Immense toxic anger towards cheating husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2014
Immense toxic anger towards cheating husband
10
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 5:17pm

So I'm really not sure where else to turn... And thought I would post here..

i discovered my husband was cheating... A second time.. And after 27 years of marriage...

The last time (that I'm sure of) was over 15 yrs ago... We didn't have children then,  So it was esay to leave and we didn't have to communicate.. But, after a year on my own.. He wouldn't go away so I forgave him and moved back in and we resumed our life together.. A year later.. We had our son...

I was already unhappy when this latest affair was discovered... He was going out every weekend and saying he was playing poker with the boys..  A Sudden and NEW fascination... And this affair was discovered by me on Facebook of all places

IDIOT didn't even know enough to sign out of his account before our son needed to use it for a school project.. And called me into the room because this 'girl' keeps wanting to talk with dad.. Well after reading through hundreds of personal messages.. I was devastated.. Angry and just over it all!

On top of it.. He tried lying about it all until I revealed I had read his own flippin words !!!!

So this time... I Ended it... Bought my own home... Moved out and we share our son...

During this time I also lost my dearest gf of 30 years who died from cancer after a 3 year battle... I miss her desperately !!!  Been close since teenagers

All of this happened during Oct of 2013...

i thought I was fine... Over it all.. Good riddance an all that... Until I was informed that he's taking yet a NEW women .. Not the one he cheated on me with.. On a valentines week long vacation.....

All this... In a few months

REALLY???

SERIOUSLY???

i shouldn't be shocked... The last time when I moved out he slept with yet another strange girl at a party.. 6 DAYS 

YES DAYS after I was gone... It's a major kick in the gut of... You obviously meant nothing to me...

now suddently I'm CONSUMED with anger and true hatred and not sure how to get though this IN A HEALTHY WAY

I KNOW it's toxic to me.. And how stupid to let him CONTINUE TO HURT AND VICTIMIZE ME... So here I am

venting and wondering around lost in an angry haze...

I think it's just now all hitting me...her death.. His betrayal.... I didn't have time to deal with it before as I was searching for a home.. Buying it.. Remodeling etc..

Any advice from past experience would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading/listening to me rant :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

You are very welcome.  Please feel free to come here and vent, rant, rave, scream, whatever. We UNDERSTAND and are here to support you. BIG HUG!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

You are very welcome.  Please feel free to come here and vent, rant, rave, scream, whatever. We UNDERSTAND and are here to support you. BIG HUG!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 9:21pm

Dear Lum, there are various stages of grief.  Anger is one.  Know in your heart of hearts that he will never be happy.  He will always be searching...and will most probably end up alone.  You, however, have so much left to give.  When you are able, put yourself out there,  Accept offers from friends to parties, charity events, and opportunites to meet others,  Keep yourself busy.,  It will help take your mind off of his dispictable behavior,  Keep posting here when you need to vent, advice, etc.  It helped me so much.  You are NOT ALONE,.  And you are very strong.  Try to feel sorry for him.  It helps with the anger.  Love and hugs from someone who understands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 3:42am

Many of us here will understand every word you wrote.  It never ceases to amaze me just how many of us FIND OUT accidentally.  I did, too, both times my DH had his emotional affairs, which hurt in their own way.  If I knew for a fact he'd gotten physical, we'd be apart for sure, and if he hadn't done a turnaround I wouldn't be able to hang on hoping my feelings will return.  Your guy has shown you who he is - when somebody is doing that, you need to believe them.  He is not going to change - why would he?  He's doing exactly what he wants to do.  Why they choose us out of all the women in the world and then cheat blows my mind.  I understand you thinking he never really loved you, how could you think anything else?  I agree that PTSD actually plays a role for so many of us, if you read info on PTSD you will find yourself there, it's not just for our wonderful soldiers returning from battle - it's also us having a very different battle.  I can't suggest strongly enough that you see a therapist, if you already haven't.  They come up with questions that help you start to see things differently.  You've already changed your life, but letting it all go is the hard part, because it just continues to hurt even if they are no longer in the picture - they are still in your head.  BEEN THERE, still there, actually.  Stay strong, you're doing okay, but please do see a therapist if this continues to nag and you find you just are not moving on.  A therapist can help you see things differently if you're stuck.  Embarassed

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 9:14pm

Gwtw.,...

