I Feel Like I Want to Die

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2002
I Feel Like I Want to Die
10
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 2:54pm

I found out in July, through an "anonymous" phone call that my husband was having an affair. He swore it was emotional only and that he would end it for the sake of our marriage. I found out on 11/11/13 that not only did he continue to see this person but that it was sexual as well as emotional. He says that he started seeing her because he thought our marriage was over and he was preparing himself "a soft place to land" because he is so afraid of being alone. I'll be the first to admit that our marriage has been strained for a long time; at least 3 years. We have a blended family; he has two children and I have none. It has been hard from the beginning. Instead of turning to me to work on the marriage he turned to someone else to make himself feel better.

I can't tell you how devastated I feel. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have stopped working out and seeing my friends. I feel so isolated and alone. I have missed so much work that I fear losing my job but when I go to work feeling my lowest I just sit at my desk and cry. 

When I found out in November that my husband was still involved with this person he told me he wanted to work on the marriage and that he would no longer see this person again. I'd heard that before. He composed and sent her an email in my presence telling her of his decision. According to him she contacted him one more time to beg him to leave me. He supposedly told her it was over between them.

It's been about a month now and even though we have been trying to work things out I still feel that he is distant from me. When I questioned him about it this morning he said he still has feelings for her and he is again not sure what he wants to do: work on our marriage or be with her. I am torn apart. I would rather he had shot me in the head and killed me than to put me through this. A part of me wants to tell him to kiss my a$$ and walk away. Another part of me wants to stay in the marriage and try to work it out. I don't know what to do. I stayed home from work....again....and have cried my heart out all day. I can't keep doing this to myself or letting him keep see-sawing in his decision. At what point do you just cut your losses and move on? If/when you decide to leave where do you get the strength?

Both he and I are working with counselors on an individual basis but it is not helping our marriage. I am so scared and am hurting so badly I just want to die to end the pain.

Any words of support or advice will be so appreciated. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 6:47am

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through.  I know exactly what it feels like; the pain, the heartache, feeling like you'll never feel like 'you' again. I, too, know what it feels like to just want to die to get out of the hellish pain.  But suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And you WILL feel better one day, that I promise.

 Our stories are similar. I found out; he said 'just friends' and then proceeded to lie and lie. I found out more, confronted him, he agreed to cut all ties with her.  Another lie~he went back to where he was working with her and just got sneakier...or so he thought. He agreed to end all contact with her and called her to tell her this, but wouldn't let me listen in on the call. He refused to let me do more than stand there and hear when she picked up the phone.  I have no doubt it was her but I also had no doubt that it wasn't an end to his A. It was just to pacify me and I didn't believe a word of it. I noticed on the cell records a number he'd never called before. I called it, blocking my number first, no voicemail set up. I called it again, interrupted the call by pressing any number, put in his PIN from the cell on our family plan and I accessed the messages on his prepaid phone and heard more than I needed to. I then called her to confirm this all and pulled a bluff on her.   I confronted him again and then he said "What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about?" Liars will often answer a question with a question to buy time to think up another lie to cover their tracks.

So then he decided he didn't love me anymore and proceeded to blame me for his A, all the while denying he HAD an A. Duh, Einstein! I asked if he loved her and he said "Its complicated, uhhh we're just friends."  I sent him packing and he went to his mother's, who along with his sister and brother in law, told him just what he wanted to hear: that HE wasn't to blame, I was. He said he needed time to think.

 He gave me the runaround for 2 weeks. There was nothing to think about~he was a married man with a family and that was it.  Finally, I told him I was seeing an attorney on Sept. 18 and to make up his mind or I'd make it up for him.  While I was filing for divorce that day, he was having a vasectomy 'for me'. He didn't know if he loved me or not, didn't know if he wanted to stay married or not, but he's having a vasectomy for me???? BS! He still to this day blames me for his actions because he says "You didn't help cut firewood." That a joke because I did but totally irrelevant.  After I filed, he went ballistic and said "You didn't even take the time to win my love back!" That one nearly cost him a broken jaw. What an idiot! He had the A and I had to win his love back????

