I'm just lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
I'm just lost.
20
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 4:41pm

My husband had an affair with someone who I thought was my best friend. It's a very long story, and I'll tell it if it helps anyone give me advice.. but basically, I'm just lost. I found out about the affair on May 24th last year, it started on March 31st of that year... I decided to stay and try to work it out because I felt like I would only hurt worse if I left him. I didn't tell many people about it... I didn't want them to hate him or judge me for staying. Things were really hard at first, but then towards the end of July last year I felt like we were doing really good... and that maybe we could be better than ever. But in February of this year... everything started hitting me all over again and I'm just not over it. I haven't forgiven him yet because I don't want to forgive him until it feels right and until I can actually move past this. I feel like I'm reliving the moment I found out over and over again. I'm remembering that a year ago, almost to the date, they had sex for the first time. In my bed. In my house. I'm still so hurt and so angry and so torn about everything. I don't know if I can go through this every year. I lost my best friend. Not her, she was someone I considered a close friend but clearly she was not. I'm talking about my husband. He was my best friend and I feel like I lost him. There are days where I'm okay and we can laugh and it's like old times. But there are other days when I feel like I don't even know him. One of the hardest parts is that I feel like I don't even know myself. He asked me "What are things that you do that make you happy? What makes you feel happy?" and I couldn't think of a single thing. I'm trying to go to the gym and work out as much as possible because (a) I gained a little weight and stopped working out after I found out about the affair and (b) I keep thinking if I can just focus on myself and getting healthy and fit I will feel better. I try not to drink alcohol because I never know if it's going to cause me to start speaking about how I actually feel. I can't really talk to anyone (I feel like I can't talk to my husband because it's also talking about him) and I can't talk to most of my friends or family because they either don't know the situation or I can't trust them to keep my secrets). I don't want to become an empty shell. I miss the girl (woman) I used to be. I feel really alone and I just can't get motivated to do anything really. I don't clean as regularly as I used to, and I used to enjoy it. I don't do my hair or makeup as often (makeup was a huge hobby of mine, I loved free-lancing as a makeup artist and creating new looks for myself) .. I don't know if this will help me or if I need help.. I don't know what I need to do, I just am trying to make myself TRY and move on. I figured this might be a good place to start.

Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 7:12pm

Welcome, you are in the right place (and on the right board).  I will let others more qualified to reply, but wanted to welcome you to iVillage.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 11:12pm

You know how we sometimes try to convince someone to seek counseling?  Well, how can we convince YOU?  Because you're a walking advertisement for it.  You say you have few to talk to, I get that - I'm VERY private about my DH's past behavior, only a couple of people know other than therapists, and I need to keep it that way.  And that's okay, whatever you need to do to help yourself is okay.  But your DH, your friend, your house, your bed - it's no wonder you can't get anywhere with all that bumping around in your head and heart.  The affair shouldn't have happened, period, but that they were so callous as to use your own BED?  Talk about selfish and cold, yikes.  Many of us relate to your comment how you miss the person you used to be, been there, this just messes with your head so much.  Just do not beat up on yourself if you are unable to forgive - this is still a pretty fresh issue for you, you're  basically still bleeding.  All those little things you said you once enjoyed doing but don't now - that's universal.  DO focus on just you and do go see a counselor - they've heard it all and will likely have plenty of feedback for you to help you start this crappy journey so many of us are familiar with.  Don't wait, it's time. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 11:26pm

You know what you're doing?  You're having a "pity party".......and you're enjoying wallowing in your misery.  He had a two month affair over a year ago, and you have to do one of two things.  You have to stop the pity party, and file for divorce, OR you have to forgive him.  You can't talk to him, because it's talking about him?  Well, that's exactly why you need to talk to him, to find out WHY it happened, and where his mind was at the time.  You can't fix your marriage if you just hide the problem under a blanket of secrecy.  Don't say you can't forgive him.......you are still married to him, so for all intents and purposes, he has been forgiven......it has nothing to do with "forgiveness".......it has to do with letting it go......and moving on with your life.  If you want to stay in this marriage, then you have to TALK to him......and if you can't do it on your own, then get a marriage counselor and do it there. What you're doing is punishing him by being in a miserable mood.  You don't want to become an empty shell?  You ARE an empty shell.  You've let yourself go, you stopped going to the gym, you're isolating yourself from your family and friends, AND from your husband.  He's trying......he wants to know what would make you happy, and you don't have an answer?  Of course you do, but it's easier to say nothing and punish him more.  I'm not defending him or his behavior, but you have to either FIX your marriage which means fix yourself, or you need to end the marriage.  TALK TO HIM! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 10:38am

When you are saying that you don't have interest in the things that you used to do and you can't think of anything that will make you happy, that is a sign of depression.  You should really go to a counselor.  I think that's a lot better than talking to your friends who of course will judge your DH, which really doesn't help if you want to stay with him.  I don't understand your statement that you don't want to forgive him until it feels right.  If you want to stay together, you have to start with forgiving him--not to say that you will ever think what he did was right or that you won't remember it, but forgiving him frees you up.  He did something terrible to you and if you don't want to forgive him, then you might as well separate.  It's a conscious decision not to dwell on the past.  I also think that if you never talked about what led him to cheat on you, that it will be hard to move forward because you will be wondering if he will do it again.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 5:06pm

You really got the full shaft....betrayed by your H and your friend in your own bed. I can imagine that it could be hard to move on from that.

