I thought we were doing good......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
I thought we were doing good......
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 1:11pm

I have been with DH for almost 15 years, 9 of those are marriage.  We have always had a rocky relationship.  Lots of distrust from me mainly becuase he is verbally abusive when we get into arguments and I never felt "good enough".  But he also had a few female friends and he never seemed to think it was a problem to text them.  So I was always suspicious of his true intentions with them.  I guess I alwasy felt like he had to have someone else "just in case".  So, I had an emotional affair about in 2009 with a coworker.  We did end up kissing but I broke it off right after that because I knew where it could lead and I couldn't let myself get to that point.  I didnt tell DH anything but a few months later I found out he was also having an emotional affair but with someone in a different state.  I let him be the bad person for a day but felt guilty and finally confessed to mine as well.  He completely disregarded his affair and made it all about mine.  He decided to stay with me but I basically suffered for 2 years.  I alwasy felt like it was just my punishment for what I did (he thinks because I kissed the guy that my affair was much worse).  He would go out every weekend, get wasted, stay out till all hours of the morning.  I would constantly see him messaging girls on facebook or see texts from them.  It seemed to be a different girl all the time.  It hurt me so much but I still felt like it was my "punishment".  We finally decided to go to therapy in the fall of 2011.  We only went a few times but I felt like what the counselor was telling him made a difference.  I had brought up soemthing that happened a few weeks before our therapy session where I saw he had called a girl.  He tried making an excuse of "well if my wife wouldnt..." and the therapist cut him short and said "no, your wife has nothing to do with this.  This is YOUR choice and YOUR actions".  So for the next 3 years things were amazing.  We barely fought, we talked more, we enjoyed each other more.  I actually knew what it was like to finally trust him.  I felt so secure with myself, like I was finally the only girl for him.  I just felt like everything was the way it should be for once.  Until this past weekend. Like I said, I had finally trusted him.  So I didnt feel a need to go through his phone, and it had actually been a few years since I last snooped.  He was taking a nap and I heard him get a text.  For the weirdest reason I felt a need to see who it was.  It was a girl that he had met just shortly after we started dating.  I never thougth anything of her because she was a friend of one of his male friends.  She wasn't cute and I never thought of her as a potential threat.  But the text she had sent said "hhmm...it'd have to be Saturday or Sunday because my mom is coming to town on Monday and is staying at my house and then I'm leaving Friday on vacation.  Unless you want to do it somewhere else".  OMG my heart sank.  SANK hard.  I was in utter shock.  I didnt want to say anything to him because I didnt want to start a fight.  We had been doing SO good for the past few years, I just couldnt imagine he'd want to put us through that heart ache again!  So I waited until he went to bed to fully be able to go through his phone.  I found nothing else except a picture of hiimself naked that was taken 2 days prior...a picture that was obviously never sent to me :-(  So I messaged her on facebook and she confessed to sleeping with him back in 2011, just once she claimed.  I am just disgusted.  I am so sick to my stomach.  She said they have been talking off and on for the past couple of years but she hasnt seen him since their one encounter.  I find that hard to believe since they were obviously going to meet some time soon.  I wake him up and confront him.  He said he hasnt seen her in years and they just talk once in a while.  She said that they do flirt and send each other pictures.  Part of me feels like I'd be able to get past the actual sexual part because that was back when we were gonig through a REALLY hard time.  But the fact that he has kept in contact with her since then and has done who knows what, just breaks my heart.  I have no idea what to do.  I have always told myself that if I ever catch him talking to a girl again, that I would leave, no questions asked.  But now I sit here running everything through my head thinking should I try to make my marriage work?  Should I file divorce?  He acts like nothing is wrong.  He claims we are "even" now becuase he still thinks I had sex with my coworker.  I just dont know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 2:00pm

File for a divorce and move on.  You will NEVER feel the same about him.  I've been there and trust me you will NEVER love him like you did.  It will be more of a friendship.  Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 2:36pm
wth??!! YOU need to divorce him.Period! enough is enough.Obviously he will NEVER admit to what he did was even worse then what you did all those yrs ago.He will NEVER admit it! he will ALWAYS make it look like it's all YOUR fault! Please get out of this toxic relationship...
Avatar for demecafe
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 2:57pm

FWIW, what are you going to be working on? You've already been down that road and he disregarded everything you worked on. I think I'd have a bigger trust issue with that than a one-time affair. It's one thing to stray, then work things out and have the marriage working again, but then this is just like a slap in the face. If it were me, I'd never be able to know when he was/wasn't telling the truth. And then the whole blaming you on top of it all... I just can't see how you move on together. 

