I LET YOU DOWN, I AM SORRY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
I LET YOU DOWN, I AM SORRY
81
Tue, 06-23-2009 - 11:52pm

I received an email from imsosorry today telling me of the recent posts of concerns about me.

While I am missed you all terribly I have been too embarrassed to post.

After finding out that he is does not have Cancer nor is he even remotely in the process of dieing I thought 'OH HELL NO, THIS IS IT'. That was my first response, then after the outrage the anger. Angry at him but more angry at myself. I took a good long look at myself and say myself for what I really am - pitiful. I came to this site I came to you all and whined but worst than that I had the nerve to sit here and offer advice. Who the hell did I think I was?????? What gave me the right???? Sickening simply sickening.

Many of you know my age - 59. The majority of you young enough to be my daughters a few of you my sons. Yet here I was "giving you a glimpse of what your life would be like, years down the road". The problem with that thinking was that I never took into account that the pain of betrayal knows no age limit. The feeling of loss of self worth, questioning 'who is this man I lay next to each night'?, the insecurity of knowing that your other half, the one you have shared so many intimate special moments with never really thought of them as special, the damaged ego - wondering who knows - what are they saying about me? All of these thoughts, all of these questions they are personal and individual.

I realized I had no right in attempting to ask any of you to do what I did not have the heart to do.

I sunk into a deep valley of depression. I have not seen my shrink since I found out, a man I have learned to call my friend, too embarassed to even tell him what I told you all. I know what his response would be, I know how upset he will be, I know he will realize that I am too far gone for help.

I put on weight, hell if I could not feel good about myself on the inside, why even work on the outside.

Here I was, trying each and every day to make him comfortable. Putting myself on the back burner yet again and for what??? This man I call my husband, he knows me better than I know myself. He knows all of my buttons. He knows how little I feel about myself and so why should I expect him to feel anything positive about me.

I watched KPBS one night and saw Dr. Wayne Dyer - he was promoting a package he had. Included was a book EXCUSES BE GONE. Well I ordered the package, it came today. I am hoping that this book can show me how to reprogram this 59 year old woman. Every journey begins with one step, I AM HOPING THAT THE WORDS HE SHARES WILL OFFER ME THE KEY - to find the strength to take that one step.

I have realized something the past few months, I TAUGHT MY HUSBAND HOW TO TREAT ME. I TAUGHT HIM IT WAS OK TO CHEAT. I EVEN TAUGHT HIM THAT IT WAS OK TO LIE TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS CANCER - HE NEEDS ME TO STROKE THAT EGO. It matters to him not just how ugly and pitiful I feel for falling for this line of crap. No, he continues to think that an I AM SORRY will suffice. I now realize the 'why' of him not wanting me to tell the children. Here I thought he was this self sacrificing man who did in spite of everything else really care about his children. What a sham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am lost - I can share that with all of you. While my frame reflects a 59 year old woman, my inner soul is that of a hurt young child - men have been using me since I was 10 years old. The man I called father taught me I was not worth treasuring, loving, nurturing; instead he used me for his own gratification - so why would I think that it would be any different with the man I CHOSE to marry? I feel like I am in a washing machine - being sloshed around and around. My mind is mush.

Those of you who know me, I mean really know me - you will never know, I mean truly how cared about you have made me feel. I thought of you all as friends, you were the only ones who cared. You were the only ones who I could count on to be there month after month; year after year. You cared, and I want you to know, to remind you, that you saved my life back then. It has been a long hard struggle these past few months - to remind myself that checking out is simply not an option. I had printed many of your responses to me back then, I have read them many times over the past months - they have given me the strength to continue to find out just what the hell my problem is. I have wondered recently is it ego????? Could it be that MY ego will simply not accept that I was not enough? That I was not good enough????? That I was not worthy????? I am still asking the EGO question.

As I sit here I realize that we truly are our brothers keeper. You all have shown me the true meaning of the word 'care'. Please know how much you all mean to me.

