I LET YOU DOWN, I AM SORRY
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|Tue, 06-23-2009 - 11:52pm|
I received an email from imsosorry today telling me of the recent posts of concerns about me.
While I am missed you all terribly I have been too embarrassed to post.
After finding out that he is does not have Cancer nor is he even remotely in the process of dieing I thought 'OH HELL NO, THIS IS IT'. That was my first response, then after the outrage the anger. Angry at him but more angry at myself. I took a good long look at myself and say myself for what I really am - pitiful. I came to this site I came to you all and whined but worst than that I had the nerve to sit here and offer advice. Who the hell did I think I was?????? What gave me the right???? Sickening simply sickening.
Many of you know my age - 59. The majority of you young enough to be my daughters a few of you my sons. Yet here I was "giving you a glimpse of what your life would be like, years down the road". The problem with that thinking was that I never took into account that the pain of betrayal knows no age limit. The feeling of loss of self worth, questioning 'who is this man I lay next to each night'?, the insecurity of knowing that your other half, the one you have shared so many intimate special moments with never really thought of them as special, the damaged ego - wondering who knows - what are they saying about me? All of these thoughts, all of these questions they are personal and individual.
I realized I had no right in attempting to ask any of you to do what I did not have the heart to do.
I sunk into a deep valley of depression. I have not seen my shrink since I found out, a man I have learned to call my friend, too embarassed to even tell him what I told you all. I know what his response would be, I know how upset he will be, I know he will realize that I am too far gone for help.
I put on weight, hell if I could not feel good about myself on the inside, why even work on the outside.
Here I was, trying each and every day to make him comfortable. Putting myself on the back burner yet again and for what??? This man I call my husband, he knows me better than I know myself. He knows all of my buttons. He knows how little I feel about myself and so why should I expect him to feel anything positive about me.
I watched KPBS one night and saw Dr. Wayne Dyer - he was promoting a package he had. Included was a book EXCUSES BE GONE. Well I ordered the package, it came today. I am hoping that this book can show me how to reprogram this 59 year old woman. Every journey begins with one step, I AM HOPING THAT THE WORDS HE SHARES WILL OFFER ME THE KEY - to find the strength to take that one step.
I have realized something the past few months, I TAUGHT MY HUSBAND HOW TO TREAT ME. I TAUGHT HIM IT WAS OK TO CHEAT. I EVEN TAUGHT HIM THAT IT WAS OK TO LIE TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS CANCER - HE NEEDS ME TO STROKE THAT EGO. It matters to him not just how ugly and pitiful I feel for falling for this line of crap. No, he continues to think that an I AM SORRY will suffice. I now realize the 'why' of him not wanting me to tell the children. Here I thought he was this self sacrificing man who did in spite of everything else really care about his children. What a sham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am lost - I can share that with all of you. While my frame reflects a 59 year old woman, my inner soul is that of a hurt young child - men have been using me since I was 10 years old. The man I called father taught me I was not worth treasuring, loving, nurturing; instead he used me for his own gratification - so why would I think that it would be any different with the man I CHOSE to marry? I feel like I am in a washing machine - being sloshed around and around. My mind is mush.
Those of you who know me, I mean really know me - you will never know, I mean truly how cared about you have made me feel. I thought of you all as friends, you were the only ones who cared. You were the only ones who I could count on to be there month after month; year after year. You cared, and I want you to know, to remind you, that you saved my life back then. It has been a long hard struggle these past few months - to remind myself that checking out is simply not an option. I had printed many of your responses to me back then, I have read them many times over the past months - they have given me the strength to continue to find out just what the hell my problem is. I have wondered recently is it ego????? Could it be that MY ego will simply not accept that I was not enough? That I was not good enough????? That I was not worthy????? I am still asking the EGO question.
As I sit here I realize that we truly are our brothers keeper. You all have shown me the true meaning of the word 'care'. Please know how much you all mean to me.
I am so sorry for being such a disappointment. I wish I had the hoofspa to say I know what I need to do - but those would only be words. The great thing about this site is that we can all be honest as honest can be because in fact we are anonymous. Being anonymous offers us much freedom to open up and let the skeletons come tumbling out for others to see. It allows us to lay it all out there - type our true feelings, type our insecurities, our fears, our pain, our dreams, our wishes of wanting to be what we are not.
You are TRUE friends, how special are all of you.
I am sorry I was not bigger or better - I SO WANTED TO BE.