I really, REALLY wanna tell her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
I really, REALLY wanna tell her...
10
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 4:13am

This is my second time here on these boards. I really thought I wouldn't have to come back, yet here I am. I won't go into the whole story, but this second affair is with a different woman. In between the two affairs, I had my second child, who is now 2. My oldest is 6. Let me be clear--we are not a "new" family...I'm 42 and he is 39 and we've been married for 16 years. My dilemma---I desperately want to do two things: 1. make sure the OW's husband knows of the affair (I'm not sure if they are separated now, too, not), and 2. talk to her just one time. I'd like to tell her how wonderful it is that her children were able to grow up (they are older---end and out of high school) in a united family, and lament that my young children will never have that chance. Bottom line, I want to put even just a twinge of guilt in her head. I know in my head that it probably won't matter to her, really, but something makes me feel like this is something I need to do to make myself feel better. I want to tell  her H only because in the first affair, the OW's H knew, but didn't tell me, and I was a little annoyed by that. Anyone wanna talk me out of this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 11:50am

Don't do it.  If you read the affair boards (MAS) I don't see many women over there feeling bad or guilty that the guy they are having an affair with is cheating on his DW--some of them are even having affairs w/ someone who is a friend where they actually know & see the wife.  And why are you focusing on the OW?  She's not the person who made vows to you--if you need to be mad at someone, be mad at your DH and decide what to do about him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 1:59pm

I think you should do whatever you feel like doing. Your decision. Definitely tell the OW's BH. He needs to know for his own protection. Everyone shuld be checked for stds...it is only prudent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 2:15pm

I AM mad at him. I guess somewhere in the back of my twisted mind I'm hoping that by making her feel a little guilty maybe it will bother her enough and she'll leave him, and then HE'LL be alone...like he left ME. I already know that we're done; I guess I just want him to feel pain. That's terrible and  vengeful, I know. But, there's also more to this story than just the affairs. He's a bad decision-maker, a "grass is greener over there" kind of guy. He's drug me into a lot of things, and I've stood by him, believing that a spouse should accept some faults, encourage, and support. When he came back the last time, he assured me that he was SURE that  our marriage was what he wanted and that he was sorry for hurrting me. Now he's hurt me AGAIN and I want him to hurt, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 2:18pm
  1. Wow...I sound really angry and mean. I'm not normally. All this changes a person so much. :Frown
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 2:18pm
  1. Wow...I sound really angry and mean. I'm not normally. All this changes a person so much. :Frown
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 4:38pm

so, let's say that you call and tell him and he tells you "I don't care. Don't bother me with this."...  what then?

Let's say you call her and she hangs up on you...  what then?

I disagree with this making you feel better--because you're believing that the outcome will mirror what you're conjuring and that very well may not be the case.  You have no idea where they are in their mindset--they're not where you are because they're not you and they don't live in your mind. 

For her to feel guilt, she has to allow herself to feel guilt--you can't put that there for her.  Just like shame: you can't shame someone who does not feel shame.

This is you giving 3 people control over your emotional well being... and they don't deserve to have that kind of power over you, to make you their minion and make you prostrate your self-power in front of them.

I don't think the outcome will be what you want it to be and that will probably hurt you more than anything else because it will call into question your judgement at a time when you need to be relying on it to get you through.  Forgiveness is a better tack--it will free you of the power this situation has over your emotions and your thought processes.  I did not say "forget it and act like it never happened"--let's be clear on that. 

You have far bigger fish to fry here than trying to rub their noses in their poop: you have a husband who has no problem cheating on you and you have small children.  Any decision you make from this day forward is going to impact them for the foreseeable future, be it you putting your neck in the yoke and pulling through another affair rebuild or you calling an attorney and getting the divorce rolling. The children's emotional well being needs to be what  you put forth in front of your eyes, not being vindictive or wanting to get back or trying to make grown people play their roles in your fantasy of their downfall.  Leave that to karma--it will hurt them far more than anything you do.

The only thing that is going to make you feel better is for this to never have happened---and no one can give that to you to stop you from hurting.  Investing in a "fantasy of a downfall" is you giving your personal emotional power over to people who do not deserve to have it in the first place.

Maintain your grace and dignity at all costs.  If your marriage is worth rebuilding, then put your focus on that. If your marriage isn't worth rebuilding, then call the attorney and end it.  The person with whom you need to be having a conversation is the person you took vows with--period.  Everything else is unnecessary drama that will prolong your healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 10:56pm

If she already knows he's married, already she DOESN'T CARE that what she's doing will inevitably hurt someone else, so you're expecting a lot that isn't going to happen.  It's human nature for us to try to put most of the blame on the OW, but it takes two to tango.  You think you'll get some kind of revenge or feel better if you contact her or make sure her H knows, but you do not truly get revenge, I think you just obsess all the more.  I contacted the other woman by e-mail and thought I'd get it out of my system.  Instead I kept going over and over and over the words I'd written, plus nothing I said was ENOUGH - afterward I kept thinking I wish I'd said this or added that.  And she retaliated by spreading lies about ME.  Now I'll add that it GOT RID OF HER, she stopped her sneaky little almost invisible pursuit of my DH - only because she got CAUGHT, but that didn't return the trust to our relationship.  In the end, this is about your husband and him feeling entitled to cheat on the woman he took vows with.  It's not about her, it's about him - there's nothing she could do to force him to cheat with her, this is something he did by choice.  It's also not about you, it's about him, and you need help if you choose to stay with him.  I won't try to talk you out of contacting her or encouraging you to do either - I just don't really believe it will help the pain you feel.  Work on that.  It will be a lot more satisfying and healing to you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 12:38am
I disagree with most of the other posters. For one thing, I think the other spouse's H has a right to know that he is being put at risk for any sort of disease issues. Second, I think he has a right to try to save his M if at all possible. And third, I can't imagine if someone else knew that my H was having an A and didn't tell me about it and instead just kept it to themselves. OK that said.... If the only reason you want to tell him is in some effort to spite her, then I would suggest you take a couple days to really process some more and not let anger rule the day. Examine your own conscience and make sure you are doing things for the right reason. Good luck to you.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 10:51am

