I took a HUGE STEP today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
I took a HUGE STEP today
11
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 4:52pm

I called and made an appointment with my lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I go this Thursday at 10am. I don't even know what came over me. Something did I was sitting at my desk and I just thought "screw this crap" he called yesterday and asked to sit down and talk and wants to work out a schedule to see the kids, he said he would call back last night. He never called back. Maybe that was the final straw for me, but anyway I got up the gumption to say "enough of his sh*t"

She put some fears had about custody/guardianship to rest and told me that even if he decided he wanted joint custody would any judge give it to him because its what he has now decided.

I'm not even as sad as I thought I would be. I'm sad for my kids and I'm sad for my stepkids but thats about it.

He's gonna get hit with divorce, resumtion of his trial and possibe loss of his drivers license all in one week LOL.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:52am

Once again, thanks Val.

You asked what he is on trial for- He is on trial for voyeurism. It was scheduled for two days in November, and apparently some new evidence has been brought forward and it was held over until February 5/09. I am taking both articles that were printed about this to my lawyer this morning. As of today he is one c/support payment away from loosing his drivers license.

He dosent' have the ability to co-parent, and I'm not being ignorant about that, he truly dosen't.

I'm sad about having to file, but I also know its what I need to do in order to move on emotionally and otherwise.

Our written agreement that states have custody wont be changed that will remain the same. I am asking for frequent but short supervised visits as I see fit. I dont' want a schedule, he couldn't stick to the one we had last hear for the kids.

My little guy had a rought night last night he got up three times and came into my room and would say "mommy are you still here" He must have been dreaming, breaks my heart when they are afraid I am going to leave them like their dad did.

You know I can go out for a few hours and my kids cry, they dont cry when they are dropped off by their dad and dont' know when they will see him next. Thats very sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 8:43am

Excellent that you're going to take everything with you to your appointment. Documentation is a powerful tool. Regarding his visitation with the kids, I think if I were in your position I wouldn't hesitate to ask for anything you might want. What he's on trial for, his drinking, and his history of not coming through for the kids... let's just say none of those things would get him any votes for "father of the year". I think the facts would speak for themselves regarding which one of you is a responsible parent, and which one is NOT.

Where you said you are feeling "content"... I think that's MAJOR. It's hard for me to put into words, and I know that what I experienced may not be what you are experiencing, but I can't help but think that it's at least pretty similar in a lot of ways. Since I was going through my H's affair and our separation in 2006, and I'm now in a position where I'm looking back on it, I can see that we go through a LOT in a relatively short amount of time. Some HUGE revolutionary changes happened inside me in about a year's time. It's like I can look back on it now and see different "stages" I went through, and see when different things changed within me.

The first couple of months I was terrified of the unknown, and of being on my own. But then I realized I was DOING IT. I started to see how much I had ALREADY been "on my own" even when I'd been WITH him, and that the transition to being totally on my own wasn't as difficult as I'd thought it might be. Then as I was living on my own, I started to see that I might not only be "OK"... that myself and my daughter might actually end up having a BETTER life without him than we would have had WITH him. As I was able to make decisions and take actions without H being a "factor" in them- where I didn't have to take him into consideration or "accommodate" HIM- I found that positive changes were happening in my life much more quickly than ever before.

In just a couple of months of having the power and control to make decisions without him IN THE WAY (LOL!), I was seeing results pretty quickly. If I made a decision regarding our daughter, I didn't have him OPPOSING me, or didn't have to take the time to "run it by him". When it came to the house, or what was happening in it and when, I no longer had to deal with him complaining if daughter or I wanted to have friends over, if I was trying to help daughter with homework we didn't have to compete with him blaring some cheesy horror movie on the TV at the same time, I could cook meals that daughter and I liked better that he didn't care for, could put the furniture and my belongings wherever I wanted, etc, no more having dinner delayed because someone decided to take apart dirty snowmobile parts on the kitchen table right when I was trying to prepare it... you get the point! :)