Your H is much like him in that he's fence sitting. Well, its time to knock his ass off that fence. He doesn't know what he wants and doesn't have to choose right now because he has you both. You, my friend , are worth more than just being his back-up plan.

First thing you MUST do is go see an attorney to find out where you stand financially and what your rights are. As things are now, he can legally take every dime you have in any joint account and don't think he won't. You didn't think him capable of an A either, as none of us did. Just because you see an attorney doesn't mean you're divorcing. Getting info and being prepared is the smart thing to do. Also make sure all important documents like deeds, bank records, titles, wills, etc are in a safe place and make copies of them. I can't stress this enough~go see an attorney.

You also need to see a dr and be tested for STDs and be honest with your dr about what's going on. You are depressed and anxious and unable to sleep. See about getting a script to help with all this. There is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it and antidepressants can help you start to feel like 'you' again. When you go through a traumatic experience like this, it alters your brain chemistry and meds can help. You'd take an antibiotic for an infection and this is no different

.Depression, stress, no sleep and not eating is going to wear you down and make it harder to cope. Force yourself to eat something, get exercise to help with the stress and depression and go for walks in the sunlight, which helps with Vit D which in turn helps with depression. Eating healthy foods is best, of course, but if you just can't stomach anything much, try pudding, yogurt, ice cream.  anything is better than nothing. Don't isolate yourself. Get out with friends and keep busy.

I know you are overwhelmed and think you just can't do any of these things right now. Do them anyway. Once you start taking charge and start doing 'something', it really helps empower you .

You ask when do you cut your losses. IMO, if he isn't taking responsibility for his actions, if he's blaming you for his poor choices, if he's still in contact with her and seeing her, if he's refusing marriage counseling, if he's not doing everything to gain your trust back, if his life isn't an open book, then its time.  Right now he has no incentive to get off the fence. There is a list here called the 180 List.  Sometimes by following it, they get their head out of the fog. Sometimes they don't. But either way, its really about empowering you to go on with your life and get past this all. I'm going to post it so be looking for it. It shows him that you won't be a backup plan and that you can and will go on with your life, regardless.

Please feel free to come vent anytime. We've all been through this here. There are a lot of caring, knowledgeable ppl here. We've been where you are and are here to support you.  Take care. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 6:56am

<<"180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive">>

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue, try to reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate any discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!!!!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control- YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2002
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 7:36pm

Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story. In my head I know this pain will pass but I haven't yet convinced my heart. I still can't understand how I man who professed to love me could do such a thing to me and our relationship.  Perhaps he is not the man I thought he was when I married him.

I had a session with my therapist today and she is helping me get stronger and realize that I will survive...and thrive...with or without my husband. 

I'm living my life one minute at a time right now. I'm so glad I found this forum.

Thank you again and I hope you are doing well after what you have been through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 5:14pm

First of I just want to say I am sorry you are going through this, unfortunately the majority of us on this website have experienced all the same feelings you are right now. Although my story is quite a bit different than yours I can still relate to the emotions you are forced to go through. I just wanted to offer up some advice of what helped me get through the initial shock and daze of the first few months of finding out. At the time of my H affair I was in school working on my master’s degree and also working full time, we have no children so that helped a little, but I remember thinking how am I going to function let alone still go to work and study. I think my busy schedule actually helped, but what helped most was my therapist advice which was put myself first. He told me that I needed to make myself the #1 not to worry about my H and concentrate on healing myself, and that was exactly what I did. I read that you said you stopped working out DON’T I did that too when I first found out because all I wanted to do was cry, but when I finally got back to the gym it really helped. I remember telling myself everyday that my life would go on either way and there was no way in hell I was going to let my H’s selfish decision mess up my work and school goals. I felt like when I went to work and school I was in a way winning, I know this sounds silly but I was not going to let him ruin me. This then made me in control of my life regardless of what he wanted or what dumb choices he wanted to make. I was making positive choices and you need to do that too. You can’t control what your H is doing or thinking, but you can control your own life. I encourage you to get back to the gym, eat healthy, visit with friends, get back to work, and be totally selfish with yourself. Again I am so sorry you are going through this please know you’re not alone!

harmony23320 wrote:
<p>Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story. In my head I know this pain will pass but I haven't yet convinced my heart. I still can't understand how I man who professed to love me could do such a thing to me and our relationship.  Perhaps he is not the man I thought he was when I married him.</p><p>I had a session with my therapist today and she is helping me get stronger and realize that I will survive...and thrive...with or without my husband. </p><p>I'm living my life one minute at a time right now. I'm so glad I found this forum.</p><p>Thank you again and I hope you are doing well after what you have been through.</p>

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 2:54am

To ease the pain, you HAVE to make a decision and act on it.  Just "hoping" is going to drive you insane, so many of us have been in that spot and look back and wish we'd made up our minds what WE WANT - not what THEY want.  No guy is worth dying over, if it's that devastating and yet he will not drop her for good, he's already made his decision and you are currently his soft place to land in case his affair doesn't work out (virtually none of them do but he doesn't know that statistic).  Do NOT be his safe place to land, you deserve the world and you cannot have it with him.  Since he's been so deceptive you also can no longer trust him.  The guy needs to hear a firm ultimatum - that he can either have you or have her, that is if you are even willing to give him THAT much at this point.  Tell him he's got 15 seconds to decide, more than generous.  You cannot move toward a better relationship as is, until he cuts of all contact permanently, you have nothing, nada, zip to work with.  Sounds like he really thinks he can keep you hanging on while he continues to have her in his life - no, he cannot.  Allowing that will hurt you far more than you hurt right now, he HAS to end it...or else.  He can indeed end this affair, he just sees no reason to since you haven't left.  When they find it necessary to say "she's just a friend", she's already far more, by the way, that's such a common bit of nonsense and not to be trusted.  I do believe there ARE guys out there who can indeed be no more than plain old friends who happen to be women, I just don't personally know any!  I think when you know he's willing to string you along in pain like this and refuse to end contact with her, that may be your cue to kick him to the curb.  So many of them just don't get it, if they won't ( it's "won't", not "can't") cut off contact for good, they are making a statement loud and clear - the OW matters more.  Devastating to you to learn that.  Only you know how much of this crappola you can take, but do not let it yank you down the tubes, from all you've said, he simply isn't worth it.  You are, so do what you know is in your best interest right now, right this minute.  Believe me, many of us have gone thru that feeling that it hurts so much you want to die.  Just don't let that happen, no one deserves that. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 12:39pm
Sorry to know about you. I can understand how hurting and painful cheating of your spouse is. But you must think about yourself, your future, do you think that you would have a happy future with him? does he love and respect you for what you are? You must ask these questions seriously and then take an appropriate decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 4:03pm

I, too, am sorry to hear that you have found yourself on the receiving end of betrayal.  It isn't a place any of us would have chosen, but unfortunately it's the place most of us have landed.  I agree with everyone who has said to take care of yourself - first!  This is absolutely vital.  Place your focus on you and your well-being...not on them.  Focusing on them keeps the affair alive, keeps the pain alive.  I speak from experience on this. I kept my focus on them far too long.  I can't help but wonder if I would have recovered sooner had I just let them go and looked after myself instead.

Like you, I pulled away from people.  I was embarrassed and ashamed.  Like nearly everyone I knew, I believed his affair was a reflection of me...wrong.  It was a reflection of him.  He was the one who had the problem, not me.  He was the one who took the easy way out and 'tried' to run away from his problems, not me.  I say 'tried' to run away because it really isn't possible to escape your problems.  They will find a way to follow you.  The same goes for pain...there is no escaping it even if you should choose to separate or even divorce.  It will follow you.  It needs to be faced and transformed.  

I think most of us probably would admit we could have recovered quicker had we had some concrete general guidelines to follow and stuck to them. In the early days following discovery, the 180 is a good map to follow while you are trying to deal with this nightmare that has been thrust upon you.  It gets the WS's attention and helps to boost your self-esteem which has taken a major hit.  We want you to feel better about yourself, harmony...the sooner, the better.  We know how important it is to regain some semblance of normalcy, or balance, or empowerment, or whatever it takes for you to realize:

  • it's not your fault
  • you don't 'deserve' what happened
  • you can get through this
  • you can not only survive this trauma, but you can thrive as a result of it
  • you can only control you (This is BIG!)
  • you don't have to believe everything you tell yourself
  • your spouse is probably confused and doesn't have the answers


Too many times the BS believes the one who cheated knows exactly what they're doing, knew what they were doing during the affair, and now knows how to fix the mess they made.  I disagree.  I have come to learn that the opposite is closer to reality.  Regardless of what he has said to you, if he wanted to be rid of you...he would be gone.  You said so yourself -- he took the easy way out by turning  "to someone else to make himself feel better."  That doesn't sound like someone who had a firm grip on reality, or even someone who was willing to take a hard look at himself and do the work to improve his life and/or marriage.  And why should he when the OW makes it so easy to escape into a fantasyland?  I'm not excusing his choices or actions.  Choosing an affair shows a real weakness on his part, but most of us don't want to acknowledge our weaknesses.  Deep-down, though, I'll bet he isn't real proud of the choices he made and now the bubble has burst and he is forced to look at himself.  There is no more hiding in fantasyland.  Is it natural for him to want to escape back there again?  I think so.  Good grief, if he tried to run away before, then it has to be doubly painful now.  Now he knows your image of him is tarnished.   

If you decide to stay in the marriage and want to work on making a future together then it's important to set some boundaries.  Most of us probably thought this was unnecessary in the past, but now we know differently.  Decide what your boundaries are, harmony, and state them clearly, firmly and quietly.  If he wants the marriage, then he will understand that due to his past actions, there are now new rules in place.  If he agrees to the boundaries, consider it a plus for the marriage.  It is a small sign that he is willing to follow your lead and to put your marriage first.

I really believe it is important to understand that if the WS chooses the marriage over the affair it doesn't mean they know how to fix the problems they caused.  They could be looking to you for help.  You then have a lot of power and a lot of responsibility.  Do you abuse that power or do you use it to help both your spouse and yourself?  This is one of those times in life which offers you an incredible opportunity to grow.  It isn't necessarily easy, but it can be extremely rewarding.

Take care.




Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 2:49am

You're very welcome. It sounds like you have a good therapist. You're taking steps to feel better and that is so important. I hope things are going ok for you. Please let us know how you're doing. Wishing you the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 12-27-2013 - 6:42pm

I was you sooooo very long ago.  Not understanding the why of it all, wanting Ito hit the back key to erase all that I had found.

I came to this board and these very special people saved my life.

The majority of us who have been betrayed stay - and to this day I can not answer why I chose to accept so little.  In my case the only thing that has changed is that the years continue to go by, I continue to get older, and STILL ask myself why I didn't leave the very first time.

We all need to make our own decisions - funny, I so wish I would have been the woman gwtwfan was and ended it.  The answers you seek from him - doubt if he will be able to tell the truth of it all - "I did it because I wanted to, it had nothing to do with you".  That is a true answer, you see in their minds it is 'all about them' - until they get caught that is.  Then it is 'I swear I will never do it again' - til the next time.  I apologize for being so cold, in truth I am a very nice and kind person - 

Please take care of yourself, know and believe you have value - know you are perfectly special JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 2:45am

Sissyjacks,  You, my dear, sweet friend will always be one of the rocks I clung to during that horrible, horrible time in my life. You helped so many ppl with your advice, even though reliving it while writing to help them had to hurt you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  All of the wonderful ladies, and some men, on this site during 'our' time on here will never know how much they helped me.  I think so often of some of them and wonder where they are, how their stories played out, and I pray for all of us, for all those suffering through it now and for the ppl who will find out in the future. How I wish that no one again would ever have to go through that pain. But there will always be caring ppl like you, peace, ollie, myradorn ,fivediamondwife and our sweet CL at that time who's name I can't remember to be there to guide them, listen, cry with them and in the end reassure them, and mean it, that life will be good again.  GW