elmosmom99 wrote:
I disagree with most of the other posters. For one thing, I think the other spouse's H has a right to know that he is being put at risk for any sort of disease issues. Second, I think he has a right to try to save his M if at all possible. And third, I can't imagine if someone else knew that my H was having an A and didn't tell me about it and instead just kept it to themselves. .

That's all predicated on the notion that they esteem their marriage the exact way you esteem your marriage.  That there is based on pride, and pride goes before destruction and the haughty spirit before the fall.   He may not be interested in "saving his marriage"  or he may already know and doesn't care.  You have no possible way of knowing that because that is their marriage and business. And he may not appreciate you bringing his business to him. 

Revenge only works if you can control every variable, known and unknown, for the rest of time.

Listen, I've been cheated on and it was a brutal, soul shredding experience for me.  The person I trusted for 13 years with my heart and dreams betrayed me in the worst fashion.  In the 2 1/2 years since our relationship ended, even though I know who she is, where she works, where she lives, her facebook moniker, her LinkedIn moniker, for me to prostrate my grace and dignity by entering into her area and forgetting myself would only be viewed as me being the one who is mentally disturbed, who is crazy and out of her mind, who is the loser and "no wonder he left her. I don't blame him... oh you poor dear (said to the ow)".  I am the one who is blameless in all of this. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.  She may have gotten him, replaced me in his heart and considerations, etc., but she sure as hell wasn't going to also get my dignity, grace and self esteem as prizes for her "accomplishments".

Interestingly, now their relationship is over and she is the one going through what I went through 2 1/2 years ago.  I didn't have to do a thing to bring that about except to maintain myself, my grace and my dignity.

Sure, prostrate yourself and see where it will get you.  I'm saying through my own experience that I got way more by taking a path to see this forthcoming than I would have if I acted base and crazy.  I went for the long view, not the momentary, fleeting fix and giggle. Was it hard? Hell yes, it was hard.  And I understand the powerful seduction of giving in to it--at the same time, I understand the power I am giving up to her to hold over me emotionally for the forseeable future by giving in to a temporary fix, because what it will never fix is the fact that the whole episode even happened.  That is why Jesus said "forgive"--it gives you back the power the situation has over you, emotionally, forever.  That doesn't equal forgetting--I will never forget what I was put through and that is what gets taken into consideration during any reconciliation negotiation.  I know the truth of who I am dealing with when it comes to him.  Whether I choose to re-enter into a relationship with him or not will be based upon knowing that truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 3:20pm
Wow. You seem awfully mad when all I simply did was disagree. I simply offered my opinion. I don't know where you come up with the phrase of "prostrate yourself" because in NO WAY was I advocating laying down at anyone's feet or praising anyone as greater than oneself. Since you were the one bringing up Jesus, I will say the only time I am prostrating myself is at the feet of the Lord. I didn't say a dang thing about acting crazy, etc. Matter of fact, that is why I suggested that she wait if she was solely doing it out of anger. And all the talk about he may already know that the affair is going on can equally be talk of he may NOT already know. There are proper ways of breaking the news. If he doesn't want to hear it, then in my OPINION that is on him. Being calm an rational does not destroy grace or dignity. I get the impression that you only think the way you have grace and dignity is if you never confront those who did you wrong.That is one way. But there are also other ways. It took me two years before I was able to say boo to the OW. It took me that long because I wanted to confront her and let her know it was not OK to do what she did to me without making a scene or opening a can whoop a$$ on her. Why, because she wasn't worth me losing my character and dignity over. But, once I did say what I needed to say (which by the way was to forgive her) I was able to reclaim my power. And in my case, since she is someone who would be expected to be at major family events (i.e. weddings/funerals) I needed to reclaim my power and speak with her before I was forced to do it in a family setting. When I spoke to her, I didn't raise my voice at all. I managed to keep it at a very low tone, so no one heard me (even a coworker asked her as I was leaving, did that lady have a complaint?) I don't think for a minute that was doing something as a fleeting fix and giggle. It was something that I NEEDED to do for ME. Not for anyone else, but ME. And I stand by my opinion that for ME, I would say something to the other spouse (in my case there wasn't one), but I would do it calmly and rationally. I would rather be wrong and find out he didn't care a bit, had an open marriage, or didn't want to know than to feel like I was helping her perpetuate slowly killing him mentally and emotionally. I am forever thankful that my friend called me the night she did and told me that she thought my H was getting ready to do something stupid where OW was concerned. It was already too late, but she did it because she had my best interests at heart. I would tell the other spouse out of my belief it was for his best interest. If he doesn't believe me, thinks I am nuts, or whatever at least I would feel that I did it for the right reason. I am not advocating pestering him with the info, but I know for me personally I believe he has the right to know. Whether he wants to believe or cares is on him. Again, I am not saying that a BS needs to go crazy on the other spouse and scream delusional thoughts at him, but if she feels the need to tell him and that it is the right thing to do and can do it without anger ruling her mouth, then I don't think it is wrong to do.