And having the power and control over where I spent my time and the money I DID have... WOW. BIG changes. No more time wasted tolerating and enduring the "monsters-in-law" or the friends that I considered to be HUSBAND'S friends. In that year that his affair and our separation happened, the profits from my small business DOUBLED even though I was going through hell emotionally. Money-wise things were a little tough as I was building the business up and adjusting to not having his income in the household (other than the support he was paying), but I found that my daughter and I really didn't have to give up much of anything, and our standard of living really didn't change. And I know why. For one, I didn't have to lay my work aside to accommodate HIM anymore, and I didn't have him interrupting me anymore (either to "pay attention" to him, or to deal with HIS stuff FOR him). And I realized that he may have brought more income into the household in the past, but he also brought more EXPENSES. I started to see that when *I* could choose where the money would go, even if I had less of it, my daughter and I were benefiting MORE in a lot of ways.

It didn't take too long (just a couple of months), for me to start looking at it that my H had been a NEGATIVE force in our lives in a lot of ways, and that he had been bringing me DOWN, or holding me BACK in recent times (even for some time PRIOR to his affair). I'd been carrying him. And when I didn't have to do that anymore, all of that time and energy was available that was now being channeled into things for me and my daughter.

And as I was doing POSITIVE things that would improve our lives, H was doing more destructive things than ever before. He just about flushed his life down the toilet. And my interactions with him in that time... he wasn't bringing anything good into our lives, that's for sure. He was only bringing me headaches and heartache, and stress having to deal with his "shenanigans". All my daughter was getting was disappointment.

And at some point I'd finally had ENOUGH. And I ACCEPTED that he was not going to clean up his act, that he was the only one that could make that happen, and I was tired of dealing with it, tired of him bringing me down, and I was DONE. That's when things shifted and changed from me having to MAKE myself cut him out of my life and move on without him because I knew that's what was "good for me", to where I just plain actually WANTED him out of my life. I still had times where I was sad, and it was "hard" to think of him with someone else- there was still some grieving that I was doing- but the turning point had come where I was truly moving on, accepting, and letting go. And it was starting to get easier. I was starting to see that he wasn't such a LOSS. The man that he was NOW, in that time, was NO LOSS. And my focus almost became like I was "purging" him from my life, and the doors were opening up wide for me to be able to create a new life for myself. The kind of life that *I* wanted to have. I came to a point where I didn't want ANY PART of THAT kind of life anymore (and that didn't change even when we did eventually reconcile- still didn't want that, and still don't, and I won't tolerate that).

So while the details might be different, I can't help but think that maybe your journey has been similar to what I experienced, on the overall "big" things. I'm not sure if you realize it, but you've come a LONG way. And where you said you're feeling "content" and you can't really explain it... I think I know EXACTLY what you mean. Because I've felt it myself. And if it's what I THINK it is... I'm going to tell you, it's likely that's going to stay with you forever. I think it's the knowledge that you can be OK NO MATTER WHAT. That you can stand on your own two feet as an individual. It's like an inner peace that comes when you know that you are "always there" for YOURSELF. That you can always count on YOU. Inner confidence.

I feel like that is something that has definitely "stayed with me" ever since I went through all of this. And it's GREAT. I'm not saying that you won't ever have moments of self-doubt, or that you won't ever worry anymore or that all of the bad emotional stuff goes away, BUT, it's kind of like this sense that no matter what life throws at you, you feel way more well-equipped to deal with it than you did before. That you're going to come out alright in the end. I've found that some things are still really hard sometimes, but it's like I'm not so afraid to take that first step anymore, you know? And a lot of things that would have made me a nervous wreck in the past... they seem like small potatoes now. I think once we go through something SO hard, a lot of other things just don't seem to be quite so difficult in comparison anymore. It's like now when I'm faced with something that I know is likely to be really tough and pretty unpleasant, I sort of look at it and go, "OK, the quicker I get this going the quicker it's going to be over with. It's not going to be fun, but it'll turn out alright in the end... I'll figure it out, because I always DO". Or when I'm going through something emotionally that's really bad, it's like I can tell myself to just "hang on"... this too shall pass. It's a kind of inner peace I never had before.

