I really, REALLY wanna tell her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
I really, REALLY wanna tell her...
7
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 4:13am

This is my second time here on these boards. I really thought I wouldn't have to come back, yet here I am. I won't go into the whole story, but this second affair is with a different woman. In between the two affairs, I had my second child, who is now 2. My oldest is 6. Let me be clear--we are not a "new" family...I'm 42 and he is 39 and we've been married for 16 years. My dilemma---I desperately want to do two things: 1. make sure the OW's husband knows of the affair (I'm not sure if they are separated now, too, not), and 2. talk to her just one time. I'd like to tell her how wonderful it is that her children were able to grow up (they are older---end and out of high school) in a united family, and lament that my young children will never have that chance. Bottom line, I want to put even just a twinge of guilt in her head. I know in my head that it probably won't matter to her, really, but something makes me feel like this is something I need to do to make myself feel better. I want to tell  her H only because in the first affair, the OW's H knew, but didn't tell me, and I was a little annoyed by that. Anyone wanna talk me out of this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 3:31pm
Lisacihlene- Re you line "Make it memorable. Make it hurt." You forgot the disclaimer.... "BUT MAKE IT LEGAL!" This way there is no trespass or disturbing the peace like another poster mentions! LOL. Seriously though. I always say if you feel like you need to say something to the OW then say it. But I do think one needs to say it like the ladies we are! And if you can add some style to it....even better! :-D
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 10:15am

lisachilene wrote:
<p>Jellybean, if this is your second go around with this nonsense with your husband then all bets are off.  You are free and clear to approach the OW's spouse and fill him in on all the nasty details....he deserves to know....wouldn't you want to know?  As far as the cheating woman goes, yes, she absolutely deserrves to be called out.  But I would suggest you do this in a situatuation where her peers are gathered, or family members, or her bosses.  Make it memerable.  Make it hurt.</p>

and when the police are called on you and you're arrested for tresspassing and disturbing the peace,  take the consequences of that like an adult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 2:06am

Jellybean, if this is your second go around with this nonsense with your husband then all bets are off.  You are free and clear to approach the OW's spouse and fill him in on all the nasty details....he deserves to know....wouldn't you want to know?  As far as the cheating woman goes, yes, she absolutely deserrves to be called out.  But I would suggest you do this in a situatuation where her peers are gathered, or family members, or her bosses.  Make it memerable.  Make it hurt.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 4:29pm

the only thing that is going to make you feel better is for this to never have happened---and no one can give that to you to stop you from hurting.  Investing in a fantasy of a downfall is you giving your personal power over to people who do not deserve to have it in the first place.

Maintain your grace and dignity at all costs.  If your marriage is worth rebuilding, then put your focus on that. If your marriage isn't worth rebuilding, then call the attorney and end it.  The person with whom you need to be having a conversation is the person you took vows with--period.  Everything else is unnecessary drama that will prolong your healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 10:52am

Tell him.  He deserves to know.  Even if your motives aren't pure- and you are only telling him for revenge- he still deserves to know.  Like Peggy, of DearPeggy.com writes about, the secrecy of affairs needs to stop.  Be prepared to show proof because if she suspects you'll tell her husband no doubt she's already make up a story about how you are a psycho who wants to ruin her.  The other reason you should tell is because if he knows, and he can work it out with her, or if he crushes her by dumping her... you may prevent her from doing this to someone else's husband in the future.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 10:12am

jellybean6896 wrote:
<p>This is my second time here on these boards. I really thought I wouldn't have to come back, yet here I am. I won't go into the whole story, but this second affair is with a different woman. In between the two affairs, I had my second child, who is now 2. My oldest is 6. Let me be clear--we are not a "new" family...I'm 42 and he is 39 and we've been married for 16 years. My dilemma---I desperately want to do two things: 1. make sure the OW's husband knows of the affair (I'm not sure if they are separated now, too, not), and 2. talk to her just one time. I'd like to tell her how wonderful it is that her children were able to grow up (they are older---end and out of high school) in a united family, and lament that my young children will never have that chance. Bottom line, I want to put even just a twinge of guilt in her head. I know in my head that it probably won't matter to her, really, but something makes me feel like this is something I need to do to make myself feel better. I want to tell  her H only because in the first affair, the OW's H knew, but didn't tell me, and I was a little annoyed by that. Anyone wanna talk me out of this???</p>

so, let's say that you tell him and he tells you "I don't care. Don't bother me with this."...  what then?

Let's say you call her and she hangs up on you...  what then?

I disagree with this making you feel better--because you're believing that the outcome will mirror what you're conjuring and that very well may not be the case.  You have no idea where they are in their mindset--they're not where you are because they're not you and they don't live in your mind. 

For her to feel guilt, she has to allow herself to feel guilt--you can't put that there for her.  Just like shame: you can't shame someone who does not feel shame.

This is you giving 3 people control over your emotional well being... and they don't deserve to have that kind of power over you, to make you their minion and make you prostrate your self-power in front of them.

I don't think the outcome will be what you want it to be and that will probably hurt you more than anything else because it will call into question your judgement at a time when you need to be relying on it to get you through.  Forgiveness is a better tack--it will free you of the power this situation has over your emotions and your thought processes.  I did not say "forget it and act like it never happened"--let's be clear on that. 

You have far bigger fish to fry here than trying to rub their noses in their poop: you have a husband who has no problem cheating on you and you have small children.  Any decision you make from this day forward is going to impact them for the foreseeable future, be it you putting your neck in the yoke and pulling through another affair rebuild or you call an attorney and get the divorce rolling. Their emotional well being needs to be what  you put forth in front of your eyes, not being vindictive or wanting to get back or trying to make grown people play their roles in your fantasy of their downfall.  Leave that to karma--it will hurt them far more than anything you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 9:49am

Hi Jellybean,  I'm sorry you have to face this again.  Have you separated from your H or are you?  IMHO, if the OW has the ability to lie and cheat on her own H and knowingly cheat with yours even though you do have young children than she probably would be hard pressed to feel guilt--at least from something you said to her. You have absolutely no idea what your H has been feeding her too--the WS says all kinds of crazy things (lies) to the OW.

Now the OW's husband on the other hand is a different story.  I WISH someone had told me of my exh's exploits!  Personally, I would tell him because I think he deserves to know.  I would present your evidence and tell him what you believe and leave it at that.  He may already suspect something is going on.  If you do you will feel better knowing YOU didn't leave him in the dark.  He may or may not believe you.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to work on restoring your own peace.  If you can get to a counselor, go.  See an attorney to find out where you stand financially.  Talk to a trusted friend or a pastor.  My friend, I've been there and living well is the best revenge!  You are so strong, you made it before and you will do so again.

Hugs,

Ollie