I want to fix this

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011
I want to fix this
Sun, 08-28-2011 - 12:23am

My husband and I have had many relationship challenges over the years.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 8:02pm

Before I answer I want to say my heart goes out to you. And I know you will not like this answer because if you did you would not have posted on this thread BUT....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 3:53am
This statement that he can have sex without meaning is a red herring and a distraction from the main issue. It's true that many men don't get nearly as emotionally involved during sex as women do. But that's nothing new and nothing unusual. Don't get stuck on that statement. What he's really doing is trying to minimise your fears about his infidelity. He's trying to convince you that allowing him to have sex with other people is OK because the sex is a "meaningless" act.

Sex addiction? I've never believed in it myself. A man's sex drive is a powerful thing. Perhaps THE most powerful motivation in a human being. I don't believe that you can be "addicted" to something that is a basic instinct. And so many people are claiming to be addicted nowadays. It's rubbish. It's politically correct garbage in overdrive and something that makes the therapists that claim is exists a lot of money. A woman can say her husband is addicted so that she feels what he does can be labelled, treated and that there is no blame or fault on her behalf. A man finds that claiming to be a sex addict absolves him of responsibility or blame for his behaviour and actions (it's a disease, after-all) and engenders pity rather than fury and disgust from his wife and family.

His friend of 10 years ago: He's openly admitted that the intention to cheat was there. Where do you go with that? It's all well and nice that he's admitting all this and is being very open. Obviously he feels that being open about it will lead to you excusing his behaviour. He's hoping, expecting, you'll decide that it's OK for him to attempt to cheat with other women as long as he is open about it when caught in the act.

The only difference between him and someone-one else's cheating husband is that you caught him and he's prepared to talk about it now. Most husbands clam up and make excuses and try to avoid talking about it.

You might have serious anxieties and are in therapy for this, but I'm surprised that the therapist hasn't just told you that you don't have anything wrong with you. Anyone would be a nervous insecure wreck trying to cope with a guy that openly admits to wanting to cheat on you despite already having a liberal and varied sex life with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 4:41pm

Years back when I co-hosted on one of this channel's boards, a regular poster e-mailed me privately about the feelings she now had for the man in her female/female/male regular threesome - her husband was NOT aware she was falling for the other guy, even though they did have an open marriage and both "took it outside".


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 11:20pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 1:31am

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 8:21am

How do you fix this? I'm really not sure. First, I'm a man, not

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 12:49pm
Yes, but just because a married man is attracted to his hot secretary or neighbor doesn't mean he has to pursue her. Depends on how much he loves and respects his wife (and which head he's thinking with) lol