I am so sorry for being such a disappointment. I wish I had the hoofspa to say I know what I need to do - but those would only be words. The great thing about this site is that we can all be honest as honest can be because in fact we are anonymous. Being anonymous offers us much freedom to open up and let the skeletons come tumbling out for others to see. It allows us to lay it all out there - type our true feelings, type our insecurities, our fears, our pain, our dreams, our wishes of wanting to be what we are not.

You are TRUE friends, how special are all of you.

I am sorry I was not bigger or better - I SO WANTED TO BE.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 12:55am

What are you apologizing for?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 7:45am
Your post made me cry for your pain. What are you apologizing for? Your time is here leave him and start you life over with YOu first. I know how hard it is..I'm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 8:52am
YEAH! Plainin' is alive and kickin!!!
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 8:54am
Wondering if your ego is the problem, wondering if you were "not enough" is putting the blame back on you, making excuses for
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 9:43am

Planin,


I'm going to say to you what I say to everyone who is new here for the first time.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 1:27pm
I'm not getting why you think you should have been able to see through his lie about having cancer. By law, his doctor cannot share with you what is going on with him, and the symptoms you had decribed to us sure sounded terrible. Give yourself a break. Make an appointment TODAY to get back with your therapist. The only thing you need to find out is why you aren't leaving someone who treats you so horribly. The man is pure SCUM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 3:32pm

Oh Kathleen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 5:33pm
So So happy to see you back here. I dont have much to add to what the others had said but want you to know WE CARE. Please keep going to IC, take care of yourself and know that yes, you can start over. It would be sooooo great to see you here a year from now telling everyone how happy you are that you took care of YOU and moved into the life you so deserve. YOU CAN DO IT Kathleen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 9:44pm

bjean:

thank you for your kind words.

i have spent the past 2 days reflecting - not focusing on the past but envisioning a future. i have come to realize that the majority of my thoughts for the past years, since i found out, have ALL revolved around what he did. in doing so, i have been wallowing in the mud - and one thing about mud, if you allow it to begin to stick to you it forms a concrete type barrier. i hope i am making sense here.

i need to take each day one at a time - BUT MOST IMPORTANT I NEED TO HAVE A NEW FOCUS.

thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 10:10pm

you have a special way about you - always looking to dig down deep and bring light into the dark.

i did phone my shrink today. i did it early before the office opened. speaking honestly i did that on purpose because i knew he would not be there. i figured his sec'y would phone me back with the appt. time - WRONG!!! he phone me and said, "SO HE FINALLY CAME CLEAN HUH?" when i asked him what he meant he told me flat out "I KNEW THE SOB WAS LIEING". he asked me what made me call and i told him "you know the website i told you about?, well they reached out to me after months and in doing so i realized that i can not spend the rest of my life in hiding, what is that saying 'the truth will set you free'".

where did you get the 5HTP? i am very leary of taking the antidepresandts that i have taken in the past, they seem to have a fog like affect on me, plus there is the weight gain. additionally i do not like hearing about them from my husband makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like i am broken the way he talks about the medications.

i have always believed in the importance of integrity as a woman, as a wife, as a mother. i simply could not live with the affect it would have on my children; on what they would think of me as a mother. unfortunately my husband does not feel that his actions should have any affect on his children. he believes his life is life. it is hard enough knowing that my daughters question my decision to stay with their father. it hurts, you know? my baby daughter who is now one month from her 20th birthday said to me a couple of years ago 'I LOVE YOU, BUT IT IS HARD FOR ME TO RESPECT YOUR DECISION, IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEING A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN'. she loves her dad but their relationship is severely strained because of his serial infidelity; which she learned of when she was almost 16. she told him, "you were like a God to me, how could you do this?"

i am hoping that this new book helps me in my desire to stop the lifelong self-defeating thinking habits. i will let you know.

again, myradom, thank you for caring. your words were very kind and non judgemental.

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