I never though this could happen to me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
I never though this could happen to me..
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 5:30pm

Wow... I don't even know where to begin. I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now and I just don't know how to pull it all together and make sense of it. I'm glad I found this support group, so hopefully you can help me get through this horrible event.
First- some background information. I met my husband back in college. We hit it off from the start, and after dating for 2 years we got engaged. When we graduated from college, we had to move away from each other. I was in the Air Force, and he was in the Army. We spent 3 1/2 of the first 7 years of our marriage apart (due to his 2 deployments to Iraq and my tour in Portugal). He left for his last tour in Iraq when I was 5 months pregnant with our first child, and didn't return until our son was 10 months old. We've lived together nonstop though for the last 2 years. Since his return from Iraq, we've been extremely active in the local community, we have great friends, and we even got pregnant again (our second son was born 8 weeks ago). We had a great marriage. At least I thought we did. But it turns out that he's been having an affair for almost a year...
One of the things I've taken great pride in regarding our relationship is that we had 100% trust. We had to in order to survive all of those years we were geographically separated. Our quote was, "being apart makes a good marriage stronger, and a bad marriage weaker". It also was a very special relationship for me, as I have a very difficult time trusting others due to lots of letdowns while growing up, (my mother abandoned me as an infant and I didn't meet her until I was a teenager; my stepmom was physically and verbally abusive; my father, who once was my rock, has little contact with me or my sons anymore, etc).
Since my husband has returned from Iraq, I have supported him 100% in his endeavors. Because we were new to the community, and we live in a small town, we were both anxious to get involved. This was a place where we could actually make a difference. He became active with American Legion, the Masons, the local historic high school restoration committee, etc. I got involved in the local community theater and Rotary club. On the surface... we were the perfect family. But, it turns out it wasn't so perfect after all. One of the groups that he participated in was a leadership program for up and coming future leaders of the county. There was a group of 20-30 hand-selected individuals who met once a month to learn about various issues surrounding our community. It is a great program and I was looking forward to participate in it as well sometime over the next couple of years. Well... unfortunately for me this is where he met the OW.
I don't know what exactly made me suspicious of another relationship and why I started digging. But, it didn't take long for me to find out. There was plenty of evidence in his phone, email, and bank records, but I still couldn't believe it. So, I looked in his journal. I feel awful about doing that, but I HAD to know. Well... it was all there in black and white. He wrote of a new and exciting thing in his life, how it was so destructive yet thrilling at the same time. All of his statements about me over the last year were derogatory. I couldn't believe that my husband was capable of thinking some of those things about me... let alone writing them down in his journal. After my reading, I was able to determine that the affair began last February and that it was with someone from his leadership program.
I called the frequent phone number from his cell phone records and found out my assumption was right. The OW was in his leadership program. She was also an acquaintance of mine as our children are in gymnastics together. She too is married, and has two kids. How could a mother make the decision to risk her family as well?????
I waited 3 days before I told my husband I knew. Of course, my first reaction was to grab my kids and leave. But I was scared. I have a 2 month old and a 3 year old and little support from my family. Where would I go? So, I spent all of my alone time crying and trying to understand how the man who used to cherish me and worship the ground I walked on was able to risk everything and hurt me so bad. Who IS this person?
