I Keep Finding Out More

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
I Keep Finding Out More
17
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 11:37pm

How in the world can

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 9:51am

your husband has an EA (which i'm not so sure wasn't a PE because do you buy someone a $300 ring and not sleep with them?) and you are wondering if you are a fool?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 6:02pm

So sorry you are going through this. I have would to say though that you may find out more, because it sounds more like a physical affair to me. He bought her a ring, that sounds like it was a physical affair, but he is probably so good a lying to you, just like my ex was. I really thought my ex was a honest guy who could never lie to me, but I found out otherwise, but unless I confronted him with evidence, he never told me the truth.

No, you are not stupid, I think it takes courage to try and work things out with your H. Hang in there, and take care of yourself!

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 11:31pm

You are not an idiot for staying. It sounds like your H is still covering things up and therefore the chances are you'll still keep finding things. You can only begin to try to get over you H's A when you know all that there is to know. I'm afraid that I also think that your H has had, or was hoping to have a full E and P affair by the sounds of it. The trouble is that if everything comes out little by little, you keep getting hurt over and over again. That is what happened to me. My H denied that he was having a physical affair when I found an email from the OW, it wasn't until I found more explicit evidence that he admitted it.


I thought my H's A was over, he told me that it was

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 11:12pm

It wont get easier and for that I am sorry. I had after and before the fact found texts...money spent..heck I even followed him one evening...

I have to agree with all here in that you may find more out. And its all going to sting. And no its not fair not ever.

But you want to work this out and while I had no choice in leaving mine, now exh if you can communicate past this and work on healing and rebuilding trust then I think you are very brave and lucky.

Sometimes though, you cannot rebuild. That is something only each of us knows when that time comes round.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 1:14am
I'm betting the one honest thing he's said is he doesn't want a future with the OW.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 9:02am

Hi there, I am new here, but you can read my story in the next folder under how did you find out.


I will never understand why one wants to stay with someone who disrespects them like this. I will also never understand the term, "I can't leave". I can understand loving someone so much you don't want to, but people who cheat in my eyes don't deserve the love from the person they love.


Pull yourself together, stop letting him justify what's he's done. Start a new life without this man. There are good one's out there. You have to find the courage to leave and start over. Yes, it's hard but it can be done. There is always a way out. I will never believe that there isn't.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 2:07pm

First of all, thanks to all of you for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 3:16pm

Oh Jellybean, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 3:28pm

You should go back and read your post. You are justifying everything for him. He is wrong, maintaining a relationship with this woman is absurd. He is blatanly making you responsible for his actions. He made a bad choice, and honey it's common sense not to buy someone a ring that is a friend!!! WTF!! And you didn't get anything?


You are in total denial, you are afraid of losing him and being left alone. Don't raise your daughter in a home where she learns it's ok for a man to treat a woman like this. You don't want her growing up accepting this crap from anyone do you?


You will never be ok with this. Though you may be able to keep your mouth shut for a couple of weeks, you will bring it up again. Even though it is tough, you should move on before you waste anymore time. And in the long run, you won't look at this as a waste of time or regret it. What you will regret is the fact that you allowed someone to put you through this and you will know what you really deserve from a relationship. Remember, he may be an idiot and have no respect for your feelings, but you are allowing this to continue.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 10:02am

If you want to try and save your marriage then you need to get tough. You need to DEMAND that he go back into counseling, find a new job or position in the company where he works now so he won't have ANY contact w/her and be completely accountable as to his whereabouts. And whatever else you need for him to make you feel safe. He wants his cake and eat it too! My H was the same until I finally thru him out! Then he got the message. I figured if he didn't get the message then the marriage wasn't worth saving and he didn't really love me. Why would you want to be w/someone who treats you so disrespectfully?

if he doesn't agree to your demands I would calmly tell him to leave and get his priorities in order. I know how hard this is to do. I love my H and we've been married for 25 yrs. I was scared and devastated, but I knew this was the only way to get my self respect back and to wake my H up from the fog. It was the best advice my therapist gave me! It is VERY hard to end the affair unless there's NO contact at all. Otherwise, it will continue and you will live your life like this.He is vacillating back and forth between you and the OW- if you want to get him to be w/you ,you'll have to take drastic measures . The pull of an affair is like an addiction. My H's therapist told him this- certain parts of the brain actually light up in CAT scans and the dullness that follows after an affair ends often causes them to go back or seek another woman for that "high" again.

be good to yourself and your daughter. You deserve better and don't forget that!

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