My DH left for good this this time.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
First, I do not belong on this board.
Hi, and I'm so sorry.
Just so you get an idea of "where I'm coming from", my H and I separated for a few months during his affair, and eventually he had an "epiphany" and did a turnaround once he had lost me and just about everything else in his life. Now we've been rebuilding for over 2 years and are doing well.
Often even though we know that they were not treating us well, we still feel sad. We grieve the loss of the partner, marriage, and life we'd had before, or THOUGHT we had, or wished we'd had. Something that helped me during my separation was, one day I sat down and made 2 lists. One was of the things that I would miss about my H, and the other was the things that I WOULDN'T miss. Doing this helped me to put things into perspective, where I realized I just wasn't really losing all that much. That the man he was at that point in time really didn't have much of anything positive or beneficial to offer me in my life. And the things I WOULD miss... it didn't take me long to realize they were either things that I could get in other ways, or have with someone else eventually. And from there it didn't take me too long to think about what kind of partner that I would like to have IDEALLY, and to realize that my H at that time wasn't even close.
With this one, it can seem really illogical why they just won't own up to it even though you're separated. Mine continued to try to hide his affair from me for almost 3 months after he'd left the house, and even though he was acting like he didn't want anything to do with me. And he only "fessed up" once I had concrete proof he couldn't deny. There were at least 4 reasons why mine didn't admit to it. 1) He didn't want to be faced with an out and out confrontation with me about it, where he couldn't really deny that he'd done something terribly wrong to me (he was being a coward). 2) The other woman was married herself, so there was that motivation to continue hiding it. 3) He didn't want me to talk to the other woman. 4) Deep down, somewhere in there, he didn't want to burn his bridges with me. It was like he was trying to keep his options open with me, and knew that if I knew for sure that he was having an affair, that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. Not even as a "friend", and he didn't want to give that up. He still wanted something from me.
They definitely have a way of confusing you and trying to find ways to shake you from your own gut instincts. My suggestion would be LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, and don't allow him to shake you from that. When I was separated I eventually learned to change my thinking when I was trying to evaluate whether something was true or not. Instead of trying to decide whether I think something is "plausible" or "POSSIBLE", I instead to try to look at it as if I were looking at someone else in that situation, and I ask myself, "What seems most LIKELY?"
So like here, in your situation, would it be POSSIBLE that he is "just friends" with her, that those type of texts were "just joking", and that they were "watching a movie" at 12:30 AM, and that's all it is even though she's telling people she's seeing a married man? Of course it's POSSIBLE, but I think the real question is, is it LIKELY? What seems more LIKELY to you, deep down in your gut? And another question. Even if that were "all" it is, wouldn't that still be wrong? Would it really make any difference at this point?
I went through this too. Mine turned into a complete and utter self-destructive train wreck, and I did worry about him. You don't turn off the feelings overnight like a faucet, and old habits die hard too. But that's the thing. During my separation I realized that I had always been taking care of him. TOO MUCH. That one of the biggest problems we had always had was, my H looking to me to make everything OK for him, and he wasn't taking responsibility for himself, for his own actions, and for his own life. This was KEY to all of it- our relationship, his affair- and that had to change in order for us to even have any chance to rebuild.
If you and your H are not going to be together anymore, then your H will need to take care of himself. You only have to worry about taking care of YOU and your kids. As much as he might be emotionally unstable, HE is the only one that can fix that or do anything about it. He has to help himself. And I think this may ALSO be true even if you and your H were to get back together and rebuild someday. I know it was for me. If my H hadn't learned to take responsibility for himself and his own actions, I don't think there would have been any shot at us being able to make rebuilding work. He had to "learn some lessons" on his own, and the HARD way, and had to realize that his personal issues were HIS, and ONLY his, to fix. He had to get his own "poop in a group". Once he started doing that, well... that's what it TOOK. And if he hadn't owned up and grown up, I know there was no way we would have been able to make it work, and I truly would have been far better off without him.
So, I know how incredibly hard it is, but my suggestion to you would be, try to focus on putting yourself FIRST. Live your life for YOU, and leave him to live his life and do what he will with it. Do things that are going to be POSITIVE for you and your kids, and don't let him drag you down with him.
You said that in the past that you would ask him to come back, always with conditions. I'm going to guess he never followed through with your conditions. So my suggestion to you would be, under NO circumstances do you ask HIM to come back! Don't even entertain the idea unless and until he is practically begging YOU to take HIM back. Saying that he's willing to do ANYTHING to get you back. And if he ever happens to do that, don't let him come back unless and until you start to see him actually DOING the things he should be doing FIRST. Not unless you see REAL CHANGE in him. FIRST. Where he's doing it on his own because he wants to, in order to improve himself. And don't allow him back into your life unless and until you get to be in a position where you can ask him for anything and he will actually DO it.
And sadly, that may never happen, so what I usually advise BSs to do is to try to do things that improve your own life, and will put you in a better position so YOU will be ok NO MATTER WHAT. Then it's like, if they get their "stuff" together, great. If not, it won't really matter to you so much. Know what I mean?
I am so sorry for what you're going through. Take care of you, and be kind to yourself. ((HUGS))