When I confronted him I did so with a letter (though I was sitting beside him when he read it). I wanted to confront him as nonemotionally as I could. He read it, and then sat there for a few minutes. He then said he was sorry and he never wanted to hurt me. He said that he never intended to have this conversation with me because he never intended for me to find out. He expected to end the relationship and close that chapter in his life without me knowing. WTF?????? So it seems he's more sorry I found out about the affair. Not that the affair happened in the first place.
I asked him if he wanted me and the boys to leave. He said no. That we had too much history together, that we have two beautiful children who deserve a home where their parents are together, and that he still loves me. So again I have to ask, how could he risk all of that in the first place????? He saw the OW the next day and told her I knew, and that they had to end the affair.
I know I should be happy that he's willing to end the affair and work on our marriage. BUT... it makes me sick to see him grieving over her loss. My strong, capable, Army husband is crumbling apart. He is so despondant that it literally makes me ill. He says that it's hard because their break up was so "abrupt". That he planned on ending it (and they had tried several times with no luck), but he didn't expect it to end so swiftly. And then he also defends her to me!!!!!! He tells me how she's really a nice person and they spoke of not wanting to hurt their spouses (how noble...). They both felt so guilty about their relationship because their spouses didn't deserve the pain that we would feel if we found out. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better. HE also tried to make me feel better by saying that at least he fell for someone who was nice, decent, smart, good-looking, etc... not some trailer trash. WTF? I told him that made it worse because she was my replacement. She possesses all of the traits that first made my husband attracted to me.
My husband honestly felt that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. But it did hurt me. I was making decisions in my life based upon a false reality. We got pregnant!!!!!! Had I known that he was cheating on me, I would've never gotten pregnant again. Let me tell you how that thought makes me feel now! I have a beautiful little boy who would not exist if I knew of my husband's infidelity. I turned down a lucrative job offer in another city because my home is in our small town, etc. Also, his relationship with her stole time away from me. If he was disappointed in our marriage he should have come to me! Instead, he focused his attention on her. That same time and attention could have been spent on improving our marriage. It turns out that my husband was disappointed with our sex life. I'll admit that it did go downhill in 2007, but that was due to some of my issues. I spoke to my husband about it and sought counseling. I was able to overcome my depression and in 2008 our sex life was back in full swing. In fact, it was the best it had been in a long time. But, my husband was already emotionally attached to his lover by then to even realize how great we had it. He said that his false logic was that our sex life got better because he was no longer pushing for it (since he was getting it elsewhere).
Now, we are trying to find a marriage counselor. We went to one guy... and even I will admit he was really hard on my husband. He basically said my husband has no values at all. Certainly not what I would expect from a counselor, and my husband refuses to go back to him. I got a recommendation of another counselor in our area, but when my husband heard who it was he said we shouldn't go there. It turns out that the OW and her husband have been going to this counselor for some time (since before their affair started). Neither her husband nor their counselor knows about her affair. But this makes me mad! Why shouldn't we be able to see a good therapist because she is already going to him? Then again, do we want to go to him at all since his therapy hasn't kept her from sleeping around? What do you think? Also, should I tell her husband what I know? I'm aware that destroying her marriage won't help mine... but I want to turn her little safe world upside down like she did mine. Would that only push her and my husband closer together?
Lastly, I'm angry because my son can't continue going to gymnastics. I refuse to be around her and I will certainly not allow my husband to be near her, so that means one of us has to quit (either her children or my son). Unfortunately, my husband told her that we will quit gymnastics. Why should my son have to suffer?

