I think my marriage is over

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2000
I think my marriage is over
4
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 2:30am

I know it has only been a few days since I have found out. But I feel dead inside. We can talk calmly but  I almost loose it when he wants to hold my hand or try and hug me. I feel no connection at all anymore. It's like we went from husband and wife to friends or brother and sister overnight.  Sorry don't know how else to explain it. I can talk to him about everything, but any touching and I cringe and feel very uncomfortable, not mad, just, jeesh I can't explain it! . I am not picturing him with the other woman or anything like that, nor am I trying to punish him, it's just like our connection was immediately severed. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 6:06pm

First off I am so sorry you are going through this! Unfortunately many of us on this site have been through exactly what you are going through. I will start off by offering you this advice, of course you feel your marriage is over it's natural to feel that way especially so soon after you have found out. It's natural for you to be angry and not want your husband to touch you or comfort you. I hated my husband after I found out, he stayed at his parents for almost a month and when I saw him I didn't want him anywhere near me. These are all natural feelings you are experiencing. I also was not interested in punishing my husband I could barley take care of myself let alone think of ways to make him feel bad. I was convinced he felt bad enough about what he did to me. This process is not easy either path you take to stay or to leave. The best advice I can give you is get an appointment to see a counselor/therapist A.S.A.P they will help you work through your emotions. You should not make any decision regarding your future now; you’re in a fragile state and not thinking clear. In time you will know one way or another the best choice for yourself. I know when I was first told that it takes time I wanted to scream, the pain is so intense you just want anything to make it go away, and I promise you time will heal your wounds. Take extra good care of yourself (eat well, exercise, meditate) anything that makes you happy. Your husband must understand that you need some time and space to figure out what you need and want. Again I am so sorry you are going through this but please know you are not alone!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2000
Wed, 10-16-2013 - 1:03am

Thank you for that. I  really do appreciate it. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 11:25pm

It sounds as if you are very numb right now.  That means that your mind and body have shut down regarding your feelings and emotions towards him..  It is just too much for you to process right now.  As others have suggested, do not make any major decisions.  Time and patience and just quietly listening to what your own self is telling you will reveal the answers.  Best of luck to you in this terribly difficult time.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 4:22pm

Momto_4, 

I'm a Dad to five. After 18 years of marriage, I discovered my wife was having multiple affairs of different types with college classmates. This gave her courage to approach her high school boyfriend and they began sleeping together. Our kitchen ceiling began to come down because of a leak so I invited her to go to her Mom's with the kids for a couple of day while I took time off work to fix our kitchen. She slept with him both nights. She would wait for the kids to go to bed and then drive to his $hitty little trailer only to be back to make breakfast for my kiddos.

The following weekend, she would talk to him on her cell while she was painting the ceiling I repaired and decided to go for a ride on the back of his Harley while I was with our two sons at scout camp. When I found out about them a few weeks later, I had to go to a week-long scout camp with my sons and I had to keep going for a private hike to cry. I quit scouts shortly after that. It took years to not see my wife’s affair in my efforts to repair our home. Nobody, unless they have been here, knows the thousand indignities we suffer from our spouse’s affair.

Look, keep your spouse; lose your spouse, whatever. You have work to do here for you that if you don’t do, will come back to haunt you.

People rebuild functioning, loving and caring marriages after affairs. For others, they should have ditched that jerk years ago. You can’t control what your spouse did, you didn’t cause what he did, and you can’t fix what he did. What you can do is fix you and be an example of someone who is behaving well and making themselves a better person. As someone who has been there. Taking care of yourself is attractive and either your spouse or someone else will find you worth spending their life with and you deserve to be happy either way.

Taking care of yourself includes, eating right (no junk food), exercise, enjoying hobbies, caring for family and respecting ourselves. This might also include going back to work or school, paying your own bills and preparing to live without your spouse even if you choose to let him stay. 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.