I JUST FOUND OUT HE SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
I JUST FOUND OUT HE SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE
11
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 2:18am

I've been married for 8 years now. I was using my husband's computer and happened to see a search for Planned Parenthood....Whaaaaat? Soooo I asked him about this. I asked if he had been. He says....Yes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 7:31am

(((((Ashcap))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 9:46am

I just wanted to send you some ((HUGS)) and support, ashcap.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:58am
Ash- I am sorry you found this place for the reason that you did. It is a devastating blow. It has laid you low. I remember thinking if he can lie and carry on an affair beneath my very nose who else is doing god knows what else I don't know about? All of a sudden I could no longer trust myself, my judgement, my own ability to assess what is going on around me. My haven (home) became a hell at the snap of a finger. I just couldn't believe it, it took about three months of "I can't believe it" "WTF"" " why me?". It still hasn't been that long, almost 5 months. It is a life changing event, in some ways bad, but some ways good too.

After about a week, I started to put a safety plan in motion at the advice of my parents: get money:,open separate account. I saw an attorney for a consult to talk about options, custody and division of finances, child support etc. When I left there I felt much better knowing I could care for myself and our children if need be.

If you want to read a great article by wiki how entitled : how to rebuild your spouses trust after an affair. It's aimed at the betrayer but for me, it was good for me to hear what i should expect from my husband.

Tell as few people as possible. The last thing you need is opinions you don't want or need. For me, that is what made me amendable to counseling. I desperately needed an unbiased person to hear my side of the story. I was also open to learning where my thinking may be wrong.

Post dday- it is all about you right now. You have been squashed like a bug and somehow you have to find a way to stand up straight and tall again. You can do this. It doesn't matter if you were cranky or tired or not the best wife on the planet. This affair is all about him and what he wanted and what he felt he deserved. Your husband said the exact same things to me as reasons. Problem is they just aren't good enough and they never will be. He had many other choices available to him and he chose the one that destroys everything and everyone in it's path. The innocent suffer the very most. I walked around at work, in public feeling tainted and diseased. I felt defective like I stood out like a radar. As If everyone would know of my shame and embarrassment.

You are perfect just the way you are. We all know you aren't a perfect wife, because none of us are. But- you can hold your head up high and look anyone straight in the eye. You still have your honesty and integrity and your trustworthiness. People can do whatever they want or choose to do around you, YOU stay true to yourself. You know right from wrong. Trust your gut, your instincts right now. Through your tears or rages it is sometimes all you have to help you reason.

Your husband if he is like my husband or any other person "caught" in an affair will most likely not give you the entire truth right off the bat. If you feel something doesn't make sense or add up, then it doesn't add up and it really doesn't make sense.

You do what's right for you and your family. If you want to try and work thru it that is your choice. If you want to leave that is your choice also. Only you know how much you can handle. I am going to give it a year before I decide on my marriage. My husband and I live in the same house but in separate bedrooms. Some days are harder than others. I don't know where this road will take me. They say that people in affairs are in the fog, I felt like I was in the fog too, but no longer. Hopefully never again.

I am glad that you found this board. There is a wealth of wise support here both with success of continued marriage or success with divorce. Either way you decide, I hope that you know you will come out stronger more self assured. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 2:00am

Thanks for your response. I'm so lost right now, I have no idea what to do. I feel like everything he says is a lie. I feel like a fool. I feel like running! Then there is a part of me that wants to give him another chance....THIS shocks me. I NEVER thought I would feel that way. I have always been of the mindset if you hit me or cheat on me I am GONE!

Though he did get tested for HIV and it came back negative don't worry; I do will be getting my own test. So very sad that I have to do this. It makes me sick.

Your last paragraph is wonderful advice and I really needed to hear that. Thank you and HUGS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 2:01am
Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 2:03am

Thank you for your response; you have so many great insights into all of this. I still have no idea what I'm going to do..

Your suggestion to get an attorney just to view my options is probably a good idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 2:08am

Everyone~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 7:21am

(((Ashcap)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 6:02pm
Ash- my husband did the same thing. It's a good thing, however, i would still revommend going thru with planning for plan b. Plan b may never need be put into action but it will be there if you need it. It's good for your own security and it's good for hubby to really understand that this isn't a disagreement like any others. That things have to change. It is very very hard to look at your spouse knowing they were naked with someone else. It really is unbelievable. You take the best of care. Don't settle. You deserve the moon and more!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 12:45am

I'm so sorry to hear that you just found that your H has done this to you as well. You're right thinking about him with her is is awful. I'm just walking the earth right now that's about as much s I can do.

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