OK... well, I know that was long, but that's my situation in a nutshell. I have so many emotions. I don't know if we can work it out or not. My husband is in love with her (at least he thinks he is), but he wants to work on our relationship still. I can't continue to watch him mope around because I made them break up. This whole thing makes me sick.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 5:46pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 12:32am

Hi Flygirl, huggs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 2:09am

Sort of a cruel irony he met her in a "leadership program".


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 3:03am

First let me say I've been there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 11:23am

I'm so sorry.

Her husband does indeed need to know about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 12:24pm
Thank you all so much for your responses. It's good to get these feelings off of my chest and to remind myself that this is not my fault.
I agree her husband needs to know. I'm just afraid me telling him will rip their marriage apart, make my husband pissed at me, and then bring them together. I'm walking on eggshells... Also, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure her husband won't kill or hurt my husband. As mad as I am at him, I don't want that to happen.
I did go to my OB and got tested for STDs. They all came back negative. That was one of the most humiliating thing I've ever had to do. I'm actually friends with my OB, and to walk into her office with my 1 month old in tow, and tell her to test me for STD's bc my husband is an A-hole, was awful.
You are exactly right in that my husband didn't like being viewed as an awful person. He has always been the "golden boy". Tall, fit, handsome, graduated valedictorian, graduated #1 in every Army course he's ever gotten, promoted to Major ahead of his peers, etc. Everyone sees him as perfect... so to have someone put him down like that really got to him. In fact, he got so depressed he went to our family doctor and got prescribed Zoloft (a big step for him). That is actually a good thing because he is less despondent, he is more positive about OUR future, and is doing a better job understanding my pain (at least it appears that way). Also, we lost power in our house on Wednesday and AEP doesn't estimate it will be back on until Sunday. So, I took the kids and came to the city. My husband had to stay at our house to keep the fire lit and make sure the pipes don't freeze, plus he still had to work (I'm still on maternity leave). He's called 5-6 times a day since I've been gone and says how much he misses me. So, I think the power going off was a blessing, because it forced me to separate myself from him when I didn't have the courage to on my own. He's realizing what he risked...
I do think that when I see the OW (I know I will since our community is so small and we travel in the same circles), I will tell her that I haven't ruled out telling her husband. I want her to know that I have the upper hand and that if she continues to pursue my husband that I will definitely tell her dirty little secret to whoever will listen. I still may tell him anyway, but at least I'll be in control of the situation.
My husband called last night and he has worked really hard at finding another counselor. He made an appointment for us for Monday night, so keep your fingers crossed!
Thanks again everyone for all of your support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 1:43pm
I wonder if they really realize how hurtful it is to say things like "She is really a good person or She really is a very intelligent woman." I heard it too. At the time he says it you really feel wounded. I remember being so hurt upon hearing it and really never responding to it at the time. But then when I think about it now I think I really wish I would have responded to it with "yeah so what am I in comparison, a uncaring stupid woman who bore your kids and has been taking care of them and you forever." Really thinking about it now makes me want to gag,not to mention knock a few teeth out. LOL. The pure selfishness and insensitivity to your feelings when their in LA LA LAND is really unbelievable isn't? I mean even in their twisted mind if they feel these things for OW, for God's Sake have a little sensitivity and don't tell us that.

Edited 1/30/2009 1:48 pm ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 2:01pm
I think it's not really abut HER at all. What he is in love with is how she makes him feel about HIM, like HE is the greatest thing since sliced bread. LOL They really don't get it when their in LA LA LAND that what they are in love with is the euphoric feeling of being "in love", which of course has nothing to do with reality. It's like their possessed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 2:03pm
I think it's not really abut HER at all. What he is in love with is how she makes him feel about HIM, like HE is the greatest thing since sliced bread. LOL They really don't get it when their in LA LA LAND that what they are in love with is the euphoric feeling of being "in love", which of course has nothing to do with reality. It's like their possessed... with stupidity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 9:07pm

this is one persons opinion; i am sure there will be many.

i would tell her husband. why????? very simple, unless all parties know how can you be sure it is over. i have lived with a cheater for many years; they are all the same. it is about us, the reason they cheat that is. we did not do this or we did that. how wonderful it is to have a special friend - a friend who 'understands' you. a friend who makes you feel so special, a friend who gets your blood boiling the way it use to when you were new (the 2 of you). but that is it, that is not real life. no, real life is hard - real life is about trust, communication, love, respect, dignity, and values. so tell me where were any of these when it came to 'his' affair. out the friggin window.

i have read far too many posts where only 1 of spouses know and the relationship with the other married partner continues. only he is left, right now, to deal with the fallout. oh how chivalrous is he!! and you, the bad wife who snooped, give me a friggin nother break. those who have NOTHING to hide hide NOTHING - dr. phil.

who give a rutty rat if she and her husband are going to the therapist. she is lieing thru her teeth to the counselor. besides the counselor is forbidden by law to divulge anything either you or your husband tell him. a good counselor is a must in this situation.

it is time for honesty all around. if he truly wanted to be working on his marriage, if he was truly worried about you he would be pining over what the 2 of them had. let the light in, time for all involved to share all information and then decide what the future holds.

he wanted to wait until he ended it with her???? that make a difference? bullshi*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is time for you to take care of you you and you. do you know why? because you are important, because you are special, because you deserve the best. because your children deserve a mother who is not going to take any crap from any one, ESPECIALLY their father.

this is just my opinion. but believe me i have been around the block a time or two and i have seen what betrayal can lead to.