Out of anything that came out of my H's affair, I think that is the thing that has changed my life in the biggest way. That is the biggest thing that changed within me. And I think that's the "thing" that gives us the "strength" to not put up with their garbage anymore, where we can "purge" that negative cr*p from our lives, which in turn makes room for the POSITIVE to come in. And when I say that I wouldn't hesitate to walk away from my H even now if things were to ever go back to anything like they were before... this is the "thing" inside me where I know I MEAN that. And my H can see that in me, and he knows it too.

<>

I think now is the time when your H is going to find out he's been assuming WAY too much, and how WRONG that is. ;) Mine used to think that way too, and that's why he always took me for granted, and thought he could get away with having me "carry" him (even no matter what he DID to me). Well, once I hit the point where I didn't WANT anything more to do with that and was completely fed up and sick of it, my H got hit with "Think again buddy!" We both realized in that time that I had "always been there for him" in the past only because I had CHOSEN to be. First *I* realized that I didn't HAVE to be there for him (and it was actually pretty unfair for that to be "expected" of me when he was with another woman for cripe's sake!)... and then once I started to say "NO- I won't be", and it was backed up by my actions of cutting him out of my life... that's when it finally hit him too. That there wasn't some REQUIREMENT for me to "be there for him". That I didn't HAVE to be, and because I didn't WANT to be there anymore, I wasn't going to be there.

Somewhere in there, at first I started thinking that he was HER problem now...and not too long after that it shifted a little bit to where I would then think "He's his OWN problem now". And that was another big step in there, where things drastically changed and that change has come along with us even now. Both he and I are better off now that we realize he is his own problem now. That he is responsible for himself, and for the course of his own life, whether we are apart or even together. That he is not "my job".

Anyway DM, I see good things ahead for you. I think if you purge him out of your life now as much as is humanly possible, he won't be dragging you down or holding you back anymore. And now that you've had enough and are fed up with it all, I think you are going to find it "easier" to cut those remaining ties to where the only interaction you have will be as co-parents to the children. I know you've been taking some steps towards doing that, but I have a feeling you are going to now notice a difference in it. Where things will FEEL more truly centered around the children when you speak to him, and there will be less emotional interaction between you and him, and what he does will have less effect on YOU. I think you're going to be moving into the phase where you're really "meaning" it. I think now when he tries to come running to or whining to you, or looking for your help, you're going to be like, "The H*LL with that! Do it yourself". Or, "Here's a quarter- call someone who CARES". I know I didn't (usually!) come right out and say something like that to my H, but I would be THINKING it, and what I WOULD say would be something like, "That's your responsibility, not mine". Or, "I guess you'll have to figure out what to do about that". And that is DAM* LIBERATING! :)

While proceeding towards divorce involves some difficult things to deal with, I also have the feeling that you are going to feel a lot more equipped to handle it. That inner peace and confidence will bring you through it. And just another "hunch", but I think you're going to see your self-esteem start to recover from the hit it has taken, and you will begin to KNOW deep within you, with more resolve than ever before, that this has not been about YOU. That it's been about HIS issues all along. Where it's like you don't just know it logically... you know it in your GUT, where there's no doubt about it.

So while you're going to face some tough things, I also think you are going to really come into your own along the way. I think once you can really get away from him and the negative force that he's been, you are going to be truly free, and it's going to clear the path for you. The path to much bigger and better things.

Best of luck with the appointment. Here's to the first step in clearing the obstacles out of your way! :)

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 7:44pm

I like that! "I'm not mad, I'm just done."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 6:10pm

'I'm not mad, I'm just done'".

