that I never thought I'd post to; unfortunately, when I disclosed what was going on with me to a close friend today, I found out that she too had been through and affair and said this board was all that got her through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010

Marie,
I am so very sorry that you've had to join our ranks here. I'm sorry that this board even has to exist... Each new comer scratches the wound in my heart that is trying to heal.
I just got past 1st anniversary of Dday yesterday when I found out about my Hs LTA - 7 months at that time - I locked him out - he was away w/ hor for the w/e - and he didn't even know he didn't live there anymore until the equivalent of tomorrow a year ago.... I also had many sleepless nights, still have some - couldn't eat, drink, etc, I needed to find out EVERYTHING about OW - in fact even after H and I R, I knew more than he did and because I locked him out, they ended up living together for 3 months, and a little of the 4th that we were apart. I don't think I should have done that, it was like handing him over, lock stock and barrel, I had a restraining order and we didn't speak at all. When we did speak, it was only 2 weeks til he was back home, working on our M again... wasted time for us and harder for us to get over, past, etc, due to them actually having set up a household and hor giving up hor kids, pets, home etc.... more difficult again added to the infidelity to start with...
Since he is going to a counselor, I think that the two of you should start MC as well asap.
What you are feeling is normal. Unfortunate, but normal....
Some of the books I have read are:

Glass, Shirley P. Not just friends, rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after Infidelity Rebuilding after Infidelity

Gough, Elissa J. Infidelty & You Infidelity A recovery guide for anyone caught in a love triangle

Greer, Dr. Jean How could you do this to me Infidelity/ Broken Trust Dealing with Broken trust by those you trusted

Sheffield, Anne Depression Fallout: Infidelity/ Depression The Impact of Depression on Couples and What you can do to preserve the bond

Spring, Janis A How Can I forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to

Spring, Jannis Abrahms After the Affair: Healing the Pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful

Lusterman, Don - David Infidelity: A Survival Guide How to live with your partners Infidelity

Bercht, Anne My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me Recovering from your Hs infidelity (have not read this one yet, but I have it - I can't bring myself to yet....)

Baucom, Donald H. PhD Helping Couples get Past the Affair: A Clinician's Guide

Alan, Richard First Aid for the Betrayed

Coleman, Paul PsyD - You, him and the other woman, Break the love triangle and reclaim your Marriage Your love, and Your life (1st book I read, helpful)

Neuman, M. Gary - The Truth about Cheating

I have also been on several other websites that are insightful as well - just Google infidelity and you will find them, unfortunately there are alot of them, this one is the one that I need to be at daily though.... With out it, I don't think I would have survived...
Your friend is right!
Good luck to you and please keep up your strength. I didn't have a job when I locked my H out, and he wasn't supporting us either, so I went job hunting during this time. Lost 50lbs (more since) and I did it.. didn't think I could, but I did and if I can, trust me, you can too......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010

Thank you so very much; I'm just at a loss now as I don't know who to disclose to (why I'm embarrassed about this, I'll never know) and, the few I've disclosed to, I can't bear to share too much of the details.


I plan to order all of these books and can't thank you enough for your considerate response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi gal,
All the books the other poster recommended are good ones. I have read several of them. I would also recommend that you go to individual counseling (IC) for yourself. That helped me tremendously. You will get through this!

I did not stay with my exh. He never had remorse for his choice or empathy for my feelings. His lying continued. I would caution you not to believe all of what your H says to you. Cheaters find it so easy to lie during the A then when discovered they are sorry and all of a sudden they are truthful? I do not believe this.

As far as leaving being the easy way out--it certainly isn't! The D process was long and hard and I have struggled financially since the separation. I do not regret my decision however, I was independent and successful before I met my exh and I am regaining that now. If I stayed with my exh I believe I would still be living in his drama and lies.

Try and put your mind to use on other things. I know it's hard but you are strong! Eat something, force yourself! I ate a lot of yogurt and soup:) Someone once told me to eat oatmeal--easy on the stomach. Put your energy on yourself and your children.

Hang in there, you will get through it!!

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 10:22am
hugs. welcome i know this is all very hard for you. Take a minute or two to gather your thoughts. Things are very cloudy right now with the initial finding out. Dont make any rash decisions just yet. Take it one day at a time before you make any major decisions. Let those feelings flow and try to figure out what you want to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 12:11pm

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You have joined the club that no one wants to join and I am sorry for that. I feel your pain.


I too lost a ton of weight and could not sleep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2010
I'm sorry you're going through this. You WILL be OK. On another note, may I suggest not talking to the OWs husband again. It's my opinion that a "great guy" does not threaten a woman and her young children's lives, regarless of how mad he was in the moment. Nothing justifies it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 12:36am
I actually spoke to OWs other MM several times, (he was hor long ago exh) Hor had been having sex for money for 7 years while hor had others from the internet, etc, incl My H - so OWs other MM gave me tons of info which did come in handy.. both while I was in court trying to iron out child support and visitation and custody - (before R) and to verify that H was telling the truth when he came back home.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
...did the woman's (the one that your husband chose) husband threaten to kill you and your children?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003

Hi Marie,

I am an 'old timer' on the board whose H had an A six years ago.

A few important things I held true to my heart . . .

1) You deserve better

2) Do not make major decisions right now regarding staying/leaving etc.

3) Tell you H there is to be no contact whatsoever with OP

4) If H breaks #3, he NEEDS to move out (I SHOULD have done this)

5) Get into individual counseling too

6) Keep breathing in and out, if the dishes pile up, it is OK!!!

7) This does not have to mean the end of your marriage if your H OWNS his actions, is remorseful and you both do the hard work to heal your marriage - because it is hard work!

I am so sorry you found out in such a shocking/distressing way as to have a threat against you as well as w/your folks visiting!! Finding out is ALWAYS traumatic, but WOW that was bad!

You will go through phases with your emotions, numb, scared, hurt, furious, devastated, etc. It is a roller coaster that has it own unique speed and curves. Someone on this board said the most helpful piece of info they received was "where ever you are, is where you are supposed to be." You may be shocked at how volatile your emotions are and how all over the place you feel. But it is important to work through your pain to 'process' or digest this new trauma. It is exhausting, but necessary. Reading helps, I read After the Affair, by J. Springs and was traumatized. I read it too early in the process and didn't feel like reading her "both partners are to blame" message. It sounds like her follow up book is probably more on track.

What kind of man was your H before the affair? Honest and respectful? There for you in your time of need? Decent/loving? etc. If he a had a lot of problems before the affair, porn, alcohol, inconsiderate, chances are the affair is just another reckless, ruthless act and his chances of true change are much more difficult. This is where I am and why I am back after 6 years.

I do see some concern in your post as to why YOU do all of the stuff that takes time away from your life just because his work is more stressful. That may be something you no longer want to take on - at least not all of it. Being partners together as well as best friends/lovers can be much more rewarding! Plus, you deserve down time too!!! Your time is equally as valuable!!! But that is for a later date, for now, just keep breathing in and out, eat small amounts frequently during the day and love your kids. Order pizza, eat out, have H pick up groceries. The housework can wait!

Hugs to you Marie. I am so sorry for your pain.

Imommy22boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010

ze -
I am wondering about your phraseology here - When you type things like :

"did the woman's (the one that your husband chose)"

perhaps you can just type OWs H - instead it would be alot less hurtful to the betrayed...