Thamk you SO much for your heartfelt words and advice...

My mind knows all this to be true... Yet my heart is so torn and aching...

so appreciate reading your experience...

so thank you ... Sincerely!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 11:47pm

Why do you care how many women he's with?  He's NOT with you, and lucky you!  You can see that it's HIS problem, not yours, and it's OTHER women he's cheating, or hurting.  It's THEIR problem, not yours.  You chose to divorce him, and good for you, but now you are a single woman, and he's a single man.......free as a bird, and about as many brains as a bird.  You are just as free of him and the grief he gave you.  Your anger isn't bothering him in the least, it's just eating at you, and why?  Your best revenge is to live a happy life.....and live it well.  He's not a happy man, and going from woman to woman proves it.  You divorced him, and what he does and who he does it to is NOT your concern. 

Your biggest concern now is your son.  Do NOT talk about his father negatively to him.  Do NOT let him see you angry about anything, because no matter what, he's still the father, and your son needs to give him respect, if not love.  Your son doesn't need to see an angry Mother, either.  The only time you should have any thought or concern about your ex and his women is that he doesn't expose your son to different women all the time. 

My ex husband was a serial cheater......all 18.5 years of our marriage.  HE had a problem.  I finally filed for divorce, and he begged me not to.  I believed that he didn't want a divorce, because in his own weird way he did care about me and our 3 boys....but too bad, I was tired of it.  When finally understood and I was going to go thru with it, he told me "in that case, I'm going to get married".  I just laughed at that!  But guess what, he DID.......two weeks after our divorce, and it hadn't even been filed yet, he went out of state and got married to his current woman.  At that point, they were both alcoholics, and ended up divorced, too.  Did I care?  NOT one bit.......all I could think was that he was HER problem now, not mine!  And that's how you have to look at it.  He is no longer your problem, you are a free woman to live your life without worrying what HE is doing.  You shouldn't care at all.  PS:  When she divorced him, he came crying to ME.....and I just told him........tough luck!  Not my problem"

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 9:20pm

 The first item is to get rid of your anger.  It will eat you up.  You will destroy yourself.  There is no value in anger.  let it go.   For many this week can be a trigger.   Learn what your triggers are if there is any.   I strongly suggest a therapist if you find that it is difficult to let go.  There are people who years after are still angry and it eats them from the inside. 

   Keeping the anger is a choice.  You can choose to let it go so it has no control over you.    One can choose.  You do have the power to reform yourself. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 9:08pm

Luminita,

  I also agree with Goddess_WhoAmI that its PTSD.  Its been 5 years since I found out about my xH's affair and 4 years since the divorce was final (it took a year for the D to be finalized because he would agree to a settlement and then reneg).  And I still have moments where it will hit me out of the blue and I want to beat him within an inch of his life. But these moments are few and far between now....I mean VERY few and far between. Usually, it only hits me if he's done or said something stupid to one of my DD's. Then UBERMAMA from Hell sets in. NOBODY messes with my kids, especially not my XH who caused them such pain by his actions. But his affair and what/who he's doing now doesn't bother me in the least. 

I took away his power to hurt me long ago.  He has no effect on me whatsoever. He recently had the audacity to call me a bad mother....he hasn't seen or wanted to see our daughters in over a year, he gladly gave away all rights to our daughters (one of whom is disabled and requires 24/7 care), caused them to have to move from the only home they'd ever known, abused one of them physically when he did have visitation during the divorce process, refuses to give them his address,  etc, etc, etc.....but he calls ME a bad mother?  He chooses not to have anything to do with them and that is fine by me! (Legally, he has no right now to see them anyway.)  I laughed at him and told him that he, of all people, calling me a bad mother meant absolutely nothing to me, had NO effect in the least. 

