I totally lost it today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
I totally lost it today...
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 6:26pm
And I'm still shaking and trying to decide if I'm going to go to a hotel for the night or not.
It started out with our 17 year old daughter wanting to know if she could stay out until 11 tonight. Her curfew is usually 11, but her boyfriend is picking her up from school, they are going to have dinner, hang out, and he's bringing her home. H said since her boyfriend is picking her up from school she should come home earlier. When I asked why, he said because otherwise they will have more time together. I asked why this is a problem, and it boils down to he is concerned they will have more opportunity to have sex. I told him she will/does have other opportunities and will do what she wants no matter what.....she is 17.
I also pointed out that doesn't mean she should be sexually active, but we need to be realistic....she may already be active for all we know.
I also pointed out that he was in a sexual relationship when he was 17, which really made him mad.
Ever since our D has started dating, this has been a big deal with him. I told him considering the way he is about sex, it surprises me he stresses about it so. ....he watches porn, had an affair, wants sex almost every other day. I know it is his kid, but I think he is sticking his head in the sand in a way.
Anyway, the whole thing just blew up...when I try to talk to him about stuff, he just clams up and says he knows where it is going and is not going to do it.....
My problem is.....he takes everything I say the wrong way.....like it's a personal hit on him. I asked him what his curfew was when he was 17, and he takes that as being argumentative....when I really just wanted to know.
I told him the bottom line is that he hasn't changed since our rebuilding efforts (1 year)...he still doesn't talk to me, and his first response to everything I say is that I am being negative against him.....and I am sick of it. I can never get anywhere with him.
I got so frustrated I was screaming...packed a bag and threw it into the car....told him I would be gone for a couple of days. The only thing that is holding me back is the kids....now I think I might stay, but will move downstairs.
Then I get upset and tell him I should have never got married or had kids......because EVERYTHING is a problem it seems.....and I can do nothing right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:04pm

Hey Mom

Tough situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:07pm


I know that feeling of shaking, unsure what to do, having lost it, knowing that my DH who I trusted is not someone who can treat me the way I deserve. I'm so sorry you feel like this!

The worst for me is in knowing that my feelings really do not matter to my DH. He seems to believe I exist to punish him. Yet he was the one who betrayed me, lied to me, continues to live in secrecy, blames me, and just basically doesn't get it.

Recreating Myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 2:29pm
We went to counseling in the beginning, right after I discovered the affair, and we decided to try and rebuild.
You are right on target with the communication....we have terrible problems communicating. I feel as though H does not talk to me, and he thinks when I try to discuss things I am being combative.
I think since we can't seem to talk without arguing most of the time, I am going to approach this last blowout by writing a letter to him.....this way I can actually tell him everything without being interrupted or getting into an argument.
H cannot talk to D in an adult way concerning sex....he has lost a lot of credibility with her because of his affair, and because she caught him watching porn once.
According to our D, she is not sexually active, but as you know, they don't always tell you the truth, especially when it comes to those type of personal matters.
I did not leave the house, mainly because I knew it would greatly upset our 14 year old D. I have been sleeping downstairs, however.
And I have a feeling that H is going to think this whole blowout was about our D.....when in actuality that's not what it was about....for me, it was pretty much about our communication problems.....and my frustration.
An example of our communication issues: D told me that at one point her and H talked about abortion. H told her that he did not believe in it, and if an unplanned pregnancy ever happened with either of the girls, one option would be for them to have the baby and H and I would raise it.
This was NEVER discussed with me. I told H, that I don't know if I would want to raise another child, as I pretty much raised our two on my own with H only giving monetary support (H never changed diapers, fed, gave baths, took to Dr appts, cared for when sick, took to school....you get the picture), and I can guarantee that is how it would be with a grandchild.....I would be doing all of the upbringing.
It would be nice if he would discuss things like that with me before making a decision on such matters....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:19pm
I think most all of us on this board have or have had problems communicating with our spouse. I would like to recommend a book that our MC used with us. It is New Rules of Marriage by Terence Real. We now own a copy. When we start to have trouble communicating, we look back to the Feedback Wheel in the book and other techniques we learned. It really helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:40pm
How long did you go to counseling and how long ago
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 2:12am

Hi Mom

You sound much better than your earlier post.