Thats exactly how I feel. I have to force the anger, and there is no point in doing that. He always says "I know no matter what you will always be there for me" that in his world means "when I need something you will be good enough" well not anymore, now I do need something and thats to be free. As long as we are "married" I feel like I owe him something, always need to return his calls, always need to be accessible etc. I am no longer the one who fits that role. His choice of words over the holidays to me were "my affairs are none of her business" I laughed at that one.

One thing I am curious to know is when we did mediation, our agreement the kids were in kindergarten and Happy Wanderer worked nights. So the agreement read that he was to have them on Mondays from 11:30-5 (his day off at the time) and Wed and Thurs from 11:30-2pm (when he had to go to work) and all other times were as mutually agreed to. This was to be revised by him and I come September 2008 to accomadate the kids being in school fulltime. Well here we are now January 09 and after many requests from me he still has not sat down to discuss a visitation arrangement. So does this mean that when I go tomorrow I can ask for "frequent but short visits" (or something to that nature) as I see fit as I am the sole custodial parent? (this is what his X wife had put in theirs).

The schedule we had above when they were in kindergarten he couldn't keep that. I can't tell you how many times he bailed, and he agreed to no overnights, and can't have them anyway because of the hours he works. Sometimes he works till midnight or later on a Friday. My lawyer said because he didn't ask for this upfront its very unlikely a judge will just say this is how it has to be unless its proven that I have drastically changed their circumstances, which I haven't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 2:41pm
Your post reminded me of a Dr. Phil show.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 2:30pm

Thanks Val.

I always look forward to your responses. Oddly enough I am doing this one week prior to the one year anniversary of d-day. (Jan 21/08).

I am taking EVERYTHING with me all my documentation, email from his brother about the safety of my kids being around his parents, the article from the trial. I'm hoping that I can get supvervised visitation and a travel restriction on him.

I feel content, I can't explain it, but I have my kids, a job, health and a roof over our heads, and right now I have no desire to be in a relationship, I just want to focus on the kids. I don't feel lost or worthless anymore without a man in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 12:26pm

Hi DM-

I think what came over you was you just hit your point where you've had ENOUGH, and where you've decided that YOU are done. As hard as it is, I also think when a BS hits their point of "enough", that's also often a turning point for the BS. Where things truly start to move forward and improve. Because the control over the course of your own life is more firmly in your own hands now.

I understand that you feel sad for your kids, but I think if you try to look at the big picture and the "long run"... I think there's a good chance that your children may have a better life this way than they would have had if they lived under the same roof with their father (given his issues, especially with alcohol). I'm sure you know that it can have a profound negative impact on children if they grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent. So I would encourage you to look at it this way... you may be SAVING your children from a lot more heartache in the long run. I think it's very likely that they will grow up to be healthier and happier with less of his negative influence in their lives... where the majority of their lives will be filled with your POSITIVE influence.

Best of luck with your appointment with the attorney. While it may be difficult in one way to take that big step, I have a feeling you may come out of that office with even more fears laid to rest, and feeling more confident and at peace than you have been in a while.

((HUGS)) DM

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 9:37pm

there is no doubt that you have done EVERYTHNG, i mean EVERYTHING you possibly could to redirect this run away train.

i am sorry for your pain, but after reading so many of your posts i am quite sure you will end up the winner. this journey has shown you what is important -and what is important is YOU. by taking care of you the end result will be a healthier, happier, more content, mother. your children will grow watching YOU, MOM being there for them for EVERYTHING. your h, well he look back when he is in his twilight years and realize that what he gave away when he left was the greatest treasure any man could ask for A GREAT WIFE, LOVING MOTHER, AND BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2008
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 8:30pm

Hi, loved the Canadian flag, from one Canuck to another, hang in there, divorce is actually an ok state, so congratulations on the first day of the rest of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 6:35pm
We never argued infront of the kids while we were married. (we didn't argue much to begin with). Whenver I speak to him I don it on my cell phone either at my office or away from the children.

Pages