I know... now what? :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
I know... now what? :(
15
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 6:08am

Hi Everyone

I've just found out my husband of 15 years has been on those online sex/dating sites and has been communicating and even meeting up with other women (unclear if anything actually happened - apart from the deception, etc of course) I've read his online profile and emails between these other women and to say they were explicit would be an understatement.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 11:29am
Winter- hugs to you and baby! There is never a good time or a good way. Bottom line pain is pain. Marriages can survive infidelity but some do not. A lot of it depends on your husband. He is the one that has to earn his way back into the marriage not you. He has a lot of explaining to do but more now than ever his actions will have to do the talking for him as you now know he lied and cheated.

I think many of us here pretty much agree on the post discovery game plan. The only thing you are certain of right now is you and protecting your children.

See an attorney for a consult ASAP. Get your own money- open a new account. Get tested for STDs ASAP. ask of him what you think you need to: at a minimum- all passwords to anything and everything that requires one. He should also be prepared to tell you everywhere he goes whenever he goes. He lost his freedom and it's going to take a lot of effort and time to get it back.

My favorite article is by wikihow-how to earn your spouses trust after an affair. It's written for him but it's great for you too because you will learn what is reasonable.

For me, I just sat my husband down and asked him if he had anything he needed to tell me. He knew I knew, but he didn't know what I knew. He admitted it but continued lying by not being forthcoming with all the truth. What they don't realize is that more lies hurt more and truthfully until thy can be honest with selves they can't be honest with anyone else.

We are here for you, take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 4:37pm
If he met up with them, the first thing you need to do is get tested. Whether he cheated physically or not, I don't think anybody would even try to say this is not cheating. He didn't just look at porn or have computer contact - he took it to the next level and met up with them. Right now you don't know - you can't - if he cheated physically, but even if he didn't he cheated emotionally. When you're married, you aren't supposed to be dating anymore. I agree, there's no perfect timing, but you have no choice but to confront him, make sure you catch him off guard so he has no chance to "have a plan". You're in the driver's seat here, he has no say and has to get help to quit doing this crap. Pretty cold if you're 8 months pregnant, sheesh.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 12:28am

Thank you for your replies and support, it's sad that there has to be a board for this

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 1:48pm

(((winterblue)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 4:52pm

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

Vent all you want. It doesn't matter if it's been said over and over, you need to vent for your own health and clarity. I repeat myself all the time here, but it's helpful every time, and hopefully not too annoying. :smileyhappy:

Do expect denial. It's amazing how evasion the WS can be. I guess there are exceptions, but I think for the most part, them having to come to terms with what they've done and own up to it is an excruciating process for both you and them.

Congratulations on the baby. Take care of yourself and your little ones!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 7:24pm

Thanks everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 6:08am

peace & strength to you

be very wary, do not believe half of what he tells you

just watch and learn

you are in control of the relationship now, you might as well demand anything you can think of that will possibly help you heal

it can take years if he can change so you have to be vigilant

best wishes to you and your family

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 8:12am

That was a very brave thing you just did, Winter!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 8:03pm

It's been a couple of days and whilst it's good that it's out there I'm now left with the constant feeling of doubt/being anxious, has he really stopped communication with these people and no longer visiting these sites, etc.

I know this will all take time but it's horrible to keep feeling this way, I'm trying not to stress to much because of being pregnant but it's been hard not to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
Sat, 11-12-2011 - 12:18am

Well that didn't even last a week...

I know he has contacted one of them again, nothing "sexual" was discussed but that's not the point, I said and he agreed to no communication/contact and it means exactly that, nothing!

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