I Feel Like I Want to Die
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|Mon, 12-09-2013 - 2:54pm|
I found out in July, through an "anonymous" phone call that my husband was having an affair. He swore it was emotional only and that he would end it for the sake of our marriage. I found out on 11/11/13 that not only did he continue to see this person but that it was sexual as well as emotional. He says that he started seeing her because he thought our marriage was over and he was preparing himself "a soft place to land" because he is so afraid of being alone. I'll be the first to admit that our marriage has been strained for a long time; at least 3 years. We have a blended family; he has two children and I have none. It has been hard from the beginning. Instead of turning to me to work on the marriage he turned to someone else to make himself feel better.
I can't tell you how devastated I feel. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have stopped working out and seeing my friends. I feel so isolated and alone. I have missed so much work that I fear losing my job but when I go to work feeling my lowest I just sit at my desk and cry.
When I found out in November that my husband was still involved with this person he told me he wanted to work on the marriage and that he would no longer see this person again. I'd heard that before. He composed and sent her an email in my presence telling her of his decision. According to him she contacted him one more time to beg him to leave me. He supposedly told her it was over between them.
It's been about a month now and even though we have been trying to work things out I still feel that he is distant from me. When I questioned him about it this morning he said he still has feelings for her and he is again not sure what he wants to do: work on our marriage or be with her. I am torn apart. I would rather he had shot me in the head and killed me than to put me through this. A part of me wants to tell him to kiss my a$$ and walk away. Another part of me wants to stay in the marriage and try to work it out. I don't know what to do. I stayed home from work....again....and have cried my heart out all day. I can't keep doing this to myself or letting him keep see-sawing in his decision. At what point do you just cut your losses and move on? If/when you decide to leave where do you get the strength?
Both he and I are working with counselors on an individual basis but it is not helping our marriage. I am so scared and am hurting so badly I just want to die to end the pain.
Any words of support or advice will be so appreciated. Thank you.