I can't get past it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
I can't get past it....
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 7:55pm

It has been 3 years since DDay. My husband had a thing with an 18 year old girl. Exactly what the "thing" was , I don't know. I found a text about how she wants to be with him all the time, and his phone records showed he called her at least 2x a day.

He claims he "did not cheat", but I feel differently.

My problem is the usual problem, I just can not get past the hurt, the anger and the betrayal. He is genuinely sorry. He has showed me that. He has been so good, not that he wasn't before. We had a great relationship before this, I am not in denial, we really did. We had a great sex life, fun together, and we truly oved each other. He would tell me everyday that I am beautiful and he loves me. He was always so affectionate, and loving.

I just can't and never will understand why he did what he did. It eats at me every single day for 3 years!

At this point in our lives, he really has tried to show me how faithful he is. He tries so hard to make me happy, but I am not. I want to hug him, I want to be affectionate, but I can't. Everytime i touch him I feel he doesn't deserve it. When we have sex, it's great because it is just that to me...sex. I feel like I am numb. I know he loves me and wants to make this work, but I cannot break through all these other feelings tofind how I feel about him now. I miss so much how we used to be. It can never be the same, he broke us and it makes me so very sad. I have turned into this numb, just want to laugh and have fun kind of person, which to me is just fine, but he missed his wife. His loving wife. I am no longer that and try to be, but I can't.

How the hell and I gonna work this out. I have thought of counseling, and have not ruled it out, but we have no problem communicating. Everything I have just written, I have told to him. He knows how I feel and what this has done to me. And I know he is truly sorry and probably won't do it again. I just want to feel like I love him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 9:32pm

Hi Nanci,

Your H may not have had a physical A, but it sounds like he had an emotional one. Many men deny that it was an A, if it did not get physical. In the meantime, why is he sorry then? Obviously, he knows there was something wrong with his actions.

I am almost three years from DDay, and I can understand exactly what you are saying. I feel similarly, myself, much of the time.

We too, had a good R prior to the A, 21+ years married back then. It is not uncommon for an A to happen in a loving, happy M. Hard to believe, I certainly was shocked. TV “experts” will say that is not true, but the real experts, like Shirley Glass have researched and written about it. The A usually has little or nothing to do with the M, or the BS. An unhappy M can be one of the vulnerabilities that lead to an A, but it does not have to be. There are many individuals in an unhappy M, who do not choose to have an A as an answer to their problems.

Did your H ever discover what needs he was trying to fill with the A, and work to fix that void within himself? If he has not addressed his inner issues, you may always feel vulnerable and stuck until he does, no matter how good the communication is between you both.

You could be depressed. I was on Zoloft for a number of months, it helped almost immediately. I weaned my way off of it though, due to the sexual side effects. Neither one of us could stand it.

Also, C does not have to be MC. My H and I did some MC, but right now, we are each in IC, with the same C who was our MC, to help sort out our individual emotions and issues. Provided you find a good C, it does help a lot.

A Retrouvaille weekend and post sessions, or a Marriage Encounter weekend can also help ignite the spark between you again. It is a very intense experience.

I have read, on a few occasions, of posters who are 6 or 7 years out from DDay, and they have expressed how wonderful their R is at that point. They have also mentioned that at 2-3 years, they were still conflicted. You may just need more time with the new, improved H.

Finally, you may find that no matter how hard your H tries to repair the situation, after the fact, that his A irretrievably broke the R for you. It happens. That is the risk A WS takes when they engage in an A.

I wish us both luck, as I am in a similar place. I am taking my time, and not going anywhere. I am just trying to make things better, and working on myself. Recently, I have had moments where my H’s efforts are taking root.


Edited 6/2/2009 9:38 pm ET by mlb45
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 6:56am

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 7:56am


yes councelling would be great for you. I am on my third DDAy with my H ith the SAME women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 8:09am

I think that you should definately try counseling, idividual or couples.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 11:13am

Thank you all

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 1:21pm
Well you need that friendship to help move on it will be the basis for your new relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 7:15pm

I'll ditto the suggestion to get counseling.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:22pm
Seriously, you need to get a really good therapist just for you, not your marriage, for YOU!!!!!! You cannot help your marriage until you help yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:54pm
Nanci, just to add on to what the others have said I'd like to suggest that it's really easy to get stuck in this place where you are now.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein