I felt so ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
I felt so ashamed
3
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 8:52pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:26am
Big (HUGS) to you. I'm sending PTs that the tests come out all clear. I hope you'll keep us updated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 5:45pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 4:23pm
I was in the same place as you 18 months ago. I went to a planned parenthood center to get tested. I was too humiliated to go to my regular doctor. My husband had unprotected sex for over 2 years with his affair partner. He said he was sure he didn't have anything. I asked why he could so easily believe her. When they first began having sex he used a condom then she went on birth control and he stopped using protection. The kicker was, at the time, we had just had the 'sex' talk with our 17 yr old son. My husband sat there and explained to my son how you could never be too careful. Just because a girl said they were on the pill, nothing was 100%. That the responsible thing to do was to use protection too. What a joke. He didn't follow his own advice. When a husband cheats the rules of the universe no longer apply to them. He could have gotten his mistress pregnant and the thought never crossed his mind. She assured him that he was the only one he was with. At one point he doubted that but still didn't use protection. I had to have a uterine biopsy and D&C and he still didn't use protection. An infection could have been catastrophic to my health. I was being checked for uterine cancer. I asked him how he could have so little regard or even respect for me. He said he would have been there if I really needed him. And how exactly did having unprotected sex with another woman show me that. They just don't care. They think that what they do in their affair has no consequences outside of it. The two worlds will never collide, right? They are idiots, because more often than not there worlds come crashing together and the fallout is devastating. My husband also had someone in his life who was a serial cheater. I can't tell you how many conversations we had where he told me how disgusting it was to watch him do it. How could this person hurt and humiliate his wife over and over again. She always gave him another chance. How could he not see what he was doing. These conversations usually concluded with us promising each other to never do that to each other. We promised more than once that if either of us was so unhappy in the marriage we would talk to each other, that if we felt ourselves attracted to another person we would end the marriage before it turned into an affair. We agreed that cheating was not an option. We promised we would never hurt or humiliate each other that way. After he confessed I reminded him of that promise. I reminded him how he would go off on a rant about his friend who cheated. I asked him why he thought he was any different. What made him so special. He said because he didn't go looking for an affair like his friend did. They always think their situation is different, special, unlike anything that has ever happened to anyone else. But the bottom line is he broke the promise he made to me on our wedding day, the promise he repeated over and over during our 20 yr marriage, hell, he broke a commandment. But it was 'different'. After he told me this I looked at him in absolute and utter disbelief. Could he hear what he was saying? He stopped and for the first time really heard what he was saying. I actually saw the color drain from his face. He finally got it. He wasn't different. He wasn't special. He was a liar, cheater and betrayer. I guess I'm lucky that he is so remorseful and willing to do anything to make our marriage work. It's hard sometimes to appreciate all that he is doing to make me happy now. Because some of it comes from a place of guilt and regret, not love and commitment. Accept that you will be angry for a long time. Accept that this has happened. Accept that you will heal with time. And know that this is not your fault. He chose to cheat. I don't care if everyday of your marriage you told him he was worthless. There were other choices. They always seem to choose the path of least resistance. Apparently it is easier to stand naked in front of another woman than to tell your wife you're unhappy.