I just don't know anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
I just don't know anymore
5
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 1:19pm

I must apologize first because this is very long, but I just had to get some advice on this.

I know what I need to do, but I am so lost at the same time.

Here is a little back story to help understand what I am dealing with. I found out a week ago about my H affair and I woke up from my dutiful wife coma. We have only been married for almost 2 years in May. Once I became a stay at home mother I pretty much took care of everything and did everything for my husband. While on his days off from work he would sit around and play xbox, computer games, or go out partying and drinking all night. I didn't say or do anything because he would always tell me how happy he was that I wasn't trying to make him stay home and that he was still married and could go out. But starting last year in August things started to get out of hand. He had just gotten back from a deployment that he mainly drank, sat by the pool, and flirted with lots of other girl. Where he did kiss another woman while there. He came home to a wife and an infant, but still wanted to party and drink a lot. I sat by hoping that he would just wake up or want to spend time with the family. Then we started to drift apart because he wanted to party still and I wanted to do family things. We have constantly been arguing and it is over the smallest things. I am going back to school online full time, taking care of our daughter (just me since he will only do something if I tell him to) and keeping the house clean (which is a constant battle because he never cleans). I am working 24 hours and 7 days a week with no breaks or rest. I only ask for a little help and for him to take out the trash and all of a sudden I am the worst person in the world. The only reason I ask for help is because I am sick of taking care of everything and being some kind of maid while he is out partying and having fun. Which is when I think the EA started with a few girls he worked with. He always said they were friends but yet these girls never once introduced themselves to me and I had my gut feelings. One girl in particular he was really close with. He always said they were friends and he always invited her over to our house to hang out. At first she was nice and I gave her a chance, but I had a weird feeling about her and him. But he would always invite her over on his days off and here I was feeling like some maid and like I was the odd one out in my own home. So I told him that I didn't want her over anymore, then I got cussed out because he was trying to help me make a friend (we are stationed over in Germany) and that they were just friends. When his mother came to visit and we were gone for a few days he invited her over and took naked pictures of her in our house. He swears he didn't have sex, but I don't believe it. I had told him before I left that I didn't want her over to our house while I was gone, but he invited her over anyways. When we fought about the pictures he said he was sorry, but he apologized about taking the pictures. He did not feel bad about the fact that he totally disrespected me and my wishes about her coming over. After the A I was didn't trust him at all and told him that I didn't want him talking to her at all. I also told him that I only wanted he to go out with the guys 2 times a month. I was being very giving. He didn't want to stop talking to her because they are friends and he wants to know how she is doing. Well the next day he contacted her to try and get back a shirt he let her borrow. But did not even tell me he was going to contact her or that he did. I found out by checking his phone. When I confronted him he gave me that excuse and didn't even feel bad about going behind my back. Then on Saturday he got a call to go out and party and he told me he wanted to prove to me that he could be trustworthy. So I told him that he could do whatever he wanted. I was tired of trying to save a marriage when he apparently didn't want to. So of course he went out and then rolled in around 5 in the morning. I woke up and he wanted to talk about us. Then he told him that he would agree to going out once every 2 weeks. But he wouldn't give up having friends that are girls. Now don't get me wrong. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him having girls in his phone and him talking back and forth with them. I told him that I wasn't telling him that he could never talk to another girl ever. He can talk to them at work and if he sees them around then that is fine. But no more texting and calling back and forth. But he said he wasn't going to give that up. Funny thing because I later looked at his phone and he called that the OW while he was out partying. Also he said he would not go to a marriage counselor. They wouldn't tell him anything that he already knows. Then he told me he wasn't strong enough to end our marriage, so I had to be the one that decided it. I had to be the "strong one" that said it was over. So at that point I knew there was no point in trying to save our family. That is when I started the preparations for our separation and later a divorce. I just have to take our daughter back to the states and then I can apply for a divorce.

Now to where I am having a hard time with him. I moved into the other room and he got upset because "friends can still cuddle with each other." He is also upset because I don't lay his clothes out anymore for him. There are days when he is nice, but others when I can't depend on him at all. I asked for a little help with some of my homework and he ditched me to go help a friend that was a girl move furniture. I am so fed up and ready to move on because I deserve better. I know that I do. I told him today that I am going to prepare the rough draft of our separation paperwork tonight and he said what was my rush. It is like he thinks this is all some game and that I really won't follow through with it. It seems like he thinks I will give up and cave into his demands and life will go back to before. I am so stressed, exhausted, and confused with all of this. I know what I need to do and that is get the divorce. He just makes it difficult to get it done. One day he acts like he wants it then other days he acts like he doesn't. He has even admitted that he doesn't know exactly what he wants and that he is selfish. But I can't be a doormat anymore and live with someone that has no respect for me and can't even treat me like an equal.

Why is it that he can't do these 2 simple things? A marriage counselor and no talking to girls on his phone. But he says he won't change who he is for anyone. I just can't understand how someone can give up their family for going out and drinking and other women?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 2:28pm

Your H is a VERY immature man. If it is too uncomfortable to be in the house w/him ,I would find a friend or relative to stay with. He will never change and you are young enough to start over. Think about yourself and your daughter ,now. It's great that you have school- something for yourself to focus on. He is a very destructive person. I would get counseling for yourself to help you become a stronger person and to feel good about your decision to leave. He has treated you horribly and will never respect you. You don't want to raise your daughter to think that this is the way a man treats his wife. Also, it's probably best not to try and reason or argue w/him. He just won't get it. Just do what you have to do to separate and leave(or have him leave.)The fact that he gets upset when you don't lay out his clothes anymore is pretty disgusting!

My H,after having 2 affairs, is fully committed to therapy,is transparent, remorseful and supportive(especially so now since my mother is dying) and desperately wants to repair our marriage. He feels terrible that I was so loving and he emotionally abused me and tells me it's all his fault-that his behavior had nothing to do w/me. This is the response of a H who is sincere. That's what you would need to have from your H and I'm afraid you're not going to get that. I told my H if he didn't do this for me the marriage was over and I kicked him out until he got the message. My therapist gave me the strength to do this and I feel so powerful and proud of myself for taking control of my life again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 3:09pm
Since you are planning on divorcing your H, I'm guessing your aim is to keep things on an even level until you can leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 3:12pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 3:41pm

Hi Emmaleesmom,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 4:23pm

Thank you all for the advice and support through this.

I am so glad that I found this website. I really feel alone sometimes, but when I get on here and read what others are going through it really makes me feel a whole lot better.

I will try the 180 thing. That is great advice. I have noticed how much more things have changed since I have stopped trying to work things out. I have also noticed that he has changed since I don't do things for him anymore.

I am doing my best to be as nice as possible so that I can get the paperwork all done up and get my stuff out of here. but once I am out of here I know that the divorce should be a lot easier. I am very fortunate that he is in the military, because if he doesn't want to sign the paperwork I can always call his commander and they will make him sign it.

I would agree that he is either lazy or wants to play the victim, I can't decide which one.

I am also scheduled to see a counselor this week to try and get some help for me. It will also help with our separation and having the military pay for the shipping and plane tickets back to my parents house.

Again I appreciate all the help from everyone. Thanks a million.