It seems like you know what you have to do, but are scared of taking that step, which is completely understandable. Do you have any close friends/family that you can get support from?  


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 3:20pm

Yes I am extremely scared of taking the next step.  I think I have been WAY too forgiving all these years and have put up with way more than I should have.  Yes I do have people to support me.  I have not told too many people, just my parents and 2 close friends.  They said they will support me in whatever decision I make and will not judge me either way.  And I guess I dont know what we'd be working on.  I know he has been hurting ever since I told him about my affair and it saddens me to think that he still hurts.  But to go and make things "even" is just horrible, absolutely unexcusable.  And to CONTINUE talking to her.  And no, I have no clue if he were telling the truth or not since the past couple years I have been more than happy with him and felt like I could trust him 100%.  He will never confess to do anything worse, although I can only imagine how many other girls he has slept with or how many other times he has slept with this particular chick.  I have a daughter who is 11 and that is my biggest reason for not taking drastic actions right away.  I dont want to remove her from her house.  I wish he'd move out but I know he wont.  I was seeing a counselor by myself during those horrible years we were going through and I was going to make an appointment with her this week to talk about everything.  I did also fill out paperwork with a lawyer back then but never went through with my initial consultation (thinking we were going to be working things out....)  I guess I feel like I'm done giving him a second chance...because this would be his....god, who knows....fourth, fifth, sixth chance???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 4:38pm

Wow I am with the others......... I vote for getting a divorce and moving on......................15 years is a long time to be in a toxic relationship and get abused all ways around............Give him another chance?? he does what he does cause you accept it and he gets away with it so he will continue on the say way forever until you find a way out of that toxic marriage...

I was in a very toxic and abusive marriage and lasted ten years............It was all I could take and now its been ten years since I left my ex H and I have been so free and happy and no more drama.................

You have a child so get out for the sake of the child ..........................your child will suffer more if you stay trust me on that one.

Go to a support group, continue counseling, find other woman in your situation and find a ton of support .

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 12:08am

First of all, the MOST important thing is that you get your 11 year old daughter out of that toxic environment.  She is watching you be a door mat for a miserable abusive man, and she will end up being abused by a boy or man too, because that's all she knows.  Don't say she doesn't know, and don't worry about where she lives.....because what she needs most is a happy mother......and you are definitely not that.  Your husband is abusive because he's a miserable insecure man.  He abuses you verbally and that IS abuse.  He lies to you, he cheats on you........and blames you for everything.  HE has a big problem, and you're paying for it.  Besides, HE isn't in control of who lives in the house.....the court is.  Forget the counselor, get a lawyer and find out what your rights are, and you might be surprised.  In the meantime, check with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and they can advise you how to start extricating yourself from this man you mistakenly married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 4:41pm
Stop punishing yourself & STOP allowing him to keep holding what you did against you. If there was any chance of working things out it would be to put both those infidelities in the past and leave it there. You can't progress by bringing up the same issues that occurred way back when.He used what you did to justify him cheating on you. Please believe he has cheated on you several times and this girl isn't the 1st nor the last. Here you are feeling guilty over the 'kiss' and he's not take accountability for what he's done to cause strain in the marriage. He's very manipulative and unless he wants to change he will continue cheating, texting other women, & sending inappropriate pics. He'll continue doing it because you allow him to. Demand your respect and let his @ss go. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2014
Sat, 09-06-2014 - 2:03pm

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that you don't seek divorce....at least not yet.  However, I believe you should set some ground rules that must be strictly adhered to.  Such as:

1)  He moves out, immediately

2)  You have complete and full access to every email account, facebook, twitter, his phone bill, all credit cards, etc

3)  He comes clean.  You don't need - or even want - to know all the details, but no more crap like 'we just messed around a few years ago.'  You need to know who, when, where.  Further, he contacts these women - with you on the phone - and tells them that there will be no more contact.

4)  He demonstrates - through actions, not words - that he is fully invested in the marriage and is willing to do whatever is necessary to heal and save the marriage.  This could mean individual counseling, support groups, marriage counseling with you, or something else.

If he refuses to do any of these, you file for divorce.  

The ball is in his court.  It is not up to you.  You are not responsible for him or his actions.

No matter what, take care of yourself!  Do your best to get plent of sleep.  Work out.  Eat well.  Seek counseling for yourself.  Enlist the support of close friends / family members.  Lastly, YOU are not at fault!!  Don't waste one second beating yourself up.  

Best of luck to you!  Be strong!