I'm new, sadly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
I'm new, sadly
7
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 7:47pm

Well, here I am... I think my heart is torn totally out of my body... My story is... I knew my husband viewed porn all the time, I knew he had youtube friends that were young-hot woman. But then he started spending most of his time downstairs where he was supposed to be doing his hobby which is music, but the new twist is that he post all this music videos on youtube where the woman comment on them. I knew something was going on but didn't want to believe it.... Or I never thought he would do this to me. Anyway, I had to go out to help my Mother, she was in the nursing home for a short time, so I was gone for almost a month. I called home during that time and said, "Oh I wish I could come home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2011
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 3:02am

Hi Jaynie, so sorry you have joined us here. My situation is similar in that suddenly, my husband was

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 7:55am

Hi Nursejaynie,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 11:54pm
It's not love he's feeling, he wouldn't be finding it necessary to constantly belittle you if it was. What he does NOT understand is this: affairs do not last, on Dr. Phil's site he states his researchers have done their work and the statistic is LESS than 1% of affairs lead to anything that lasts, meaning virtually none works out, but they all think they'll buck those oddds, and your spouse apparently had some insanity in his head thinking he'd be one of them. If it hasn't already, pretty soon it's going to smack him in the head that she's not perfect and he said all these God-awful things about you that can never be reversed. Is he thru with her? Really? You don't know for sure yet, trust us all. These things may well "end" for them with the snap of the fingers, but for you....no way. Now he's damaged the trust element of your entire relationship, and no matter how happy he is and dancing in the street, you ain't, you saw all the crap he said about you and it's stuck with super glue in your brain. Trust your own mind, if you truly believe that divorce is what's going to save you personally, then do it. But even if you don't, you still have all of this baggage now that can take so many years to work thru, if ever. Most of us here have experienced some version of what you described, finding out (often by yourself rather than them simply being honest and telling you) they had feelings for somebody else, and then they act on those feelings one way or another, and devastate US in the process. It's all his to repair, if you even want that, your job is to LET him TRY, if you even want THAT. The night I had finally had it up to here with my DH defending endlessly the OW in his second EA and blowing me off entirely, I told him I was leaving him - at the time he was sitting with a beer, strumming on his banjo; I said what I needed to say and he didn't so much as glance at me, I told him I was leaving, and he said "fine" and within a second was again strumming that blasted banjo. Little did I know he was TERRIFIED I would actually follow through, and I'll bet your idiot is, too. They don't know what they've lost until they lose it, just like the song says. Whatever you end up doing, just focus on YOU, screw him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 10:02pm

Hi hun... Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate all the support that has litteraly Flown off the wall to help me. If it weren't for my friends, in these last 2 months, I swear I would have died. My girlfriends & guyfriends have held me up from sinking in the mire. He's back, like you said... and it "seems" that he's cut all ties with her... but I don't know about his email. He seems to be remorseful, He cried today and said he wished he would die, for all the hurt he'd caused me... But this is also the man that lied to me for 2 months straight about every aspect of this relationship. I honestly feel like I am lost, unsteady, and out in an ocean of doubt. Not knowing what to do or believe. I want to believe him, but how could this have happened... to the magnitude that it happened.. When we were married for so many years. It's so unbelievable. I know lot's of other people who have this happen to them.. but, I never thought it would happen to me in this way. I knew he was down stairs all hours, closing the door, on the computer hour after hour, but this.... This is Way over - the-top.... I just can't believe it!!!! Anyway, I guess all we can do is hang in there and keep our chins up.. and try not to drowned in our own tears... Jaynie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 10:20pm

Well, it's like you say. These things can end with a snap of the finger... but not with us! That's what I do not understand.. If they were truly in mad passionate love... and he asked her to marry him... how can he call her and simply "end it with the snap of a finger". How does that work??? If I was truly in love with someone, I could not end it like that. I would be thinking constantly of how to contact this person... He "Seems" like he's ended it though. The old behavior of being on the phone all the time, and going to the store, and ducking out w/ his phone on vibrate are over.... for now... He took the sim card out of his phone and hasn't answered it for 2 weeks. about the email I haven't a clue. The counselor said, When one person ends an affair, the OW steps up the content dramatically with calls, emails etc. I know she's posting love songs on youtube to him. He seems to not be going there.... Gawd this is such a mess. I've given the attorney 2,500. and now if the divorce is off, I've lost all that $$. Oh well!!! I guess that the price the dumb A__ paid for having a affair... I would actually love to tear her hair out by the strands. I know it's his fault, but... I don't know how ppl can do this with folks they KNOW are married. I mean, what's in it for them? The OW already called him a Bad Father, Bad Son & a Idiot!!!! If I did that he'd make me miserable for a month. I find it interesting that he would let her talk to him like that and even seem to ENJOY IT??!!!! Gawd, I will never understand all this if I live to 100. and BTW he's 62!!! He's not a freak'n kid for gosh sake.... Guess there's no fool, like an old fool like the saying goes eh? :))))) Thanks for listening Ya'll.... J

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 11:04am

Hi Nurse

In my experience and I have too much now these things do NOT end with a snap of a finger

expecially if he is all smiles and play acting (the crying)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 12:46am
Jaynie, I am very very sorry for the pain and the blow you have sustained to the very core of your being. Your back injury is not the reason for your husband's unhAppiness. It sounds more like a convenient excuse he used to justify his own behavior. Per your words, your husband is taking a very blasé attitude about it all. Almost like the cat is out the bag, he is sorry and you'll get over this like you have every other transgression. He just doesn't get that this transgression has dropped you to your knees and now you are questioning everything and everyone around you, especially him, because he has become a stranger. He has to know that despite your pain, he is no longer in control or calling the shots. If he wants to stay in the marriage he has to earn his way back. And that may mean him leaving the home. Have you saw an attorney for the "what if" scenario? Do you have your own money if needed?
This is your life and your marriage. Do what you can but not at the cost ofmyour soul or your own happiness. It has been 5 months for me. It is a slow process. Sometimes too slow, others too fast. There are parts of me that died with that affair, and I am trying to rebuild myself. Trying to figure out how to teach my boys about love, respect,.commitment, trust, honor, loyalty- some of the things needed for a good relationship. I do not want them to have an affair and I don't want them to be cheated on.

Take each day as it comes. Feel what you feel, as your are on an emotional roller coaster. Drink lots of water, catch a wink when you can. Deep breathe. Think of something ounare grateful for.

Don't decide on your marriage right now if you don't want to. It's too soon, unless you know for sure in our heart it is dead. Take care of YOU. sounds like your husband forgot just what a treasure he had right under his very nose. he is a fool. Not you.