I'm back :( 2nd affair, and Im PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
I'm back :( 2nd affair, and Im PG
6
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 2:25pm
OMG, I cant believe this happened again! Short history -I found out my DH had an affair while we were engaged - he was sorry, we went for counseling, got married,things were great but have continued counseling. FAST FORWARD
Well, today I am 9 months PREG and just found out that my DH had an affair last month with a girl he met in a bar while he was at a course for work. The kicker - he got her PREG - she just had an abortion last week. It was a one night stand. I have been to see a lawyer to get information, we have done a lot of talking, a lot of crying (more him then me)-- he says he has never been more sorry in his life... he basically feels like he has hit rock bottom, he knows that what he has done is the worst thing in the world. He can hardly look at me without crying. He stayed at his buddies the first few nights - but has come back to the house - b/c he wants to work on us. He cant stop crying and feels like he has betrayed not only me but our unborn son. He doesnt want to be a weekend dad, and keeps saying he has learned the hardest lesson.
I am so confused, I think you can probably get through one affair, but two?? I am trying to think with my head and not my heart. My heart loves this man more then anything, but my head says that two times is a huge problem. I know that he is sorry more then anything in the world. I mean here we are about to have a family and he just went through an abortion and is on the verge of loosing his wife and baby. Can we get through this.. or am I being stupid... HELP
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Registered: 08-01-2008
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 3:08pm

I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this now, when you should be focused on the birth your son.

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 3:28pm
I am so sorry. That is a very difficult situation to be in. I would be interested to know what your therapist says. I am sorry that there was an abortion. i am sorry that this is not only happening to you but while you are pregnant. You do have to look at the possibility that it could happen again. That would be my concern. When you love someone you sometimes are blinded of their weakness that causes such behavior. I am almost divorced and my stbx has been with the OW for a long time now. I sometimes wonder if he had not been caught would we possibly still be together or would his affairs have caught up with him at another time. You both may very well be able to put your best foot forward everyday and be happy and faithful and good parents. That is a possibility. people say the way you react to something makes it a problem or not. (I hate those different sayings) i forgave my husband but he discarded me for the OW. He never wanted to really look at his behavior. He ran from that responsibility. i think it was easy for him with someone patting his back telling him he was doing the right thing. He had an accomplice in his misbehavior/betrayal to me and our family.
I say i would have wanted another chance but he would have had to go to therapy and i would have made a decision depending on the outcome of therapy. You guys both went to therapy and he still did that. Did the therapist ever address a certain problem with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 3:52pm
Thanks for your response.. I am sorry that any of us have to deal with us.. my situation is less then ideal... just like everyone's.
Our counselor believed that my DH had tunnel vision, he was always able to separate me from what he was doing. When he met the OW I never came into the picture, most men who are committed are able to separate temptation with actions. My DH was able to seperate his actions from me.
The counsellor after meeting with us this past weekend, thinks there is a possibility of a sex addiction - and wants to explore that avenue.
My DH is very very remorseful, he has accepted full responsibility for everything, he told me everything, (the abortion was very hard for him to tell me) - b/c I now that it was a very difficult thing to go through with me being 9 months pregnant. ( I am thankful that she didnt want the baby).
He has promised me the moon and stars, says he will do whatever to get "help" and ensure this never happens again. He keeps saying that he is so mad at himself for doing this to me again. He is saying all the right things which makes my decision even more complicated. I obviously want our family, we tried for 6 months to get PG, this was our dream. He keeps telling me how amazing I am at being so strong, and that he wants to be an amazing husband and father... I just dont know.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 5:30pm

Are you sure this affair first took place

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 6:18pm
I think that its good the therapist will explore sex addiction. I always wanted to have information on sex addiction sent to my stbx. I wanted to do it anonymously since he would not be receptive to my concern. My stbx went to therapy only 1 day. The therapist said "that's red flag"in response to a question stbx answered. He would never go back.
Your husband does sound remorseful.
I also think my stbx thought he had failed me. maybe he thought it was better to move on. I think that was rather convenient to say at one point. Because if he loved me , why would he want to continue to fail me. Continue to betray me and do hurtful things after he had left me.
He was hurting his whole family. I think he felt his children would never look up to him again either.
Why I guess it was all about him! rather selfish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 8:09am
Your H certainly has some issues to work on and needs to see a good therapist, in my opinion.