His insults, threats, the life he leads, who he's with...none of it means a thing to me. On the rare occasion I have any contact with him and he starts this BS, I laugh at him and refuse to play his little mind games. It drives him crazy that he has no control over anything anymore. I'm completely indifferent to him.  I won't let the opinions or life of a stranger affect me, so my stance is why on earth would I let him? I see him for what he is now and its not somebody worth my time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 7:27pm

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through and for the loss of your friend.  I know how hard it is as my xH was cheating while my Daddy and my aunt that I was very close to were both dying of cancer.  Like you, I also found out about my xH's affair through my child. That alone is enough to piss a mother off; that their idiot, cheating H had so little regard for their children and wound up exposing them to the fact of their affair.  Bless your heart, you had your plate full with so much to process in such a short time.

I applaud you for saying enough is enough and divorcing him. You deserved better than this and you knew it. I can totally relate to the toxic anger you're feeling.  Its just not fair that they get to go on with their lives, seemingly having the time of their lives while we gave so much to them and the marriage. You forgave him before when he had betrayed you and he repaid your love and forgiveness with more betrayal.  Been there, done that, too. 

 What you have to realize is that THIS is the kind of person he is. He's a man with no integrity, no morals, no empathy and just an over all rotten human being. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming that he's a POS. You can't change him or how he acts.  No one is going to be able to change him or make him be a decent person except him. Obviously, he has no intention of changing. But I guarantee you, he will reap what he has sown sooner or later. The Bible makes that very plain~you will reap what you sow.You can't treat other people like he has and get away with it. Whether you are a Christian or not(as I am),its a universal truth~you plant wheat and you'll get wheat, you plant your life with hateful, immoral acts and you will receive the same.

People are going to tell you "Don't worry about what he's doing." Its easy for others to say that when they aren't in your shoes knowing all you've done for him and then he treats you like you and your marriage mean nothing. The thing to remember is that NOTHING means anything to him~and that applies to any "relationship" he's in now. You see how fast the OW fell by the wayside with him and others will find themselves in the same situation with him.

You are correct when you say you shouldn't be surprised. He cheated on you years ago, then again and now he's moving from woman to woman. My XH did the exact same thing. Yours is still in the early stages where he's so full of himself, enjoying his newfound freedom  and how 'studly' he THINKS he is. Trust me, that is going to wane fast. The only people who will uphold him in the lifestyle he has chosen are those who have done the same thing. Misery loves company. You can't change him or make him be remorseful for the pain he's caused you and your son.

Since all this only happened a few months ago, I'd advise you to cut yourself some slack.  Its going to take time for it all to sink in. You were married to him for a long time (as I was to my xH) and takes time to get past it all. Experts, counselors and pastors all say that to move on you have to forgive the person that hurt you~make the decision to forgive them. Don't go on feeling because no one who's been hurt this badly by someone FEELS like forgiving. Just make a conscious choice to do it and move on with your life. Its easier said than done, I know!  Forgiving isn't excusing his poor behavior; btw.

Another thing that will help is not to dwell on what he's done/is doing.  Don't look for info on him on and tell anyone who says "Guess what I heard about your XH...." to stop right there.  You don't want or need to know the details of his life.  He's a serial cheater and not someone you care to associate with anymore so let people know that right away. Not only is this a 'what you dont know won't hurt you' kind of thing you don't want to waste one more minute of your life with anything involving him. Every minute that you think about anything to do with him is a minute you can't get back.  Don't waste it on a POS like him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 7:19pm

it would help to let it go to Karma 

it is PTSD  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it will hit when you lest expect

I have been affected since 06 and just recently had severe effects of PTSD