You didn't say anything about seeing a therapist, if you haven't done that then I think that is the place to start. You need someone that you can talk to without the worries you mentioned, of somebody spilling your secrets and hating your H. Besides being a safe person to talk to, a therapist can help guide you into letting go and moving on. Once you are starting to heal then you should add couples counseling with your H. You didn't say if your H made clear why he cheated or if you trust him now but clearly there are issues that you and he are not resolving without help.

Your loss of energy and interest in life, feeling empty---those are classic symptoms of depression. A therapist could confirm that. You may benefit from medication, or maybe you can overcome the depression through therapy alone but a professional should help you figure that out. Meanwhile you're right to try to exercise as it will make you feel better, at least temporarily.

If you don't own your home, could you move? Being able to get rid of the reminders of the home could help. If moving is not an option, then what about redecorating the bedroom? A new bed, different wall color, new furniture if you can afford it---something to make the room look and feel different. It might help to to get an emotional fresh start in that room.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 1:51pm

Myradorn, thank you for what you said. I keep contemplating therapy but haven't had the guts to go yet. I'm honestly afraid of what they'll tell me. I appreciate the advice, and thank you for not condemning me for not forgiving yet. It's not that easy for me, and I want nothing more than to forgive him and move on, I just get so upset about it. I feel like if I forgive him and then have days where I'm still upset or where I'm suspicious of his behavior than I'll wonder if I have really forgiven him. I feel like when you forgive someone, you drop it, you let it go... Maybe therapy could help me move past it and forgive him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 1:58pm

Fissatore, I get that sometimes brutal honesty or being blunt helps people--but you are full on attacking me. I'm not punishing him and I do talk to him, but I can't talk to only him. He is trying to help, and since I still have been depressed I came here searching for answers and for guidance from other women who have been through similar situations. Part of the reason why I don't talk to him that much about it is because I do not want to punish him. And when I talk to him about it, I see him beating himself up and feeling bad and while some might say he totally deserves to feel that way, I don't like to cause him pain or see him in pain. I came here for help, not because I'm having a "pity party". You don't know me personally, you don't know the whole story, and you don't know the million other things that go on in my life or have been going on. The past year has been the WORST of my life. The affair, a car accident, being sexually assaulted, losing loved ones... I've been through more than you can imagine and the fact that I am still standing shocks me. I'm stronger than you know, and I'm desperately trying to move forward in my life and it hurts to come here for help and be treated badly. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 2:04pm

Musiclover12, I do want to forgive him and move on. Separating or divorcing -just thinking about that breaks my heart. We have talked about what led to the affair. And about the affair... I really see a change in him but at the same time whenever I'm making the bed or sitting on our couch and it comes to mind what happened, I feel it all over again. I want to move. He wants to stay in that house but I keep telling him that I can't live forever in a place where I am constantly reminded of everything that happened. But I feel like that might be asking too much. Thank you for the advice, I really am trying to take everyone's advice to heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 2:18pm

Remdamma, I think part of the reason I haven't gone to counseling yet is because I worry the advice will be something I'm not prepared for and because I'm terrified of being diagnosed as depressed and prescribed something. I guess putting it off really isn't going to help anything though.

I would love to move. We're renting at the moment. Thank god. The owners are friends of ours that moved out of state, they gave us the option to buy it (mortgage, not rent to own) or rent it first for 1-2 years, then decide. He still wants to buy it and I keep trying to get him to understand that I cannot live and start a family in that house. I cannot permanently live there. I feel like I'm asking too much for us to move or to get new furniture. They had sex in my bed and on my couch, I don't get good sleep. I have to take melatonin most nights or work out until I am so physically exhausted that I just can't stay awake. 

Thank you for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 5:50pm

b&l, what advice do you think a therapist will give you that you are not prepared for?

Understand that you will be in control of therapy. The therapist is there to help you, to make suggestions, to point out ways of coping that you might not have thought of, to give you support and encouragement to move forward, to be a sounding board and safe confidant. You don't have to take medication either, it might be suggested, and you might benefit from it, but no one will force it on you.

I totally get how you want to move and you are constantly reminded of the betrayal when you're in your home. I'm surprised that your H doesn't understand that....and I'm surprised that it doesn't remind him of his betrayal of you, which should be a humiliating low point of his life if he really wants to repair the marriage. Whether it is feasable right now to move or even buy new furniture is another issue but I don't think you should feel like you are asking too much to want to get rid of the reminders.

Pages